blondiebear69
New Here
I am in a relationship with a man who has complex PTSD. Initially, after many break-ups, I realized that we had both forgotten to educate me as to what that means for him, and for us. Add in the fact that I am the first and only intimate, serious relationship he has ever had, and the fact that he believes I might have PTSD myself, while my family and others think it's Asperger's, PLUS the fact that I have avoided serious intimate relationships, and haven't lived with a partner since I was 20. I moved in with this man by the end of February of this year, and it is a tough adjustment, always forgetting that he has lived a pretty solitary life and it takes a long, long time to undo that thinking and those patterns.
Forgetting that I, too, have lived a rather solitary life, in that I have lived on my own, sometimes with my young child home with me, since I was 25. I am now 37, and I keep forgetting to remind myself that I have to learn how to live with another person as well. Adding in the PTSD and this being his first serious relationship, but one we both want, his solitary behaviour and patterns, and his refusal to communicate with me, or be honest and tell me what's wrong when I ask if something is wrong, plus my odd inability to remember to give him plenty of space. I have a hard time understanding, I guess, WHY he needs so much space. Why he seems to feel that he needs so much space that I don't feel like I fit in there. And, because I tend to feel that his need for space leaves little room for time with me (though I know otherwise, it's not always easy to remember or believe when you are trying to learn these things, or adjust to the differences and special challenges that come along with being in a relationship with a person afflicted with this horrible thing), I guess I end up then "smothering" him (though, to any "normal" person not afflicted with this, they wouldn't necessarily see it as smothering, nor would the fact that someone loves affection and giving it/showing it make that person want to push it and the person giving it, away) because I am trying to fit myself into the picture.
Which is exactly the opposite of what is needed. But, in any learning process, things take time, and patience. And he has a lack of patience. Not having been in any loving relationship before, he has a whole lot to learn about relationships, how they work, and that, if you love someone (which I know he does), you don't keep yourself partway outside the relationship, ready to explode with hurtful things spewing out of your mouth, ready to threaten to leave because things aren't going your way. He has to learn that, less than two weeks since what ended up being a productive talk, is not going to be enough time to learn and change behaviours. Walking out the door, or threatening to, because things are hard and not going the way you think they should, when you (as he does) have an incorrect view of how relationships should be (he, at least he used to, believes(d) that relationships shouldn't be this much work---but, I know, with two people who have never been in a healthy, loving, trusting relationship, who are sharing the same space, there IS a lot of work to be done, a lot of learning, and it will take a lot of time).
I love him. Unconditionally. And despite the challenges I face in being with him, which I find myself not allowed to communicate to him, while I get all my flaws and problems pointed out to me in the worst possible way, cruelly, in ways that basically say to me, while he is throwing the words in my face, that he doesn't love me unconditionally, that he doesn't love me enough to not want to hurt me. And that, right there, hurts. Because, in him, I have found my other half, and the only person in this world I want to be with. I didn't want relationships, I had given up. I have spent a lifetime of dating liars, cheats, and abusive men. I have my own struggles. I have my imperfections, my problems. But instead of finding quiet times, with a soft, gentle way to approach sensitive topics, he always comes at me when he's mad, or feeling suffocated, or whatever is going on inside of him, that I just do not understand.
And I am left hurting, feeling like I did whenever I was in a physically abusive relationship, and I had just been hit. I shut down. I break down. I cannot cope, I cannot listen, I cannot do anything. I blubber, I make no coherent sense. And at the same time, I am trying hard not to lash out and say anything poisonous or hateful. But I hate myself, for always being home. For always being in his space. We live in a one bedroom apartment, and I am not currently employed. I have a back injury that prevents it, though I have been applying for several jobs lately, to find something to get me out of the house, to get me away from him, out of his space. To hopefully let him find his way to being fully and completely in this relationship. To seeing that I do everything for him, I want everything for him (and this includes finding a way out from under the PTSD if possible, instead of it remaining something that keeps us with this barrier between us), and I want to give him everything he needs. But I have needs too. I got to express some last time we fought, and I think---I am pretty sure---he heard me.
