Struggling With Therapy Concepts

[WillowMarie]

I had a hard session a couple days ago. I felt really upset. It still feels pretty foggy, but I will try to explain what happened. I guess I want to know if I am over reacting/wrong in how I feel.

I am pretty sure we were talking about emotions and it led to her asking if anything bad happened if I expressed anger, if I got in trouble for it. I brought up two memories which she already knew about.

One was, I don't remember the beginning or how it ended, was when I threw a plate at my dad from across the table and ran and he chased me down the hallway. My therapist said she understood why he would have that response, why he would get angry if I threw a plate at him.

The other one was when my dad accused me of taking my brothers pillow and I told him I didn't take it. My brother found his pillow and it was proved I didn't take it. I told my dad, see I told you I didn't take it. and he yelled at me, I don't care, just shut up.

My therapist said again, she sees why he would get mad, I remember she used the word "disrespect".

I was starting to loose it at this point. My therapist knows I have trouble with anything that sounds invalidating. I don't know if she was trying to push my buttons or what.

I actually cried and wasn't able to stop it. I was having a battle in my head. My head was saying, see, she is saying how bad of a kid you were. You were being disrespectful, you need to learn to control your emotions. It was bad that you got angry.

But on the other hand, I was reminding myself I had reasons to get angry. That I understood why I was frustrated. My dad was an asshole, why would I just stay quiet and put up with that??

I told my therapist, but he was always like that. Always stubborn and mean. How could I not get mad sometimes?

My therapist reminded me that she wasn't saying what he did was right, but that she was understanding why he might have done it. That she was trying to understand him. All I was hearing still was that if what my dad did wasn't right, I wasn't right either.

I think I am taking another break from therapy. I just can't stand the thought of going back to see her right now.

 

[Healing Reins]

I can see both your point of view and hers. I can see just through your typing how hurt you are by all of this, I think maybe taking a break from therapy might be a good idea. But don't take a break out of anger, because I did that with a friend once, and that break became forever. Your feelings about therapy will cement and then you might not ever want to go back. (I don't know, that's just my point of view. I could be totally wrong) But I think maybe try to have one more session, and talk about the break with your therapist, like what you hope to accomplish during the break, if anything, and what you feel like a break will do for both you and her!

I think if you feel you need a break you should take one, but let your therapist know you are taking a break! :)

Good luck with everything! Sorry if this was crappy advice! I'm not very good at giving advice!

 

[scout86]

I don't know if she was trying to push my buttons or what.

Is it possible that she was just expressing a thought? You said that she told you she wasn't saying your father was right, just that she understood his reaction. What are you looking for from her? Do you want her to NOT tell you her reactions to things? Do you want her to always tell you that you're right and you're seeing things in the most useful and accurate way possible? Do you think you DO always see things in the most accurate and useful way possible? (I'm guessing you don't, or you wouldn't be in therapy!)

If I wanted my T to continually just tell me I'm right, I probably wouldn't waste the time and money going to see him. I'm not there for my views to be affirmed, I'm there to learn. The affirmation I get comes more in the form of "You're worth working with, even if you're WRONG." LOL That's really a pretty affirming experience. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to understand better and handle better. I'm hoping that, by listening with an open mind, and being available to learn, I can do that. It happens more when he disagrees with me than when he agrees with me, although he does both.

Sometimes, when things seem really tough quitting is exactly the wrong thing to do. You're T sounds pretty good. I'd suggest you talk about this with her some more and give things more of a chance before you quit. Good luck!

 

[Hashi]

My therapist reminded me that she wasn't saying what he did was right, but that she was understanding why he might have done it. That she was trying to understand him. All I was hearing still was that if what my dad did wasn't right, I wasn't right either.

What you're hearing isn't necessarily what she's saying. It does sound like your buttons are getting pushed by the topic because it's such a sensitive topic for you - that doesn't mean your therapist is deliberately pushing them. It's possible you could be misinterpreting what she's saying because your feelings are flaring up before you're able to take sufficient time to think about the words and what they mean.

I agree with @scout86. It's tough to be challenged by therapy, but therapy without any challenge at all wouldn't be much use.

I think it's too soon to decide to take a break. I think it would be worth staying with this and discussing it more with your therapist before deciding anything.

 

[LuckyDuck]

Well using the words "disrespect" could have been said two ways.

"I understand why he could have reacted that way. He could have felt that you were disrespecting him."

"I understand why he could have reacted that way. You were disrespecting him."

Both ways are problematic. The word "disrespect", even if the therapist doesn't think it is what actually was happening, can be interpreted as though they are. It has a sense to some people as though it's being insinuated that a person is being disrespectful. Tones of voices can convey that better than text. I'll use italics to help"

"He could have felt you were disrespecting him." Now imagine a disapproving look by the person who said that.

Sometimes even without things being said in a tone of disapproval, the brain still takes it that way. That's the hard part, figuring that out.

Totally, take some time off if you can afford it. Maybe talking further to your therapist about how this got to you, figure out what you can on this event and let her know. It sucks now. Struggling internally is not easy. But maybe, hopefully, something that you've gone through in this recent kerfuffle might help you in the future, might allow for some sort of healing.

Best of luck,

LD

 

[WillowMarie]

Thank you for the replies. I will respond at some point, but right now the feelings and thoughts have come back and it is hard for me to think any other way right now.

I do have an appointment tomorrow since I procrastinated and didn't cancel, so I guess I will be talking about it with her again.

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe write an email to your T about what you 'heard' (not necessarily what your T said) and how you felt about it. I'm not suggesting an angry email...but an email that explains yourself and your feelings. The email gives your T an opportunity to understand what happened from your perspective, understand that you were hurt and invalidated by what happened, and then your T can learn about how to approach this type of thing better for you.

 

[WillowMarie]

I ended up having my appointment this morning since she was booked Monday. On Monday night, whatever was going on, finally seemed to pass and I was able to counter the thoughts and feel some sort of relief from it. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, realized how grounded I felt (instead of the dissociative haze I was in).

I can't tell you guys how much I journaled and cried until then...

At my appointment , we talked about what thoughts I was having this past week. About how I felt that she said that I caused my dad to be angry because of how I responded to him. I was having thoughts like, everyone blames me because I can't control my emotions, and that if only I could learn to control myself then dad wouldn't be mean and yell and get angry. It was because I was a bad kid and I deserved it. That I did this to myself and everyone looks down on me for it.

That everyone blames me because I can't be like my brothers and mom and just accept him for being that way.

And when my therapist said she could understand why my dad would get angry because it is a valid response, it meant I should have known better and that I deserved how I was treated because I was a bad kid for letting him get to me.

I thought it was interested because after I shared what thoughts had been in my head, she said, ah, a memory. Which I hadn't thought of it that way. She had asked if anyone said those things to me, but I am not sure. All I know is that those thoughts consumed me last week. I am not sure if those things were ever said to me or what.

I had a really hard time coming to read the comments because my thoughts kept coming and saying, see, they think you deserved it, too. They blame you, too, for getting angry. They think it is all your fault, too.

But in reality, I reread them today with a much clearer mind, and I don't get that from anyone that gave comments/questions.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement to keep going to therapy. I was worried I would crash again after the appointment today, but I still feel quite liberated. I have started crying again, but it is more crying out of relief and healthy release. Is this what it feels like to have something processed?