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Stubborn Inner Young Adult Self

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samson

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I have been working deep in EMDR for a year now. We are finally down to my identity and the parts of myself that are holding me back or I'm holding them back. I was sexually and emotionally traumatized as a young adult and that part of me is so hard to reach.

This is going to sound bonkers to those who haven't experienced it be I see the image of my younger self standing in my bedroom and I can't get her to leave with me. There is so much guilt, self-hatred and fear. She blames herself for all sorts of things and it afraid if she leaves that room she will be rejected.

My T asked me if I could accept her. I don't know.

Anyone?
 
She isn't safe. Find a way to make her feel safe and she'll be able to leave.

My inner child, well, I thought she was dead until I realized she didn't feel safe to come out. She finally came out when she felt safe---she knew I'd do ANYTHING to protect her.
 
Solara, thanks for the reply. There is such a conflict for me. I'm trying to help her, but I still struggle with all of that being her fault. (My fault.) Not only is the relationship her fault, but since I am still single at 43 it feels like that is her fault too.
 
I know what you mean about it sounding bonkers. But not ti me! I see my younger selves too and though I accept them, I don't know that they want to join me. I am - and I can't believe I am doing this - going to see a shaman Tuesday to see about some of them joining back up with me. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. We'll see. It won't harm me for sure. It isn't expensive and man I will try anything that isn't dangerous to feel more whole. I will report back the results.

Do you not want that self back right now? Could you support that self and be compassionate and teach her that she wasn't at fault? Maybe she would be able to teach you too. She deserves all the love you have but I know with this thing we have, sometimes it's all we can do to make it thru the day.
 
How do you access your inner child in the first place? I hear about people doing this all of the time in forms of therapy. What are some things that have been learned in therapy to recognize and communicate with this entity?
She isn't safe. Find a way to make her feel safe and she'll be able to leave.

My inner child, well, I thought she was dead until I realized she didn't feel safe to come out. She finally came out when she felt safe---she knew I'd do ANYTHING to protect her.
 
How do you access your inner child in the first place?

What are some things that have been learned in therapy to recognize and communicate with this entity?

I was able to access "little me" by asking her written questions with my dominant hand, and then replying by writing with my non-dominant hand.

I don't remember what I did to get her to first come out; I only remember I had to make her feel safe. It was a few years ago now. I know I did fun kid type stuff that she loved.
 
Very relevant, and emotive stuff for me at the moment. I've recently started working on inner child imagery stuf in therapy, after years of stubborn, self-conscious resistance on principle...

So this is another twist on bonkers, but we've been working on identifying multiple, inner sub-selves/children, at different ages and developmental states and in various events/scenarios that were poignant to them. We've been working on engaging the child in dialogue with T, introducing him into the image and into discussion with her about how she feels, what she wants/needs, and ultimately, trying to encourage her to go with him to safety.

We're using T at this point, as opposed to my adult self, as I currently can't engage in this with my adult self at all and absolutely do not feel safe to do so, and as a result, my inner children feel profoundly unsafe with my adult presence. So the idea is to gradually (and it does take time) teach them to trust and to "escape" with T first, and then to slowly, hopefully, work on exchanging T with my adult self.

Like I said, it might sound bonkers... but so far, it's proving to be some of the most emotive, challenging, but implicitly meaningful and helpful work we've done, and both T and I were sceptical for a long time.

It's very early days yet, but it's truly liberating. Speaking from the place of my inner children is the only way I have found to date to give voice and expression to some of my most painful and suppressed feelings and experiences that I simply can't access from an adult place without them being suffocated by shame and self-judgment.

And I've been following up the imagery exercises by writing letters, again to T for now, from that child, reflecting and expanding on the experience of engaging with T and anything else that comes out as I start to write. Again, these have been almost mesmorising in their intensity and usefulness, for both T and I.

Initially accessing the children came through a range of exercises that I first read about in a book by John Bradshaw called "Healing the shame that binds you", as well as some modified EMDR sessions we had worked on. We did a lot of general imagery exercises relating to my childhood experiences, and in time, the children emerged and took on shape and form in the context of those images.

This isn't work I could have done until I felt very very safe with T and in the therapeutic environment, and I wouldn't recommend doing this sort of work until you have a very well-established and functional therapeutic relationship in place, because it does cut to the core and takes you very deep into both conscious and unconscious places that you can't often predict in advance. Both you and your therapist have to be comfortable and secure in your mutual communication in order for that to be safe.

Maddog
 
Ugh. Sounds similar Samson. I don't even look at pictures of myself as a little girl because I don't associate with her. Just know you aren't alone. I don't have a solution except to say keep working at it.

Sometimes I think I keep her (little me) at bay because it is easier to place blame and shame on her rather than be vulnerable enough to listen to her and accept it wasn't her fault. I am afraid the floodgates would open and I can't predict or control what emotions I may have over that so I just keep her pushed away. I don't see her as any relation to me, nor do I sympathize with her.

Hang in there!
 
When I worked a few months ago with my 20 year old self, I needed to keep some distance and stay firmly in the present at the same time. I see younger selves a bit differently from the way many other people do, and for me it's important not to feel overwhelmed by them, their fears, their feelings towards my present self and their energy.

I couldn't start feeling connection or compassion for myself at 20 unless I felt safely in the present. My therapist represented this with empty chairs. I didn't sit in the 20 year old self chair, only next to it. I also had a "future self" chair on the other side of me to emphasise the passing of time between my different selves. I stayed always in the present one. Having a 20 year old self chair next to me reinforced my present day safety while I worked on accepting who I was and how I was at 20.

I did that a little while ago, and after recently doing some more trauma work in therapy for what happened when I was 20, I had a spontaneous feeling of being integrated again with myself at aged 20 - not in a traumatised way, but that we were essentially the same person. It was like the work I did before was consciously trying to accept and forgive her, and gradually that and other processes made the acceptance real.

Given the way I needed to approach things, I'd say that seeing a younger self as a separate entity might be a helpful image to be given, rather than always directly experiencing the feeling of being her. Of course, it needs to be you and your therapist deciding how best to work, but letting her voice things, or expressing things to her, while being aware that she's still separate from you in this way might be one thing to think about.

For me, even just letting my 20 year old self be there, in my time line, was a very big step in starting to accept her. I'd been so cut off from her, there was a lot to process just from her presence. That was before I could start looking at her feelings, and my feelings towards her.
 
These stories are so comforting for me and I see so much of what I'm going through in them. That young adult self is completely overwhelmed with guilt and shame. We asked her why she wouldn't leave the room and she said she is afraid of being rejected. My adult self would prefer to leave her there because I can continue to pretend this never happened. My T pointed out that that wasn't working so well. He asked if I could accept her and I couldn't answer him - just cry. He said that he could accept her if she would allow it. I couldn't even look at him when he said that. I wanted to run away.

I know this is progress of some sort. When I first started T a year and 1/2 ago I couldn't feel anything and didn't cry. I turned everything into guilt and depression.

Thanks so much for the dialog!
 
I don't feel profound. :) Today is one of those days where I just want to quit therapy and try to put everything back like it was. I feel completely out of control. My emotions are ruling me right now and I start to worry it will show at work. It's a miserable feeling. I tried to get an appointment with T today, but he's booked solid.

I have Monday's off but I work a second job. I did okay there today, on the outside, but I hate the way I feel on the inside. I'm also light headed which is usually a sign I trying to dissociate again.

You are all so good to listen to me complain. As you all know, this is really hard work and people just don't understand unless they have experienced it. We are really really brave!
 
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