Struggling - Is Medication The Answer?

[ghotiff]

Its now been almost a year since I started therapy and I opened up all my issues. I hate it, and most days I wish I never started this process as I feel horrible, my life is falling apart, and I do not see any end in sight.

I have gone from a high functioning person who had issues, but with carefully avoiding triggers etc I could have an okay life (limited, but okay). Now I almost hate my life. Everything is so much harder now and I am able to cope with so much less. I hate my increased sensitivity to everything. I get overwhelmed at such small things and my stress based illnesses are really playing up. I'm also really tired all the time, even people who don't actually know me are commenting on it.

I have tried to do everything I can to cut back my life so I can cope with this new lowered level of functioning. I've cut most people out of my life (eg I've asked my friends to not contact me), I've reduced my parenting (eg more TV for the kids, and more quick and unhealthy meals), I've reduced the things that I do (eg I've cut my job back to the smallest amount of hours I can and still remain employed). I can't think of anything else that I can cut out without having huge long-term consequences.

I know that everyone is different and the time-line for everyone is unique. But....I really want to know when I can get back to at least my pre-therapy self. How long am I meant to feel like this for. I'm not even trying to get 'better' at this stage, I'm just trying to get back to functioning at the level I was pre-therapy. I know my first T was a disaster, my second T was useless and my third T has only 2 sessions with me so far....so maybe while this is almost a year for me, its only a 'month' from a healing perspective. Even then, we are not processing anything yet (going too fast was what went wrong with the first T).

I keep having fantasies where I'm force-ably removed from my life. Sometimes this is in the form of suicidal thoughts and sometimes more subtlety thinking about a major event or accident so I end up in somewhere else (eg hospital, trapped on an island) and therefore can't work or see friends or see family.

I'm wondering if medication is an option. It seems crazy to me to start therapy and end up a year later on medication (which I didn't need before starting therapy)....but maybe thats 'normal'. If I consider medication....will that make therapy take longer. My goal is to get back to my pre-therapy functioning as fast as possible. If the goal is to process my past traumas... can that be effectively done under a haze of medication. Is there medication which I could take only on the days/moments when I really want a break from my mess to function (eg work or parent). I'm new to this and I don't even know if there is medication that could help.

Has anyone been through this, and does anyone know of anything I can do. Is medication the solution. I just feel like I've spent the last year miserable and low functioning, for no purpose....and with no end in sight. Please be gentle with me.

 

[Promicarus]

I have to wonder why you started therapy in the first place. Surely there was some factor that motivated you, ie you were in crisis, or at least extremely dissatisfied. Or maybe not? Sometimes people do just embark on it out of curiosity, a self-improvement campaign, etc.
Can you recall what it was like a year ago for you, and what your motivation for seeking therapy was in the first place?

Don't mean to pry, but I was thinking that...maybe if you refreshed you memory, and recalled that it was in fact misery or at least dissatisfaction that motivated you...that you could thereby be at least a bit more content in where you are now...now "through" yet...but still making your way towards it...rather than stuck way back on the other side, still. I don't know. Just fishing for answers that might help.

I was by all accounts extremely high-functioning, before I began "confronting my issues"...and am considerably less so, at the moment, (and for the last 3 years). So I know what you mean. I'm really not one of the customary "therapy solves everything, if you just try hard and stay with it", kinds of people. I think giving that as a "blanket" answer to everyone, as advice, is very shortsighted. After all, legions are the horror stories of those who got mixed up with a predatory nincompoop as a therapist....one after another after another, in fact.

And I've had my share of those experiences. Or more than my share. So who's to assure you that you won't, as you did, be taken too far too fast by an incompetent...and left stranded in the middle...the worse for wear, but without a solution in sight, or even anyone qualified to direct you that way? Right. I've asked questions like these of therapists...quite a few...only to be met with a noncommittal, unconcerned shrug of the shoulders. As if to just say "Whoops?". Yeah, whoops. Easy to say whoops when it's someone else's life, I suppose.

