Structural Dissociation?

[InsertCoinsHere]

We focus my trauma on such a small specific moment. That helps keep me from getting overwhelmed. Do you “bring in” people/positive attachment figures to help you? That tends to help me the most, lately.

Interesting maybe I’m working on too much of a generalised section and need to narrow it down into segments, that’s something I’ll discuss with my T. Yes I use the positive wise, protective and compassionate figure but not with all memories, I also use these figures before bed to help reduce night time hyper vigilance I find it helps a bit.

 

[Wendell_R]

I also use these figures before bed to help reduce night time hyper vigilance I find it helps a bit.

I use them a lot when I go to bed, and in the middle of the night when I am frightened.

need to narrow it down into segments

My therapist says that each day we work on a little thread that drops down from the present to the past. We work just on that little area. If we run into big things that are connected to that thread, we notice, but save that for another day.

 

[Skywatcher]

@InsertCoinsHere we gave also used a “flash technique.” You are in your safe place and hold a box that holds the trauma, every so often she tells you to open the lid, you look in and then you close the lid. Have you started at your absolute earliest trauma memory? We do that.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

@Wendell_R That’s very useful info thanks.

@Skywatcher Sounds like a very useful technique to gain a sense of control and desensitisation, I’ll bring it to my T. Earliest trauma memory is difficult to pinpoint but I do have an 100% explicit true memory that we work on.

I don’t know about you but I seem to struggle with denial/avoidance/dissociation of memories, I find it difficult to trust my own memory as I’m full of self doubt over my past. It’s so hard to know what is true when you have large chunks of memory unaccountable.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Re: consistency - habits, routines, rituals. If you've got anything you really *need* to stick to, consistency becomes easier. It's not impossible. It's possible even in high stress environments / situations. Just have a firm set of rules, goals, timeframe, and stick to them for that time. People are creatures of habit essentially; it's applicable for more-modes/states/persons people as well.

You said there's wildly different priorities. I'm trying to say that different priorities can be worked with, it just probably is something you're not thinking of. Basically that compromises are doable & that maybe EPs have a point about areas of life where you should loosen up, and are adamant about botching your efforts because they grok your life from an angle you're not exploring? (I hope that's better).

Would be interested in what others do or how they get around this too because my meltdowns involve feeling immobilized, powerless, and scattered in time and my adult self adds to this by thinking in patterns and creating catastrophes in my head.

But what I have so far: I e-mail my therapist or come on here. I write (I can organize myself better that way than through trying to talk to anyone). And that's the little part of me that is sort of beyond the EP or trauma-reliving self, wanting to recognize what is happening and pull myself back out. Even if I'm writing all the catastrophic thoughts, getting them out and seeing them seems to help me recognize it's coming from the panic of a trapped part of my self, and not entirely my current reality. Then it's sort of a matter of time, meeting direct needs, and resting..

Question: After you write, then go back a day or two later and reread does it look kinda familiar- but sometimes not really. I have only a vague recollection of what I write-like maybe the theme-or go... I don’t recall saying that...?

 

[shimmerz]

Yes

 

[TruthSeeker]

@shimmerz
Thank you for your response. Helpful.

This sounds so weird- and kinda creepy. I intentionally write when I’m hiding-in a dissociative state- if stressors are around, this is my most super creative writing. I look busy to others around me, I don’t think I look rude, don’t hear a thing around me, withdraw to create- they go about their business and I’m not coming unglued.. I can turn off the world in an instant and no one else enters -my access door is essentially locked until I unlock it, and I write about parts fantasy, the ideal me in a fantasy world. Makes for interesting reading but best accomplished when I’m avoiding life or drama stressors out of my control.

When I’m dealing w perceived safety issues , my writing is fearful friggin drama and the truth from my perspective. And poetry- so very different when dissociating vs fearful or stressed and not - but neither I really recall afterwards.

If you are comfortable answering, if not- it’s oksy: Is your writing like all from the same part do you think or do you find it notably different in language, style, tone when dissociating vs not dissociating? Do you experience different parts writing? If so, could you discribe?

 

[Skywatcher]

@Wilbur I write a lot. Draw too. I typically only vaguely remember and feel a sense of panic when I go back to read. Luckily, in most situations I didn’t write stuff I shouldn’t have. I refer to my writer as my “disassociation secretary” but now I’m starting to think she may actually be yet another fragment there to protect me from myself.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Wilbur I write a lot. Draw too. I typically only vaguely remember and feel a sense of panic when I go back to read. Luckily, in most situations I didn’t write stuff I shouldn’t have. I refer to my writer as my “disassociation secretary” but now I’m starting to think she may actually be yet another fragment there to protect me from myself.

