I grow tired of hospitalizations, I grow tired of old issues haunting me, I am disappointed in myself for not been able to overcome this pain, fear and loneliness. I desperately want to go back to normal working productive, socializing human being. I really want to fall between the cracks and not stand out anymore bc I act ‘funny” or say “funny” things. Im tired of abusing myself in umpteen ways.
My name is Angel, I am a 43 year old woman who has PTSD and by recently reading things online I see it’s the kind that my teacup flows over kind. I struggle with binge drinking, night terrors, fits of rage mostly caused by paranoid thoughts and fear (the “what ifs” wear me out inside my head), self-destructive behavior like cutting, binge eating, not going to the dr, not taking my meds. And last but not least boundary issues.
A year ago I jumped off a bridge into shallow water. I did this bc I felt my family didn’t love me nor want me alive . I did it on their street while they watched me. I looked my father in the eye stood up on the bridge and jumped. My dad died a week ago and I know that a lot of childhood crap went with him to his grave. I feel I have peace but actions and fear in the last few days are saying the opposite. I am not suicidal nor do I fell despair. I feel so much fear and I cant really say exactly what but EVERYTHING. I know it sounds so stupid. In my mind I know this fear or that fear isn’t real thinking but I still feel it and it makes me struggle bc I feel like im crazy but I know how I feel even if it doesn’t seem reasonable to others who don’t understand. Mostly bc when I say em out loud they sound like normal stress normal people have but then there are the other fears that aren’t normal.
1. Lights on all the time when I sleep.
2. Sounds from tv will trigger me to have fight or flight mode.
3. I feel as if my gut is trying to tell me something and I am not paying attention to my surroundings, I am too comfortable doom is going to happen any second, what did I forget to do to protect myself?
4. Been hypersensitive, this is one of the worse. I smell everything, I feel everything, I hear everything OR DO I? (another what if)
5. Feelings that ive been done wrong turn to rage and acts of violence bc I feel like this is the only way to protect myself and I know its wrong and stupid but when I do these things I am knee deep in the crap before I realize.
6. Feelings of worthlessness causing self-destruction. Feelings of anger for feeling this way. Disappointment in myself. Lots of shaming and blaming for been a sheeple. I expect more from myself but I am weak and allow others to hurt me. (mostly female friends bc I am too soft hearted, I try to save myself by saving others in need. )
thanks for listening, I want to get better, I am better than I was a year ago but recent changes in my life demand i do better for self preservation.
My name is Angel, I am a 43 year old woman who has PTSD and by recently reading things online I see it’s the kind that my teacup flows over kind. I struggle with binge drinking, night terrors, fits of rage mostly caused by paranoid thoughts and fear (the “what ifs” wear me out inside my head), self-destructive behavior like cutting, binge eating, not going to the dr, not taking my meds. And last but not least boundary issues.
A year ago I jumped off a bridge into shallow water. I did this bc I felt my family didn’t love me nor want me alive . I did it on their street while they watched me. I looked my father in the eye stood up on the bridge and jumped. My dad died a week ago and I know that a lot of childhood crap went with him to his grave. I feel I have peace but actions and fear in the last few days are saying the opposite. I am not suicidal nor do I fell despair. I feel so much fear and I cant really say exactly what but EVERYTHING. I know it sounds so stupid. In my mind I know this fear or that fear isn’t real thinking but I still feel it and it makes me struggle bc I feel like im crazy but I know how I feel even if it doesn’t seem reasonable to others who don’t understand. Mostly bc when I say em out loud they sound like normal stress normal people have but then there are the other fears that aren’t normal.
1. Lights on all the time when I sleep.
2. Sounds from tv will trigger me to have fight or flight mode.
3. I feel as if my gut is trying to tell me something and I am not paying attention to my surroundings, I am too comfortable doom is going to happen any second, what did I forget to do to protect myself?
4. Been hypersensitive, this is one of the worse. I smell everything, I feel everything, I hear everything OR DO I? (another what if)
5. Feelings that ive been done wrong turn to rage and acts of violence bc I feel like this is the only way to protect myself and I know its wrong and stupid but when I do these things I am knee deep in the crap before I realize.
6. Feelings of worthlessness causing self-destruction. Feelings of anger for feeling this way. Disappointment in myself. Lots of shaming and blaming for been a sheeple. I expect more from myself but I am weak and allow others to hurt me. (mostly female friends bc I am too soft hearted, I try to save myself by saving others in need. )
thanks for listening, I want to get better, I am better than I was a year ago but recent changes in my life demand i do better for self preservation.
