Sudden Bursts Of Insight

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

Their language shows that bone-honest, straight-up attitude, too -- and, most of the time (at least in my experience with them) in non-combative ways. That's such a relief for me when words that simply described basic biological functions were NOT (sometimes still aren't) condoned in my family (at least on my father's side).

Luckily in my department and at meetings half of us cuss bilingually (not excessively but certainly when the context require a loosening of the valve). The other half don't seem disconcerted about the occassional expletive. We all give all sorts of language(s) their due.;)

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

children don't judge and they are not fake

I love how kids are not fake also.

I'm so glad you all used that word: fake. It helped me figure out something today... Pretentiousness-sham-fake-two-faced-charlatan, etc.

Ok, for years now I've been trying to correct a behavior that I despise in myself, a behavior that makes me scream at myself, You're SUCH-A-F£@%ing LOSEr. (I did it today -- ugh.)

On those days when the fatigue and sedentariness are colossal obstacles, sometimes the depression that goes with it convinces me to call in sick or let my class go early.... If I don't have energy, I can't give a total 100% performance. If I don't have energy, a lesson might be lackluster. If I go into class with less than 100%, than I'm not me -- therefore, a fake, a sham of a teacher. I'd rather not let the show go on than be a crappy performer. It's that feeling of getting away with something...if only they knew what a sham of an instructor I am. Sham = secret -- I'm sure that's the molestation connection haunting the logical illogic.

And there's nothing that chaps my hide (Texan or Southwestern expression, I assume) than insincerity or artificiality.

I've got to get over this, though. My boyfriend is a retired teacher, and he's told me, "Just your mere presence is helpful. So what if you're not at your best.... You'll be your 'be.'"

At least I now know what a big part of the emotional baggage looks like. I have you all to thank for that.

 

[JustBe]

Sometimes it's OK to just be. Today I am trying to just enjoy being without trying to fix me.

 

[Britt.f7]

If I go into class with less than 100%, than I'm not me -- therefore, a fake, a sham of a teacher. I'd rather not let the show go on than be a crappy performer. It's that feeling of getting away with something...if only they knew what a sham of an instructor I am. Sham = secret

Sweet Pea, you are not a fake, sham of a teacher. Though you are not giving them 100% of you, you are still giving a part of you. It's just the tired you. Sometimes we have to put on a smile even when we are in no mood to smile. We do it for others, at times, not to fool others, but so they do not have to feel what we truly feel. Your boyfriend is right, it is still a part of you. You are still giving to the classroom. I'm sure you can see when your students are feeling a little lackluster. You can't always help it and it is okay.

A little story. When my boys were young, real young, on days when my health was really bad, they would want me to pick them up or throw a ball, or something that was particularly difficult on that day. My husband would try to swish them away, because he was worried about me. I, instead, would say it was okay. I would muster up whatever strength I had, and give it to them. I never felt that I was a sham or fake. It was my way of protecting them, of loving them. I was more concerned about them then I was myself. That wasn't fake.

In a way, that is what you are doing for your students. Those days you mustered up enough energy to go in there and teach, you were showing that you cared. You were still giving a part of yourself, however small you thought it was. And that is definitely not fake.

 

[Martin Taylor]

I grew up in an alcoholic, sometimes violent household. Watching movies with an alcoholic related theme caused me falshbacks and tensions and etc. Yesterday I watched (I won't tell you which one cause I don't want to spoil it) , which is full of triggers. At first I was triggered some, and then I just sat in the theater and quietly cried during the rest of the move. I didn't cry because I was having a flashback, but because I saw just how dysfunctional it was. I saw the manipulations, damage, alienations, etc that were my life as a child. And instead of fighting it or getting all stressed as if I was still there, I grieved. So here is the blinding flash of the obvious: after a year and half EMDR and taking little steps, I really am starting to get better.

Nice thread. Good news is hard to find.

 

[Tanishq]

Today I am trying to just enjoy being without trying to fix me.

Thank you Movin'On for this. I always keep thinking that I need to fix myself to do something.

 

[saffy]

Anyone else have one of those "aha" moments?

OH yes! I love that 'light just gone on' feeling. I have also found this forum very inspiring with all this imput and discussion with people who do actually understand.

When it comes it feels like such a relief, like everything suddenly makes much more sense so I can stop trying to work it out which can cause torment. I can use this new insight to improve on things myself.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[JustBe]

Apparently I tried on different roles as a child...The Mascot, the Lost Child, and finally The Rebel.

Things are falling into place as I listen to the Iceberg slideshow/Lecture.
Dead Link Removed

 

[Traumagirl]

I never thought about it as trying on different roles. I definitely was the lost child and the rebel too.

 

[JustBe]

I don't have to"fix" me today.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm with you. I learn something new everyday. However, I'm concerned how much more I'm going to have to learn. It's getting kind of old (six years).

 

[JustBe]

Hang in there. Apparently I have been dealing with PTSD since childhood even though I've only been in Therapy since September.