@Skywatcher Thanks for responding- my 3 similar creative parts, photographer is similar as my artist self-all three photographer, writer, and artist are dissociative parts. I hadn’t thought of my creative parts in quite this way till now- as protective fragments- but that feels like an accurate description of purpose of these parts.

True story: When a hurricane was predicted to hit, there was such chaos in my head as to how to prepare- all the creative parts needed to make sure I had everything for the hurricane including party food, lights and lanterns, batteries, in case there was no electricity- so each could spend time creating. This still so ridiculous but I was pulled in many directions with the threat of a hurricane. Like little children in my head and a free for all. Thanks for sharing.

 

[TruthSeeker]

OH, BUT: The aim of therapy in the case of DID is integration, so DID is therefore also only a reflection of how far trauma has been processed.

Wouldn’t the same apply to DDNOS/DNOS since I understand treatment I’d the same?

 

[Ronin]

As to the writing, nope, not here.

In fact I know who wrote what / said what, years later (or as in, the kind of: I did not, but X person round here did, or knows who did, so refer back to them), the times we are all in the blank tend to be actions of other people / trauma / other such thing, not our own, where it is about important things. (Or basically, self control requiring things? Things that are deeply about other people / involving other people and treating them, and refering back about that?)

But that took a lot of practice. :sneaky: A lot of hurt for perceived lying, too. As in taught myself to not lose the important chunks, no matter who is up, and quickly find someone who can fill in for the lacks, or at least hide there *are* lacks in awareness. It is the areas I cannot do it that fast in that piss me off senselessly.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Yes I have become somewhat aware of dissociative attacks as you call them, I experience them upon waking from dreams and nightmares, when I wake up, I am already switched, everything is fuzzy, feels strange and I will experience pain or feel things that are not "me" so to speak, like pain, touching, etc.

When I am talking in therapy, even though I am not scared of T in my head, my body is. My T said is it like my body is still in trauma mode, physically I am very withdrawn posturely, on alert, tense ready to flee but mentally I am very connected with her, and not overwhelmed. My head and body are disconnected, even though I believe I am safe and okay, my body experience is a very different thing, I feel like I have run a marathon after each session, or like I have beaten up and physically hurt, standing after a session is painful. A lot of my abuse was very physical, so maybe that is why I have so many of the somatoform issues, but they fortunately aren't triggered as much any more, except at night.

I now am focusing more on somatic therapy, which has really helped me be more aware of physically what is happening, my body numbing has decreased, as has my reflux, and on going back issues, which I have had for years.

I now know the EP was out front in a session with an older T, when I lost my full eye sight until he was able to help me ground myself, it was really frightening when he was there and then I made him disappear, and I couldn't see, but I don't always experience it like that. Mostly my T is brings my attention to it, because she sees it, but for me it has always been there so I am not as self aware, unless it is a very painful episode. It's not always possible to distinguish real pain from the other, the only way I know it is different is that I can make it disappear

I could make pain disappear.... menstrual pain, muscular pain, a headache- but sadly- not bigger pain from a real broken bone, an ocular migraine, or infections.

I'm posting in this thread with a question instead of starting my own because I think you all might understand the nature of my question. Hope this is okay, Shimmerz...let me know if not and I'll start a new thread.

How do you know when to talk about memories that are coming out when some parts are desperate to talk, but others are freaking out and refusing? I'm feeling like I'm caught in this sort of war of attrition and so uncertain about what to do next. I shared one memory with my therapist a while back. Parts of me were glad for him to know, but I've paid the price internally ever since. A new memory blasted in last week and I've told nobody. Sometimes I go to therapy with a clear idea of what I want to say, then I never say it. Still caught in the silence. How do you decide what to talk about and have it be okay with all your parts? Thanks.

My life has always had a plan for everything. That has kept me functional in the working world.

When I first went to T, I couldn’t for the sake of me understand why T wasn’t equally prepared with a step by step plan to fix me. I’d plan everything Id want to say- those were the intellectual days-I worked hard to look intelligent but walls caved, life devestated, things fell apart, therapy planning went out the window- now I just write and send it in before I see T. Letting go of intellectualizing, controlling everything I said in therapy created internal chaos initially and still does, but I think I make more progress without prior planning. Maybe the internal insider chaos is necessary to improve communication inside as I’m becoming more aware of parts?