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Struggling with Mental Health and Finding No Help

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enlguy

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It would be a book to explain my whole situation, but let me give a short version.

I have no family. Mother died when I was 11, "father" (in quotes because he never earned the title, in my book) abused me thereafter, and even tried to convince me to kill myself at one point. Gaslighted me which severed all ties with any other "family" (quotes again because they were never supportive of me, only abused me further after his gaslighting). Grew up in an unsafe home with no support system.

Fast forward - two years ago I was taken hostage in my own home. Since then it's been like a mostly downward spiral of nightmares. I have no close friends, am in a foreign country, and almost out of money. Have no work right now, and about to be homeless. Tried to prioritize therapy, so spent money I couldn't afford only to be told by the therapist (who came highly recommended and is a specialist in C-PTSD) that I am too f*cked up to work with - her determination after one session (after rambling on and on about how healing takes a commitment to therapy). Now in an Airbnb having escaped a bad living situation only to have the host enter illegally, triggering everything. Airbnb has refused to help (incompetent reps that can't verify my phone number because their system has the wrong number, and they refused to fix it after I verified identity through several other means).

I have tried everything. Applied to literally hundreds of jobs. Reached out to several other therapists. Have increased attention to self-care. Reached out to anyone I know even loosely for support. NOTHING. I see no way out of this except suicide.
 
Suicide is just one option, but you want to be damn sure about it, as its permanent. Everything else you have faced, is fleeting, comes and goes. You can make changes, decide differently, so forth. Suicide though... permanent. Been there, done this myself, come out the other side. Some do, some don't, its a choice for all of us uniquely, and only you can make your choices.

My suggestion is this - stop relying on others to help you, or fix you, or whatever version of events you have in your head. Whether you feel you deserve it, are entitled to it, all irrelevant. Only you can fix you. Only you can change you. Nobody else. A therapist is a tool, they don't have a magic fix, you have to do the work.

If you want to live and not die, then the first place to start in fixing you, is cognitive distortions and fixing those in your day to day living. Again though, your choice.
 
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I can relate to a lot you have said here, especially the part about family convincing you to kill yourself

I too, have no family now, but to be honest, they were so damaging when I did have them, it's kind of better without them (I know that sounds bad, but there it is)

I have also had a therapist tell me I'm too damaged to work with, I've been through 10 therapists and still not found one who works for me

my work situation is different to yours, I can't work, even if I wanted to. I remember when doctors told me, it was a bit of a blow.

you're not alone.. and do keep reaching out. there are people here that care
 
hello guy. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

I have tried everything. Applied to literally hundreds of jobs. Reached out to several other therapists. Have increased attention to self-care. Reached out to anyone I know even loosely for support. NOTHING. I see no way out of this except suicide.
tons of empathy on the frustration of the process. a recurring theme in my own recovery has been the righteous souls telling me to, "just get help." as they are washing their hands and walking out the door. girl, howdy, i wish that getting help was as justy as washing my hands and walking out the door. i believe that these psychic conflicts are what we take with us when we go, so my imaginings of the suicide option doesn't look like much of a solution. just believing. . . proof irrelevant.

sigh. . .

these days i'm entertaining the possibility that maybe i have been given the help i need and am trying to shift the focus to recognizing and mastering the tools which have already been offered and are still being offered. maybe healing really is an inside job and it's up to me to work the process. maybe. . .

testing, 1, 2, 3. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.
 
I'm currently going through the most difficult phase in my life so far, too. It's... bewildering and overwhelming and has pushed me to the brink quite a few times too.

I know it feels awful, but it seems that for many/ most of us, going through this "worst of all times" at least once in our lives, is part of life's journey.

Are there charities and churches you can reach out too? Often, these places are specialised in people going through the worst-of-all-times and in how to provide simple, basic help. You may be surprised by how much of that help is actually available. Most of us aren't aware of it, until we actually need it.

Some charities, in addition to providing help for the homeless, also provide help for those on the brink of homelessness.

It can be hugely humbling to reach out for help when you're at the lowest point, but I think that's what you're supposed to do.

Put your life in fate's hands, or God's hands (if you're religious) and ask the universe for help and accept whatever legitimate help is on offer, however much you wish you didn't need it.

ETA: There's a very good (free) resource available online regarding suicidal ideation - it's the book "Suicide - the Forever Decision" by the psychologist Paul Quinnett. He's worked with countless suicidal patients and made his book freely available in the hope of saving as many lives as possible. It's available here:

 
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Hiya @enlguy. Don't commit suicide. We can help you. Many of us here have faced the same problem many times. Even in the darkest moments, know that there are people here to help you and understand you. Talk to us. I've nearly committed suicide multiple times. And I'm so glad I didn't because I now love my life (as best I can)!

With the right medication, professional counselling and personal commitment to get well I have successfully gotten "well". Its still a learning curve and I still get bad days but they're few and far between.
 
My most basic rule is this:

If my DEATH hurts? Die better.
If my LIFE hurts? Live better.

That means no matter how f*cked up my life is? Suicide isn’t a solution to it. Suicide is a solution to my death being f*cked up. Not my life being f*cked up.

***

You’re afraid of being homeless. I’ve been homeless.
I’ve also made upwards of 6 figures a year after being homeless.
Shrug. Life? Goes sideways sometimes.
 
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