I moved a bed into the living room for him, and we have been sleeping apart almost two weeks now, which just kills me. Now, he plans to leave me for a couple of days on a weekend that we have had plans for months, so I melted down in a big way. Not because he was leaving for a couple of days. But because of the huge and crushing disappointment that came the second he told me he was leaving town (which was also a few hours after I had asked him what was wrong, he said nothing, then went off and made plans and decisions without even thinking he should communicate anything to me---because, according to him, he cannot communicate with me, though when he does, he does it with a raised voice and a ton of anger, not when I ask him what's wrong in a quieter time), seeing our months of looking forward to this specific weekend, not happen.
And, with all the arguing that came after that, and he told me I wasn't hearing him, and he was done, when I asked what it was that I wasn't hearing, he shut down and told me (once again) that he is done, we are over, he is moving, I can keep the cat, etc.
He goes to this place too easily. Too often.
When he made a huge commitment to me, in asking if I would marry him, that was the happiest moment I can remember in our relationship. Why? Because, in that moment, he was fully in the relationship, both feet, and that told me that, when we had a struggle, or an argument, he wouldn't just retreat and then end up breaking up with me, as he had done time and again prior to that night. It told me that we were working toward something, together. Neither of us had wanted marriage prior to being with each other. He changed my wants in that. I wanted nothing that to see us together, for the rest of our lives, as us being together brings something amazing out of him, that I never saw in the time before we got together (we were friends first), and it is awesome. I said yes to him, knowing what a challenge he is, but also knowing that, while he is quite a unique challenge, at least in terms of my experience with men and relationships, I am a handful too, as I have issues to work through, which require help, patience, love and understanding.
Him constantly breaking up with me triggers my fears of abandonment, and makes me feel like the little girl who lost her father, her only person she could properly bond with. It's hard to explain, but it makes me want to curl up into a little ball and just avoid the world. Because I cannot handle it if he walks away from me. Permanently. He is the one person who is supposed to love me, and understand me, and have the patience and care to not lash out and hurt me, and not abandon me when things aren't working exactly the way he wants them to be.
I would give anything to have a reason to not be at home 100% of the time. But, at the same time, why does it have to be ME that isn't home? He is the one with a bus pass. I am not. I can borrow his, but then I feel like he might need it. He has just as much ability to leave the house as I do. And I am the one that does everything, almost all of the cooking and cleaning around here, which means I am home more often. Trying to give him his space and time, I have started making use of the public library. I spend long periods of time reading, devouring books. I brought home a game just for him to play. I ask if I can sit on the couch with him while he plays. If he were to say no, I would go elsewhere. But he doesn't. I have given him a bed in the living room, allowing us to sleep apart for now, and that hurts me in a big way, I need a night with him beside me, but it's about his needs, not mine.
I don't honestly know how to wrap my head around exactly what it is that he deals with. I don't know how to learn these things if I am not given time and patience. He also needs to learn about me and what I deal with, what I go through. Just before he walked out the door for a few hours, I was broken down, in tears, and I confessed that I hate that I am home all the time, that I am trying as hard as I can to find a way to not be here so much. That I hate myself for always being here, for not being able to NOT be here. I now feel trapped, as I have no money, nowhere to go. I have no bus pass, and sitting on the bus hurts me, walking hurts me. The only thing that doesn't hurt is lying down. Which I can only do at home. I HATE THAT. I hate that I hate myself, I hate that I am always here, in his space, and that he won't talk to me when something is bothering him, that he lets it fester and then explodes, then wants to just give up on us.
I need his help. I need to learn, I want to learn, I need help in that. But it can't always be focusing on my problems. And the way he does it currently always makes me feel like he's trying to be my therapist, rather than my partner, and I don't want that, at all. I have no tolerance for therapists, psychiatrists, etc., as I have been lied to and betrayed by more than one so far in my life, so when he starts talking to me in a certain way, yes, I shut down. I want my partner. I want the man who looks at me with love in my eyes to let me know that he loves me for who I am, and knows I am capable of more, of better, and that he is willing to help me fight my demons with the same amount of patience and understanding I try and give him.
