Medical Struggling With Identity, Meaning After Remission From Chronic Illness

[foreveralone2099]

when i was sick, my life was centered around being sick. and i was sick so long that i thought i'd never be better, and planned my life accordingly. i never had relationships or thought of a career or really did anything with long term goals in mind.

now that i'm better it feels like there's this massive void in my life. i work in a fairly respectable career now with people who have done fairly respectable things, like studied or worked hard and been responsible and put their nose the grindstone in order to get somewhere, and there's this sense that i haven't done that.

but mostly i feel developmentally delayed, like i'm still a child, i just happen to have aged. the experiences that let you transition to full adulthood: getting to know who you are, what jobs will suit you, what you want in a partner and who will make you happy: i never had this.

lived in a really low way for a really long time and i think people smell this on me. i'm from the hood. i know a lot of things girls my age probably shouldn't. i guess you don't get to take that back. i spend my time around middle class people now, and there's this profound sense of disconnect.

 

[GrayOwl]

I think you have knowledge and skills and life experiences that place you far above most people. You seem to be stuck judging yourself by the standards that our superficial society likes to use, labels that they like to place on us, and its easy for them because they like to quantify everything by - how much do you make? what "title" do you have?, what year of school did you complete?, where did you grow up?....... get the idea?
Don't fall for that. It's total bullshit. Happiness is an inside job, it starts within you. It's not easy to drown out the crowd noise - they like to throw it in your face - it makes them feel "better", like they're something.
Not many people know what you know or have gone through what you have. Choose your social circle and work circle wisely - good people are very rare - but wait for those that are. Involving yourself with service work often places you among different people and different perspectives that are much healthier and nearer to those kinds of people. I am very selective about my friends so I have very few, a few of whom I have found here on this website. And they often seem to appear in my life when I least expect it, or when I need it the most, or appear from somewhere totally unexpected.
It's okay to think different, feel different, even look and act different. It's a learned process though because our computer like little brains so want to latch on to what we see and are around - and we want so bad to be "accepted", when what really matters is how we accept ourselves. You probably are a little different. We ALL are. But you sound blessed to have a brain and a sensitivity.
Congratulations on fighting through serious illness and getting back in to society. Good things will come in time. But most of all, be grateful for what you have survived and what you have learned and gained from it - Difficult I know, but it is of great value and can be of help to many many others if you apply it.
Thank you for posting. This is a great thread.
My best wishes for continued recovery, serenity and happiness in life.

 

[GrayOwl]

Most of the "success" stories about people that I have ever seen are about people who have endured hardship and overcome it - and never became just a "minion" in society as a result of it.

 

[Mit]

but mostly i feel developmentally delayed, like i'm still a child, i just happen to have aged

I don't know why this is the case or if there is a connection with medical treatment over an extended period....but this is exactly how I feel, that I am still a child or 'child like'. I've not been able to understand why I feel like this. I spent the majority of my childhood in and out of hospital having treatment (surgery) for a congenital deformity.

One of my reactions is a form of self harm (I won't potentially offend you or unnecessarily embarrass myself by going into detail here) during which I regress to being a child. I was wondering if in my case it was this life long 'habit' that was tying me to a childlike persona or self image. But perhaps there is something more directly linked to my childhood medical experiences. It would be so helpful if there was any research that showed some psychological process that linked the two things.

getting to know who you are, what jobs will suit you, what you want in a partner and who will make you happy: i never had this.

I don't think I did either. But does anybody consciously? I do know that I missed so much schooling that I was always behind my peers and it sort of became expected that I wouldn't achieve academically. Everybody's expectations of me academically and career wise (my own included) were very low. It was a self fulfilling prophesy. I wasn't put forward for normal end of high school exams, I sat tests for low achievers, and then left school and got low paid jobs.

I was 30 when a girl friend said I should go back to education and go to university. She had two degrees and said she was sure I could do it. I thought she was nuts, and remember replying 'people like me don't go to university'. But with some persuasion and a lot of trepidation I did go and amazingly got through it. Years later and like you I have a 'respectable career'. But also like you I still don't feel the equal of my peers, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

I doubt this is of any help, me recounting my own story. But perhaps you can get some comfort that you are not alone in feeling this way. It's a bit of a revelation for me that somebody else feels the same way and thinks it might be related to long term medical treatment.