@Pencil - thank you for sharing your experience - my heart goes out to you - I do hope you can 'talk' more about it if you need to - I don't think enough attention is paid to transference and how deeply painful and profound it can be - and I am coming to realize it is NOT 'bad' nor are we 'stupid' or 'wrong' for feeling the way we do.
I read an excellent quote last tight (from 'tales of a boundary ninja'):
“This is incredibly frustrating because we cannot THINK our way through it; it’s not about what we know, it’s about what we’ve experienced.”
That is really helping me realize I do not need to feel 'stupid' (doesn't' mean I still don't of course, but it helps to have it validated that all the logic in the world doesn't 'fix' how we feel - we need to work through our feelings, and it can get better.
Pencil - have you read about
'Erotic Transference'? I ask because it's something that I used to experience with some of my female friends, and I used to feel so deeply ashamed of it, and think I really was 'in love' with them BUT - it was actually erotic transference (which ironically has not a lot to do with sexual attraction, sex, or 'begin in love' with the other person). Basically, Erotic Transference is the adult version of wanting and needing at the deepest level, our emotional needs met. It leaves us thinking we are sexually attracted to another person but in reality it's about a desperate need to feel SAFE and IN CONTROL. 'Lusting' after someone and fantasizing about having sex with them is actually our way of taking away some of their power over us -in our erotic fantasies, we have the power to 'make' them 'weak' and 'lose control' (sexually). It's very common to feel this way towards a T; because they have a lot of power in the therapeutic relationship. Imagining them 'losing control' as a direct result of OUR doing (our sexuality) evens out the power imbalance, and gives us a strong sense of control in the relationship.
Hope that makes sense! the webs tie I am pouring one these days (tale soy a boundary ninja) describes it perfectly! Such a RELEIF to have read that, even though initially I could hardly bear to read it, such was the shame and sensitivity I had to it. (Hope I haven't triggered anything by sharing it :().
I have avoided getting close to anyone also - I had a close friend for whom I started to feel I was 'in love' with too, about 8 years ago. When it turned out badly (namely she was not stable - she has serious issues, and of course, it makes sense I would develop such feelings for a strong woman who is very messed up - exactly mirroring my mother!), I avoided getting close to anyone again since. I moved cities and did not attempt to make any friends. I was an emotional island. ANd I coped well - my father was dying of cancer, I went through massive work stress (severe brain injury of a baby in my care, and I was initially blamed and went through a two and a half year investigation to prove I was not at fault - so we are talking pretty major stress here!), and yet I coped fine. I had not had any PTSD symptoms for over a decade at that point.
However, being an emotional island backfired when my city was hit by a series of large, devastating earthquakes - the second huge quake killed nearly 200 people and that event triggered more PTSD. A huge part of that was that I didn't have anyone to support me; to provide a sense of emotional safety in a time where NOTHING was 'saf'e or 'secure'. Think Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, and everything on it was under threat (food, water, petrols applies, emergency services, shelter, healthcare, friends and family, sense of safety etc) and remained under threat for 18 months of almost non-stop aftershocks - each minor wobble feeling incredibly threatening, as of course, it had the potential to be another fatal quake :sick:. So, literally, my not working on my inability to 'get close' to anyone else may be the difference between getting PTSD again in the future, or not. I do think if I can get to the point where I have an emotional safety net, then if faced with further trauma, the chicness of my then developing PTSD again would be greatly diminished. My emotional isolation was definitely a part in my PTSD coming back this time.
@bluebird - Do you see a T? I hope you can talk to your T about this, it's great you have such an understanding friend. Do you worry he will 'leave'? or find 'it too much'? I have those fears with my T. I guess I'm 'lucky' my transference IS with a T, because (if they are really good at their job) it is the safest place to have those feelings, because the therapeutic relationship protects us a LOT. I've had feelings similar with a few of my friendships - female ones (see above what I wrote to Pencil).
I have talked to my T about this - I sent her the email and we have begun telling about it (yesterday's session). It feels a lot better already, being able to talk to her about it, and to SHARE it - it's a huge burden to carry around indefinitely.
I know you're right too - it can be a good thing - if the transference is positive - and I do think this has the power to be strongly positive - because my T is a safe person, she is very skilled at her job, and she hasn't ran in the other direction when I bought it up with her - she really does want to help me, not hurt me, and so I do think, as hard as it will be, I am so grateful it is her I am feeling these feelings for, because deep down, I do trust her a lot.