I try to avoid therapy/therapist bashing rants on support sites, now, however--only out of the desire not to spoil anyone new to the idea, who might in fact benefit. But there are other means, as well. There are support groups, for example. As well as meditation, and other varieties of spiritual/inspirational transformational approaches (for lack of a better term).

But I for one am a true believer that you know more of what you need than anyone else...even though that seems to be interpreted as "becoming unmanageable" by many Ts. And If you need a break, to recouperate, then I'd be wont to let anyone tell you otherwise...even if they do so simply by asking "and why do you feel that way? How can you be sure?" over and over again. :)

Hang in there. Trying in different ways isn't the same as giving up, you know. Take care of you first. Be well

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks so much for your reply @Promicarus

I started therapy because as my kids get older and their needs change... I could see that I would not be able to manage my issues in the way that I was and still be the parent I want to be. I see how holding on to this reason could help....but its hard to hold on to this when at the moment, I'm even more restricted in what I can do with my kids, and even less the parent I want to be.

I think I was naive. I think I thought that therapy would 'help'. I did not expect a year (or more) of this. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't realise how much it would impact the entirety of my life. I think I thought that on the day of therapy I would struggle, but the other days I would be back to 'normal'. My new T told me that suicidal ideation (SI) were unfortunately to be expected during therapy work (based on my past etc). But it scares me because I was suicidal when I was young and I don't want to go back there (currently they are only fleeting thoughts and no-where near like when I was young).

I took a break between my first T and my second T as there was a couple of months waiting for the 2nd T's appointment. In that time I improved and got closer to my normal functioning (I was an absolute mess when I left my first T)....but I haven't really improved since then...and where I am now is just so hard to be.

If this new T doesn't work out, I will take a break....maybe a long never ending break...and I really appreciate your implied support with that decision should it come to that.

 

[J_trustno1]

@ghotiff : thanks for sharing this question. You've made me think a lot thoroughly about therapy now. I'll share my situation and will let you know what had happened to me.

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 16 and was given antidepressant by my GP. This medication made me work smarter and allowed me to stress free even when there was so much domestic violence going on at home, with a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse from relatives I still managed to escape all this with this medication. It was no magic pill but something that allowed me to cope really well. I achieved high in school and was scoring above 80%. Once the medication stopped I went back to average grades because of what was going on at home. However, I changed my views on things and started working on study and got back to my marks after 2 yrs of struggle without medication. I was depressed again.

Cut long story short, I had never been in therapy till year 2012, when I was suicidal and was studying post-grad. I had to see the university counselor and this was like my 4th time going on antidepressants again but seeing the counselor and antidepressants worked wonders for me. Last year I fell into bad depressive cycle because one of my abusers who forced child labor lived at our house although he came home once a month and stayed there for 2 weeks. But that was enough to start all the triggers, plus one of my supervisor resembling similar personality didn't help either, I ended up in depression and was suicidal, I wanted to kill myself everyday, walked to the bridge near university thinking of jumping off there and ending my life. Somehow, I started my antidepressants again and saw the university counselor again where I would share everything about my life with her and I let everything out about me to her and felt relieved because I could not get any empathy and sympathy from home so approached outside. It worked! Second episode of depression recurred in Sept 2013, with constant crying, anger, hate, self-disappointment and hatered, anger for all of those who all that to make me crazy like this. This was the first time seeing a T which was refereed the GP. I went to the therapy sessions and complained complained and complained about my past. It turned out that I had both major depression + Ptsd. I was doing okay in therapy while I was there talking to my T but when I got home, i was more sensitive about the issues. However, this time I refused to take medication because I wanted to feel good with it, but I also learned the causes and reasons of why I felt worthless. It was only 3 month therapy which was every fortnight. I didn't see her after Dec 18, 2013.

