Suddenly Lonely

[Justmehere]

After beginning to processes childhood trauma related to family, I'm suddenly so lonely I'm crying and in an exhausting panic on and off all day the last few days. I finally started to talk to my therapist about it yesterday. I started to get so chocked up with tears, I couldn't even talk. She told me to hang on through it, it will get better - both processing the trauma, and my ability to not runaway from relationships so that someday I can have a family of my own.

Right now, I'm just bewildered and crushed with grief and loneliness I have pushed away for a long time. I have decent friends, who want to be closer to me than I can handle - but they really respect my boundaries. I'm so thankful for them. But my therapist understood friends are not like a partner, not like a family. Nothing has really changed other than beginning to process family trauma and suddenly, I feel so alone. Maybe it's been there all along, it's just surfacing now.

Anyone else deal with anything like this? I'm not used to it.

It feels so physical, like I'm being stabbed in the chest. I want a family more than I want to breathe right now. It's so strange to me. No worries, I'm not about to go jump into a relationship my therapist and I talked about how I shut down so fast in dating relationships I won't even start a new one right now because I care too much to hurt anyone that way and abandon them. She suggests maybe it's ok to tell someone up front I need space at times and shut down at times, and still go for it if they are ok with that for now. I can't, not yet - I want to. I just can't, and yet I feel so alone it's like I'm being crushed. Argh. I hate PTSD.

 

[BigBear]

It really does get better!

Bear

 

[scout86]

No real words of wisdom. Sorry!

Maybe along the lines of "it gets better", I don't actually "get" the whole "family" thing. (My problem, or loss, depending on how you look at it.) Seeing it from the outside, I can appreciate that it's a big deal, even if it's something I don't understand, and can't relate to. But, good friends CAN be a pretty good substitute, I think. Better yet, you get to pick them and they get to pick you. You never have to think that they're stuck with you merely by an accident of birth. It's a free choice. Not really a bad thing at all!

I THINK that what you're experiencing is "getting used to the idea", after reassessing your situation and coming to a better understanding of "reality". I think it will get better/easier as time goes on.

I hate PTSD.

Me too!

 

[Little Flower]

I totally relate to ur feelings. U want to be close but u feel eventually PTSD will drive people away. Amazingly I met a man who has the patience to deal with my grief. I seem to test him all the time but always reacts with kindness. I never dreamed anyone would appreciate my feelings and ask what can I do to help. I still rage in my head my mind keeps telling me. He's gonna get tired of this crap Keep hope. U never know when love will find u

 

[joeylittle]

Right now, I'm just bewildered and crushed with grief and loneliness I have pushed away for a long time. I have decent friends, who want to be closer to me than I can handle - but they really respect my boundaries. I'm so thankful for them. But my therapist understood friends are not like a partner, not like a family.

I could have written this. It started I think maybe a month ago, and it's still very raw for me. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I just wanted to say you aren't alone. I don't have connections to my bio-family. I was with someone for 10 years, but it wasn't a good relationship. I wish life would give me a real chance at building a home with someone, but I don't think that it will, at this point. So, I understand.

 

[sun seeker]

I want a family more than I want to breathe right now.

Yup. Me too.

I haven't come out of this intense longing so have no words of consolation except to reiterate that you're not alone in feeling this way. I'm sorry it's so painful for you.

 

[Whirlwind]

I want a family more than I want to breathe right now

Count me in, I can't offer anything other than understanding. I have a partner now late in life so it can happen but I gave up a family of my own along the way, never knew grandparents, uncles, cousins all of that. I've been on my own since late teens.

I'm sorry for your pain right now.