D
Deleted member 47099
So I don't have a brain at the moment, so I dunno if I can express this so it makes any sense :bag:
For those who don't know me, I had major childhood trauma, did 20 years of trauma therapy and am now just doing maintenance sessions, to check in and stay grounded.
So I'm not really dealing with the core trauma issues anymore... although they do pop by occasionally so say "Hi Sophy, how you doing?" So it's not like they've disappeared completely, but they're mostly gone.
What I struggle with these days is mostly general life stuff... Things that most ppl struggle with... Tho I do still notice how trauma affects those things too.
So I wrote a reply earlier in someone's diary about work/ career stuff... And that's something I'm currently thinking about a lot in my own life too.
And it's making me think about "success" and "failure" and about how those impact me/ how I feel about them.
I think most people, when they experience a success, feel happy, elated, proud of themselves... Successes make you feel strong.
And experiencing "failures" or painful setbacks... Well, that kind of has the opposite effect... Makes you feel miserable, makes you question and doubt yourself, makes you feel downbeat... Failure makes you feel weak.
So, I think to some degree that's "normal"... Or at least "average".
Most ppl I know struggle with that stuff.
There's a few super-enlightened individuals... or some really happy go lucky people who don't seem so affected by success/ failure... But most ppl I know do feel that stuff quite acutely.
With a trauma and PTSD background, I think I have those normal responses, but with an extra edge to them... When I experience failures or setbacks, my brain is conditioned to go down spirals into trauma territory pretty quickly.
So a failure or setback can lead to panic attacks, dysregulation, catastrophising, feeling suicidal quite quickly... in a way that's not really proportionate to the cause.
So I'm trying to work out why/ how success vs failure affects me so strongly?
Obviously, with childhood trauma, I didn't get to establish a solid, unshakeable sense of self-esteem and trust that life will turn out okay.
In the context of abuse, being "rewarded" when you achieve success and being punished or demeaned when you "fail"... that gives success and failure quite a lot of potency that they otherwise wouldn't have.
I think I also have a narrative in my head that if I am successful at life stuff, then it "proves" that I didn't deserve abuse and trauma in childhood. (Great logic :meh: )
The problematic converse narrative in my head is that whenever I fail at something, it's "proof" that I did deserve abuse and trauma in childhood.
So those 2 narratives are a very problematic thing.
They spur me on to achieve success, but they are pretty toxic when success is not to be had.
And somehow, connected to this issue there is also the issue of "judgement".
Why does judgement bother me THAT much? Why am I so sensitive to it?
Again, in the context of childhood trauma and abuse, it's hardly surprising. Makes perfect sense.
But I want to get at the "why" so that I can shift the dynamic.
Why does someone judging that I am "bad" somehow make me feel like I *am* bad?
Why is that such a one-to-one connection in my brain?
I guess growing up in an abusive and traumatic situation, I never learned in childhood that someone else's judgement is "just their judgement".
Growing up subjected to a perp, you KNEW that their judgement mattered... and that their judgment was for all intents and purposes "reality" cos there was nothing you could do about it.
Those things - the success/failure narrative and the judgement narrative... They are so subtle these days... A lot of the time I hardly notice it's happening.
But they drive my life in a quite substantial way.
Always striving for success (whether I want to or not) always instinctively trying to prevent failure (cos it's scary) and always trying to avoid judgement (cos that starts off a whole jumble of stuff in my head).
Whenever I notice that patterns from childhood trauma are steering my behaviour, I get sooooooooo resentful. I'm a thousand times too stubborn to accept that trauma is choosing my behaviour, not me. :shifty:
I really want to break out of (break free from) these success/failure and judgement narratives.
For those who don't know me, I had major childhood trauma, did 20 years of trauma therapy and am now just doing maintenance sessions, to check in and stay grounded.
So I'm not really dealing with the core trauma issues anymore... although they do pop by occasionally so say "Hi Sophy, how you doing?" So it's not like they've disappeared completely, but they're mostly gone.
What I struggle with these days is mostly general life stuff... Things that most ppl struggle with... Tho I do still notice how trauma affects those things too.
So I wrote a reply earlier in someone's diary about work/ career stuff... And that's something I'm currently thinking about a lot in my own life too.
And it's making me think about "success" and "failure" and about how those impact me/ how I feel about them.
I think most people, when they experience a success, feel happy, elated, proud of themselves... Successes make you feel strong.
And experiencing "failures" or painful setbacks... Well, that kind of has the opposite effect... Makes you feel miserable, makes you question and doubt yourself, makes you feel downbeat... Failure makes you feel weak.
So, I think to some degree that's "normal"... Or at least "average".
Most ppl I know struggle with that stuff.
There's a few super-enlightened individuals... or some really happy go lucky people who don't seem so affected by success/ failure... But most ppl I know do feel that stuff quite acutely.
With a trauma and PTSD background, I think I have those normal responses, but with an extra edge to them... When I experience failures or setbacks, my brain is conditioned to go down spirals into trauma territory pretty quickly.
So a failure or setback can lead to panic attacks, dysregulation, catastrophising, feeling suicidal quite quickly... in a way that's not really proportionate to the cause.
So I'm trying to work out why/ how success vs failure affects me so strongly?
Obviously, with childhood trauma, I didn't get to establish a solid, unshakeable sense of self-esteem and trust that life will turn out okay.
In the context of abuse, being "rewarded" when you achieve success and being punished or demeaned when you "fail"... that gives success and failure quite a lot of potency that they otherwise wouldn't have.
I think I also have a narrative in my head that if I am successful at life stuff, then it "proves" that I didn't deserve abuse and trauma in childhood. (Great logic :meh: )
The problematic converse narrative in my head is that whenever I fail at something, it's "proof" that I did deserve abuse and trauma in childhood.
So those 2 narratives are a very problematic thing.
They spur me on to achieve success, but they are pretty toxic when success is not to be had.
And somehow, connected to this issue there is also the issue of "judgement".
Why does judgement bother me THAT much? Why am I so sensitive to it?
Again, in the context of childhood trauma and abuse, it's hardly surprising. Makes perfect sense.
But I want to get at the "why" so that I can shift the dynamic.
Why does someone judging that I am "bad" somehow make me feel like I *am* bad?
Why is that such a one-to-one connection in my brain?
I guess growing up in an abusive and traumatic situation, I never learned in childhood that someone else's judgement is "just their judgement".
Growing up subjected to a perp, you KNEW that their judgement mattered... and that their judgment was for all intents and purposes "reality" cos there was nothing you could do about it.
Those things - the success/failure narrative and the judgement narrative... They are so subtle these days... A lot of the time I hardly notice it's happening.
But they drive my life in a quite substantial way.
Always striving for success (whether I want to or not) always instinctively trying to prevent failure (cos it's scary) and always trying to avoid judgement (cos that starts off a whole jumble of stuff in my head).
Whenever I notice that patterns from childhood trauma are steering my behaviour, I get sooooooooo resentful. I'm a thousand times too stubborn to accept that trauma is choosing my behaviour, not me. :shifty:
I really want to break out of (break free from) these success/failure and judgement narratives.