But I worry that this might not be possible with his own affliction. I worry that he cannot see some things, or won't, because he's not ready. We both have a lot to learn, and this learning can only happen with the love and support of the other. But how do I get it out of him, for me, when I need desperately for someone to lean on, and that someone just wants space?
Forgetting that I, too, have lived a rather solitary life, in that I have lived on my own, sometimes with my young child home with me, since I was 25. I am now 37, and I keep forgetting to remind myself that I have to learn how to live with another person as well. Adding in the PTSD and this being his first serious relationship, but one we both want, his solitary behaviour and patterns, and his refusal to communicate with me, or be honest and tell me what's wrong when I ask if something is wrong, plus my odd inability to remember to give him plenty of space. I have a hard time understanding, I guess, WHY he needs so much space. Why he seems to feel that he needs so much space that I don't feel like I fit in there. And, because I tend to feel that his need for space leaves little room for time with me (though I know otherwise, it's not always easy to remember or believe when you are trying to learn these things, or adjust to the differences and special challenges that come along with being in a relationship with a person afflicted with this horrible thing), I guess I end up then "smothering" him (though, to any "normal" person not afflicted with this, they wouldn't necessarily see it as smothering, nor would the fact that someone loves affection and giving it/showing it make that person want to push it and the person giving it, away) because I am trying to fit myself into the picture.
Which is exactly the opposite of what is needed. But, in any learning process, things take time, and patience. And he has a lack of patience. Not having been in any loving relationship before, he has a whole lot to learn about relationships, how they work, and that, if you love someone (which I know he does), you don't keep yourself partway outside the relationship, ready to explode with hurtful things spewing out of your mouth, ready to threaten to leave because things aren't going your way. He has to learn that, less than two weeks since what ended up being a productive talk, is not going to be enough time to learn and change behaviours. Walking out the door, or threatening to, because things are hard and not going the way you think they should, when you (as he does) have an incorrect view of how relationships should be (he, at least he used to, believes(d) that relationships shouldn't be this much work---but, I know, with two people who have never been in a healthy, loving, trusting relationship, who are sharing the same space, there IS a lot of work to be done, a lot of learning, and it will take a lot of time).
I love him. Unconditionally. And despite the challenges I face in being with him, which I find myself not allowed to communicate to him, while I get all my flaws and problems pointed out to me in the worst possible way, cruelly, in ways that basically say to me, while he is throwing the words in my face, that he doesn't love me unconditionally, that he doesn't love me enough to not want to hurt me. And that, right there, hurts. Because, in him, I have found my other half, and the only person in this world I want to be with. I didn't want relationships, I had given up. I have spent a lifetime of dating liars, cheats, and abusive men. I have my own struggles. I have my imperfections, my problems. But instead of finding quiet times, with a soft, gentle way to approach sensitive topics, he always comes at me when he's mad, or feeling suffocated, or whatever is going on inside of him, that I just do not understand.
And I am left hurting, feeling like I did whenever I was in a physically abusive relationship, and I had just been hit. I shut down. I break down. I cannot cope, I cannot listen, I cannot do anything. I blubber, I make no coherent sense. And at the same time, I am trying hard not to lash out and say anything poisonous or hateful. But I hate myself, for always being home. For always being in his space. We live in a one bedroom apartment, and I am not currently employed. I have a back injury that prevents it, though I have been applying for several jobs lately, to find something to get me out of the house, to get me away from him, out of his space. To hopefully let him find his way to being fully and completely in this relationship. To seeing that I do everything for him, I want everything for him (and this includes finding a way out from under the PTSD if possible, instead of it remaining something that keeps us with this barrier between us), and I want to give him everything he needs. But I have needs too. I got to express some last time we fought, and I think---I am pretty sure---he heard me.
