Sufferer Struggling To Keep My Head Above Water

[Saria]

Hi everyone. I’ve been on the forum for a couple of months now, so I figured it was about time I introduced myself.

I have been struggling with feelings of inferiority as long as I can remember, and grew up in a home with a lot of anger and criticism. In short, my dad was verbally abusive and my mom never liked me.

I’ve always been an outcast at school and have been struggling to make friends. I was sexually abused by my ex boyfriend when I was 17. He was suicidal and used a lot of drugs, and reminded me every week that he would kill himself if I broke up with him. After several months in hell I finally broke up with him, and he hanged himself.

I feel like I have been living the last six years in some sort of avoidant apathy and I don’t feel like I’m the one who has been living my life. I recently got into a loving and safe relationship with a wonderful guy, which seems to have triggered some unresolved issues and resulted in full-blown PTSD. I get overwhelmed by feelings of fear, sadness and hopelessness, and I don’t know if I will ever get better.

So… it’s been like this for a couple of months now and it feels like it’s only getting worse. I don’t know if any of you guys have had similar experiences with “latent” PTSD for several years, even though the ICD-10 and DSM doesn’t include it in their diagnostic criteria (as far as I know).

Anyway, this forum seems like a good place for people to share experiences and give and receive support, so I hope I can join in and be a part of that. And I hope you all are recovering well! Thank you for reading :)

 

[Tanishq]

Hi ivory,

welcome to this forums. You have arrived at right place. Here you will find lots of support, information and kindness you deserve. Hope you are well there today. :)

Kind hugs if you would like to have :hug:

 

[Sandstone]

Wecome - though the circumstances are different, I have delayed onset PTSD. You will find in ICD 10 reference to
Criteria B, C (For some purposes, onset delayed more than six months may be included but this should be clearly specified separately.)

The delay for me was over 30 years, but now think of it as a a latent/chronic phase and the current acute phase

I hope you will get the support you need, both here and professionally

 

[open eyes]

I was abused as a child but didn't develop PTSD until a sexual assault about 8 years later. Although the PTSD was initiated by the assault it was also fueled by unresolved emotions about the childhood abuse. It's called delayed onset.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi ivory, welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry to hear what you've been through. I hope you know that none of it was your fault whatsoever.

I agree that it could be late onset of PTSD. Or perhaps the PTSD started a lot earlier, but was masked by your feelings of apathy. Sometimes when we experience terrible things, we unintentionally block out the emotions and memories associated with those events, resulting in a form of apathy. It's like a "fight or flight" response, where we "flee" into ourselves, ignoring our feelings and trying to carry on like we're fine. But we can only hold on to that tactic for so long and I guess those triggers you experienced sort of burst the bubble you built around yourself as a form of protection. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I'm glad you've found this place and hope you will find the support you need and deserve here.

 

[Saria]

Thanks for a very warm welcome! (and thanks for the hugs Tanishq) :)

I wasn't aware of the delayed-onset subtype, so thank you for the information! It's comforting to hear that someone else have had similar experiences, although i'm very sorry to hear about the traumatic episodes you have been through. Hope things are getting better :)

@Snowwhite Yes, that does make sense. I've been thinking something along those lines myself, but i'm just amazed (and confused) by how powerful and tenacious our own protection/defence can be. I never even knew i had such strong emotions in me. The mind sure is complex.

Again, thank you for your kind words :) I hope you too are getting the help and support you need.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)