Structural Dissociation

[Lucycat]

Lucycat, I wish soooo much that I could reach out to my mom. I would love to have her wrap me in her arms...

Yep! We cannot change our parents or how they react or respond however much we would like to. I have learned over the years of therapy that my mother is what she is - I can take it or leave it. I cannot change it. So, I accept her with her faults, but on my terms. That may sound harsh, but I cannot allow her to further harm me. I love my Mum, but will not be controlled or dictated by her - and she knows that very well now. I am not sure she 'loves me' any more than a responsibility as she gave birth to me. Harsh but true. But actually it doesn't matter any more - therapy has helped me past that state.

 

[ms spock]

I am struggling with structural dissociation in a big way. I put on 23-25 kilos without really realising, until I saw a photograph of myself and got the biggest shock. I am OBESE! It still shocks me when I realise it. I was so dissociated I didn't realise what I was doing. I was so disconnected. It is REALLY embarassing!

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Reading this thread...it blows my mind. I have tried to explain to people how my mind will fight with itself over issues. It's not a conflict like do I want sausage or pepperoni on my pizza. It's about processing. So if a big issue comes up or if I get triggered, my mind will start arguing with itself. "This is ridiculous. Why are you crying?" "But it hurts!! Everything hurts!!" "Keep it together. You're at work/church/in public." "I can't keep it together. I'm in pain!! I don't want to do this!!"
While it has never seemed like other voices in my head, I have never understood why I have these conversations. I feel crazy arguing with myself. And usually it's the ANP arguing while the EP is out. It really feels so crazy.
One of my good friends has DID. I knew (and still know) that I do not have other personalities as she does. But I do feel distinctly split in two or three age groups in my head. I definitely have an inner child. But I don't know where she is inside. It's very strange feeling. Even typing this here makes me feel embarrassed and crazy. But I had to say something cuz this really blew me out of the water that it wasn't just me.

 

[katz]

Reading this thread...it blows my mind. I have tried to explain to people how my mind will fight...

Wow! When I read this, I was shocked!

That is exactly how I wrote in my journal. I have gone back and re-read some of the past entries from many years ago. That is exactly what I was doing. Talking to myself. How fascinating to realize that was what I was doing. Kind of like giving myself therapy. I had always thought that it was odd - till now. Thanks.

 

[ms spock]

I have the structural dissociation - there is a big split in me. I am finding this very difficult to be with, nevertheless manage. I can't contact myself, and I don't know how to do that (yet). I always work out a way around/through things. It is just another hard slough.

 

[ms spock]

Slowly it is improving. I am a bit less dissociated. The third time of doing the 8 week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course has really made a significant difference for me.

 

[ms spock]

How to trust myself when I am not in contact with all of myself is really a conundrum for me.

 

[BlueOrange]

How to trust myself when I am not in contact with all of myself is really a conundrum for me...

Trust doesn't have to be all or nothing. Trust what you know and understand, remain skeptical about the rest.

 

[NaeNae75]

I just came across this thread by happenstance exactly two days after my new T brought this up to me. (Sort of)

My head is spinning, but this explains so many questions about myself. The fact that this is a thing is crazy to me... I've been this way forever , it seems. Now I'm scared to death of where I go from here. I like my ANP.... not so much my EP...

I want to be able to feel normal or be normal, does that mean risking being highly functional? This is what I'm most afraid of.

 

[Lucycat]

I want to be able to feel normal or be normal

You ARE normal - at least a part of the time!

I have come to think that structural dissociation is a perfectly normal phenomena. Cllearly from the number of comments on here it is not that unusual, it is just that people mostly don't recognise or understand it.

I still hate it when my EP 'comes out to play' as It only ends in grief. But I know why it happens so no longer beat myself up. Of course others find it harder to understand as they are not living it, breathing it, feeling it.

 

[Starfire]

Thanks for this thread. My experience..everyone has own unique path & experience: my emotional parts are vital in any forward movement I've made. They cause flashbacks, panic attacks, etc. partly cuz they were ignored & pushed away. Kinda temper tantrum like! As my T has helped me work with them, I've learned what they went thru, why they act like they do..fears that use to overwhelm us are now understandable. We are learning to deal with them quickly & move on. On the downside...that means emotions can come out during my work, outside life. I'm told this happens to 'normal' people!! It also meant that, I think for the first time in our life, we had some unadulterated fun...for a very short time! We still lead a successful professional, busy life. We are the person who takes control of situations...& people look to us to do so. Integration is not something we aspire to. It seems they are cooperating more, acting out less, disrupting less, quieter, taking care of each other. Will I live long enough for this to turn into integration?!!? Doubtful. I've known others who actively worked for integration...& said they achieved it....then after a life-crisis, integration disappeared. Thanks for letting me add by experience to this thread.

 

[katz]

I have the structural dissociation - there is a big split in me. I am finding this very difficult to be with, nevertheless manage. I can't contact myself, and I don't know how to do that (yet). I always work out a way around/through things. It is just another hard slough.

I read somewhere how helpful it can be to sit and write out a conversation with yourself. Just as if you are two people talking. I tried it - a little - and found out how easily I could shift back and forth from the adult me talking to the child me inside. The adult was both listening to, as well as comforting the child. I even started crying when the "child me" heard just what she needed from the adult.

I could love her as a parent should and be there for her as a child friend. Even my handwriting changed as I became both people. (Hmmm, that sure sounds weird. Being two very different people.) But, it helped me. I have now realized how much the child needs, no, wants, from a grown-up. It is very sad that I have to be both....no child should have to go thru this alone.