I moved a bed into the living room for him, and we have been sleeping apart almost two weeks now, which just kills me. Now, he plans to leave me for a couple of days on a weekend that we have had plans for months, so I melted down in a big way. Not because he was leaving for a couple of days. But because of the huge and crushing disappointment that came the second he told me he was leaving town (which was also a few hours after I had asked him what was wrong, he said nothing, then went off and made plans and decisions without even thinking he should communicate anything to me---because, according to him, he cannot communicate with me, though when he does, he does it with a raised voice and a ton of anger, not when I ask him what's wrong in a quieter time), seeing our months of looking forward to this specific weekend, not happen.
And, with all the arguing that came after that, and he told me I wasn't hearing him, and he was done, when I asked what it was that I wasn't hearing, he shut down and told me (once again) that he is done, we are over, he is moving, I can keep the cat, etc.
He goes to this place too easily. Too often.
When he made a huge commitment to me, in asking if I would marry him, that was the happiest moment I can remember in our relationship. Why? Because, in that moment, he was fully in the relationship, both feet, and that told me that, when we had a struggle, or an argument, he wouldn't just retreat and then end up breaking up with me, as he had done time and again prior to that night. It told me that we were working toward something, together. Neither of us had wanted marriage prior to being with each other. He changed my wants in that. I wanted nothing that to see us together, for the rest of our lives, as us being together brings something amazing out of him, that I never saw in the time before we got together (we were friends first), and it is awesome. I said yes to him, knowing what a challenge he is, but also knowing that, while he is quite a unique challenge, at least in terms of my experience with men and relationships, I am a handful too, as I have issues to work through, which require help, patience, love and understanding.
Him constantly breaking up with me triggers my fears of abandonment, and makes me feel like the little girl who lost her father, her only person she could properly bond with. It's hard to explain, but it makes me want to curl up into a little ball and just avoid the world. Because I cannot handle it if he walks away from me. Permanently. He is the one person who is supposed to love me, and understand me, and have the patience and care to not lash out and hurt me, and not abandon me when things aren't working exactly the way he wants them to be.
I would give anything to have a reason to not be at home 100% of the time. But, at the same time, why does it have to be ME that isn't home? He is the one with a bus pass. I am not. I can borrow his, but then I feel like he might need it. He has just as much ability to leave the house as I do. And I am the one that does everything, almost all of the cooking and cleaning around here, which means I am home more often. Trying to give him his space and time, I have started making use of the public library. I spend long periods of time reading, devouring books. I brought home a game just for him to play. I ask if I can sit on the couch with him while he plays. If he were to say no, I would go elsewhere. But he doesn't. I have given him a bed in the living room, allowing us to sleep apart for now, and that hurts me in a big way, I need a night with him beside me, but it's about his needs, not mine.
I don't honestly know how to wrap my head around exactly what it is that he deals with. I don't know how to learn these things if I am not given time and patience. He also needs to learn about me and what I deal with, what I go through. Just before he walked out the door for a few hours, I was broken down, in tears, and I confessed that I hate that I am home all the time, that I am trying as hard as I can to find a way to not be here so much. That I hate myself for always being here, for not being able to NOT be here. I now feel trapped, as I have no money, nowhere to go. I have no bus pass, and sitting on the bus hurts me, walking hurts me. The only thing that doesn't hurt is lying down. Which I can only do at home. I HATE THAT. I hate that I hate myself, I hate that I am always here, in his space, and that he won't talk to me when something is bothering him, that he lets it fester and then explodes, then wants to just give up on us.
I need his help. I need to learn, I want to learn, I need help in that. But it can't always be focusing on my problems. And the way he does it currently always makes me feel like he's trying to be my therapist, rather than my partner, and I don't want that, at all. I have no tolerance for therapists, psychiatrists, etc., as I have been lied to and betrayed by more than one so far in my life, so when he starts talking to me in a certain way, yes, I shut down. I want my partner. I want the man who looks at me with love in my eyes to let me know that he loves me for who I am, and knows I am capable of more, of better, and that he is willing to help me fight my demons with the same amount of patience and understanding I try and give him.
But I worry that this might not be possible with his own affliction. I worry that he cannot see some things, or won't, because he's not ready. We both have a lot to learn, and this learning can only happen with the love and support of the other. But how do I get it out of him, for me, when I need desperately for someone to lean on, and that someone just wants space?