From Jan 2014, I was falling a victim of depression again and all the anger and everything. I joined this forum, i met a mixture of people but majority being good who helped me in many ways. I realised that letting thing out was the only way to cope. Yes, I exercise, do yoga, meditate and swim (not so often now days because it's very cold and I have been sick recently). However, I lost my sleep again in Feb and was still stubborn on not taking medication but I was losing my sleep so I had to start this again. This is my 6th time in last 10 yrs going on and off medication. Yes, I am still sensitive to thing but therapy allowed me to see what the triggers were and made me realise why i am the way I am. I still have a lot of issues to deal with but I believe you need a lot of things in order to recover. Part of the healing process involves giving you the time you need. It is exactly like trying to lose weight where you need to do mixture of workout ranging from weight training of different muscle groups, cardio, yoga and even stretches to keep away from the pain + you gotta watch your nutrition!

Training your traumatic brain works the same way. In here, you gotta put exercise to allow happy hormones (endorphins), yoga and meditation for stretching your mind and letting go of things to be you without putting any pressure of yourself, healthy meals, walks, do things you wanted to do. It will be difficult at first but you gotta push yourself because that is the only way to move ahead in life no matter what you wish to achieve. With all this added medication + therapy will be the best things!! You can't expect things to happen over night because of the years of trauma but over time you will learn to be who you are. Don't stress yourself and be gentle with yourself. And you need mixture of things to allow for you to heal.

I hope this helped. I will be starting therapy soon this month + I had to be on a higher dose (since April) of antidepressants because I started getting physical symptoms of depression which were no good to my health. You also need to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with! Don't rush into sharing things you are not comfortable with sharing. Secondly, be sure what you want in a therapist, i.e. gender, race, height, culture, age, religion or whatever could be the reason for things not working for you. For me it is the race, culture and gender that are major contributors. Also find someone who has experience in trauma and is a psychologist (they have a PhD). Or a good counselor who has lots of experience with people.

All the best and sorry for the longest answer.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks @jess_trustno1 for sharing your experiences.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything. My first T never mentioned the concept of a diagnosis (and I hadn't ever thought about it). My current T has mentioned the concept, but its too soon to get any feedback on a diagnosis. Maybe this is part of what is going wrong for me at the moment, I don't know if I have anxiety, I don't know if I have PTSD, I don't know if I'm depressed....I don't know what is going on, I just know I'm miserable.

Good point about the exercise... I have stopped. I know these are just excuses but I'm struggling to get through all the things I 'have' to do, that to put another chore in just seems too much. I also have physical limitations that severely limit my options so its not as easy as 'going for a walk'.

I do like my new T, its just that I'm very cautious (after my first disaster) which means we will go very slowly. She has been very clear that we can go as slow as I like, which I appreciate. I think I will ask her about possible medication.

 

[silkleaves]

I really feel where you are coming from.. I just wrote my introduction to the board and a lot of what I just wrote I can see in what you are saying. Like I said, I wish I could get my wall back up and my box to put everything back into, so that I could get back to that part of my life when I was able to function. But...I ended up seeking help because my wall and my box stopped working. They just disappeared one day, and I was just flopping around while my life crumbled around me, and I lost so much until I caved and realized I was not capable of doing it on my own anymore. I dont think I hit the bottom, but I came awfully close... So even though its tough, it may be a good thing that you started therapy before reaching that point where it was the last resort.

I did learn some great coping exercises and about meditation and grounding, so even though Im not in therapy anymore, I did come away with it with some tools that I didnt have before. But I wont lie, it did leave me feeling worse than when I started...but not because the isses werent already there. It just revealed itself after years of me not facing them. I hope that at some point your dr will be able to diagnose you... on one hand I felt deflated because something was wrong with me, on the other hand, it was a relief to know what it is, that Im not just overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing...its real.

 

[J_trustno1]

@ghotiff : yes, slower the better. You don't want to be badly triggered and hurt. Yes, we all have our bad experiences like I had with a horrible GP who accused me of many things and told about my privacy to his wife who happened to be a nurse at his clinic. It took me 3 months to trust another GP and I decided to never see a male doctor again, and THANK GOD, I only saw him for 2 months last year, he was the worst doctor in my life.

