Struggling With Self-Harm And Suicidal Ideation

[Lionheart]

jo74,

I went through the same kind of things you have mentioned and I found that a 3 day stay at the hospital helped me when I was feeling suicidal, so I highly recommend this. There is no shame in asking for help to get through these tough times......no shame in it at all.

As for self-harm, I believe it is known as 'attention reduction behavior'. We are basically swapping emotional pain for the physical pain because we find it easier to cope with...(at least for a while). I was taught to do anything else except to act on the self-harm urges. It worked...I used to be a cutter and abuse myself in other ways and now I am completely free of it. It took time and a lot of will power, but it was well worth it. A lot of my strength came from having a good support system and coming here and posting has helped me quite a bit as well. It's a lot like any habit, it takes time to get used to replacing the self harm with self love, so don't be so hard on yourself, having DID is not your fault!

 

[onebravegirl]

Hi there.
I am Onebravegirl. Your short story was very touching to me. Baby steps dear one, just small steps. I HIGHLY recomend inpatient treatment. It saved me on many occasions. An added bonus for me was the Amazing women I met there, fellow patients that taught me so much courage. This place is wonderful too. None of us can save you, or stop you from hurting yourself, but we all do care and will help you talk and think through what ever you choose to share,
With Hope,
O

 

[Tija]

Hi Jo. One thing that I learned about my past self-harm, is that I did it because I held in all my trauma for much too long. I had virtually a 0 (zero) support system. This led to feelings of being trapped, and very scared and angry. So, the pressure of the pain had to come out somehow, and I found relief through self harm. It always happened on impulse, which I acted upon.

I think that self-harm can be a form of a bad habit or addiction, but I believe it can be broken. Today, I have a pretty good support system that involves, not only friends, family and a psych, but also a weekly free PTSD support group that meets every week. The ability to keep connecting and bonding with safe people, through expressing everything that I am feeling and going through, while still being loved and accepted, has been one of the major keys to stopping this madness.

The journey to reaching out did not come easy for me though. I had terrible trust issues. But I got to such a point where I was so broken, I felt I had no choice. It's turned out very well, surprisingly.

If I can say anything that might help you to break that impulse, I'd just say reach out, keep reaching out, never stop reaching out. Soak in the love,care and understanding of other people. They are out there.

Tija

 

[jo74]

Thanks again for everyones support. I was in-patient last week and am doing the partial programming this week. It did help some, but am still having the suicidal ideations and my depression hasn't lifted much. My flashbacks won't stop.

My therapist wants me to go to a treatment facility that specializes in trauma, and works with Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's becoming a bit overwhelming because I know I'll be gone several weeks.

My insurance may keep me from doing it though, because it's out-of-network. Once I get on disability, that won't be such a problem. But it could take another year. There's not many places in the US that specialize in DID. I've been looking at one in California, Texas and Maryland. I spent countless hours this past weekend trying to find a place.

I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

jo

 

[Perspective11]

I wish you all the luck in getting the help you need.

My brother and I are on disability for PTSD, depression, etc and the treatment options that we need aren't paid for, including inpatient.

 

[Moony]

I'm also finding this difficult at the moment. Until recently (the last 2 weeks) I cut myself everyday. Never where people would see. I feel like it's something that I have to do to make the pain go away, but it never does. I told a close friend, who has been helpful but I feel like if/when I cut again I'll be betraying his trust in some way and that makes me feel worse. I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense.

Since I haven't been cutting, things have been difficult. I feel like I'm not grounded. I've also noticed that almost as a response to not being able to cut, I've barely been eating. As if this makes up for it in some way. I really don't know what to do. I've been considering going to the doctor and seeing if I can get any meds to help, but that in itself makes me feel...ashamed...like the perp wins (I don't mean any offense here).