Stupid Row Over Parenting

[GWhizz]

So I just had a total meltdown, outburst etc... Over what could be considered a trivial parenting matter.

My almost 3yo is a very sensitive soul. Today at another child's birthday, he had a tiff over a toy which soon led to screams. I'm following an approach that I've very carefully thought out and read a lot on where we use a whole brain approach to help nurture and develop his emotions so that he can integrate it with logic and also the same with primitive and executive brain functioning.

Anyway... My partner like every human, slips up at times. He gets to a point where he just says let him cry it out. I asked him to try get more on board with what we already agreed to and he basically made me feel like a complete fool for even needing to utilise parenting advice books etc.

I just overreacted and got really overwhelmed and upset. Because he forgets that I do need those books that model healthy parenting styles. I had zero example and have zero family support so I rely on these resources as guides. I make sure they're not just crazy ideas, they're peer reviewed and backed up by scientific and psychological evidence.

The point is that I just never feel like I'm doing anything right as a mother. And because of that I try extra hard at times.

But tonight I was so triggered by it all, that I end up dissociating right back into that child, and become super hostile and defensive toward my partner. I hate that I do this. I literally feel crazy and out of control. So much for trying to parent well when I can barely manage myself or that child part that takes over.

 

[scout86]

I'm actually curious about the parenting approach....
Good for you for making the effort! I wish your partner did a better job of appreciating your efforts.

 

[trying2movefwd]

It's great to know that I am not alone in parenting "in the dark so to speak ".... I find books helpful too. I also relate to dissociating into child parts, its not something just anyone can understand. It takes time (at least for me) to come back to present once I have disconnected that much. We will learn. Good job to you, stepping up to be an involved and informed Mother who cares so much for her child. If everyone would do this PTSD might become extinct ;)

 

[Killashandra]

Sounds to me that you were just at breaking point with your partners rejection to your efforts. That's fair enough. It's difficult to manage all those emotions and responsibilities at the same time.

Don't be too hard on yourself for melting down. It happens. As hard as it is. I do hope your partner is understanding of that and has not taken y9ur meltdown to heart too much.

I applaud you for your decision to make your child's life easier I understand that completely.

 

[GWhizz]

I'm actually curious about the parenting approach....
Good for you for making the effort! I wish your...

http://m.drdansiegel.com/books/the_whole_brain_child/praise/

 

[GWhizz]

It's great to know that I am not alone in parenting "in the dark so to speak ".... I find books...

Thanks for this. Not saying it's good that you experience this type of dissociation either but it helps to know it's relevant to what we're going through as part of this. It's odd because it only got so overwhelming once I had children of my own. Seeing their vulnerability and blind trust can be so triggering. It's very conflicting. Sometimes I feel they're the best thing that happened to me. They also forced me to face my PTSD. Other times I regret having kids. I wish I'd dealt with my past a bit before I had them. But I know having kids will bring up things and throw all sorts of curved balls no matter how much work you've done beforehand to treat your PTSD. Just sucks as sometimes I feel as though I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. But yea, my partner just can't truly empathise but also because I leave him in the dark about so much. He just doesn't see the big deal.

 

[GWhizz]

Sounds to me that you were just at breaking point with your partners rejection to your efforts. Th...

I know I have a harsh inner critic. Thank you. It just adds more guilt and shame everytime it happens though :unsure:

 

[scout86]

Thanks @GWhizz! My T has mentioned "reparenting" so I thought maybe I could use some parenting advice.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @GWhizz! My T has mentioned "reparenting" so I thought maybe I could use some...

It's really relevant actually. I don't know if you've done dbt but it's kinda similar to the wise mind idea. My T always explains in detail how the brain is affected by childhood and ptsd. That our lower primitive parts are primed even when they don't need to take action (hypervigilance) and how we don't integrate emotion (hot headed reactions etc) with calm logic. I find it fascinating but it's also great to make sense of ourselves and why we react (or in my case over react) with fight or flight etc. Makes me feel less cray-cray!!

 

[scout86]

If I've done dbt, my T hasn't used that term (he doesn't always label stuff), but what you said sounds a lot like a lot of what he keeps saying. He started out studying biochemistry and is big on the science aspect of things. I'm hoping I can get the book through my local library!

 

[GWhizz]

If I've done dbt, my T hasn't used that term (he doesn't always label stuff), but what you said sounds...

Hope you can get it. My T gives me the worksheets/handouts from the dbt book and the mindfulness part brings in the wise mind idea.

 

[Anarchy]

Something that came up with my T last week, that might be relevant.

Mine comes at it from a transactional analysis point of view (we all have three parts, child, adult and parent)

It came up that I appear to have been taught and now naturally assume that I'm not good enough, that I'm the one who's wrong

and she said that that is coming from my child part.
_____________________________________________

I'm perhaps taking things too far, and she's away on holiday this week so I haven't been able to check

But what I think it implies, is that when there's the trigger of me being wrong or in trouble, that my child part comes to the fore and I go "little".

:hug:
@