If you have trouble with exercise, it is wise to start slow in there too. Don't start with too many things at once because it can be overwhelming. Try testing what works for you and what doesn't. Then choose the safest option. You might enjoy the walk or you might even want to try swimming which is a lot gentle on joints and muscles and always recommended by physicians. Yoga could also be another option for stretching your muscles and getting you back into routine. It is all about weighing out things and finding what works for. Things that might have worked for me may not work for you but it best to keep trying and never giving up. Just take it easy on yourself and everything comes with time & practice. Hope you are feeling okay now.

 

[ghotiff]

So even though its tough, it may be a good thing that you started therapy before reaching that point where it was the last resort

This is an important point you have brought up. I think with my kids changing needs I would have pushed myself to meet those needs, but maybe that would have resulted in me breaking.

Just take it easy on yourself and everything comes with time & practice. Hope you are feeling okay now.

Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I just want to say I can relate. Medication isn't the answer, but it can give you (part of) the support you need in order to get yourself back on track.

 

[NovemberStar]

I really hope you can talk to your new T about this - and ask for a referral so you can be correctly diagnosed. Maybe it will be you don't have PTSD or depression. Maybe it will be that you can close the therapy box and move on in life, and not be stuck and return to your normal functioning.

Certainly if you were considering medication, then that has to be prescribed by a doctor - can you arrange to see a psychiatrist (as opposed to a GP)? What does your new T think about where you are?

I also agree that maybe, without therapy, you would have hit breaking point anyway.

Do you now what it was with your past T that ended so badly? It would be VITAL to talk to your new T about why that ended the way it did - it's not about seeking blame etc,. but to explore the reasons, and to ensure the same thing doesn't happen with this T. Your new T needs to know what makes you feel vulnerable, and what triggers you, so that she / he doesn't inadvertently cause you more pain.

You said you 'cut your friends out' - why was this? If you have friends, they might be really good support for you, rather than you have to fight it all alone. Did you ask them not to contact you because you felt overwhelmed by their problems? Or were you isolating?

I hope you can talk to your current T about the concerns you have raised in this thread - maybe even consider printing this off and taking it to your next session to discuss :hug:.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

For me after spending more than a decade unable to function, not able to do anything except sit or lie down curled up in a ball, unable to even concentrate on the radio or tv and turning to self-harm and suicide attempts. Now I'm on the first meds that have worked in more than six years of trying and I'm sleeping better, eating better, smiling and able to cope better and have even been out a few times. I feel a bit better which is amazing and not having to pour my energy into combating depression means I'm able to use that energy on anxiety. This is a drastic change and totally worth it. Medication can help, it can be a necessity, it can be life changing. but there are side-effects and of course it's not something you'd want unless you need them, but IF you need them, you need them. Some people don't want to be on meds because they feel as if they are weak/faulty by needing them and this isn't the case. Ultimately you have to do what feels best for you but if you feel the need or are considering it, I would strongly recommend talking to someone about it because it's obviously on your mind and it's best to get it out in the open.

Good Luck. :)

 

[ghotiff]

I know at least part of what went wrong with my first T, which can be summarized by - going too fast. I have told this to my T, she didn't seem open to hearing more (didn't want me to complain about my ex-T?), but I wrote it all down while I was trying to work what was happening, so if she asks I have details from the time.

You said you 'cut your friends out' - why was this? If you have friends, they might be really good support for you

My friends are nice and they try to be supportive but they don't get it and in their efforts to help I end up feeling worse. Most recently one tried to 'help' by 'normalising' my decade of sexual abuse, by telling me how common it is. I know I am overly sensitive at the moment... but these types of comments just leave me feeling totally minimised and alone.

But on the good side, the last 24hrs were much better than the previous 24. Thanks everyone for listening to me and being supportive. Clearly I need to learn how to better manage these 'bad' periods.