To be honest it fluctuates, but I'm never a sufferer (really don't like the word) or a failure.
I guess I always identify with the survivor side, but it has different meanings:
What fluctuates the most if whether I've actually survived, something about being a survivor seems to imply that "it" is over, which for me it isn't. To some extent I identify as someone "managing or living with an illness/medical condition, etc."
Sometimes I think of it as just a general character description - I am the sort of person who survives, therefore, I'm a survivor. In this context it's a word that makes me feel strong.
Other times, I think hey, I'm still here, I'm thriving at least some of the time. I don't see myself as a victim, I like who I am and I've got a lot of good in my life. I have survived this!
It's weird though, there are several giving back things I want to do, that I'm putting off until I'm 'better' which fits more with the first impression- I haven't survived this yet.... Although I am MUCH MUCH improved, I'm not all the way there yet. But things are so much better than they were, which brings me joy, and going through this has also enabled me to learn to be on the receiving end of care and to realise how fortunate I am in terms of the people in my life, and the people in the healthcare system who have helped me beyond my expectations. I am really grateful, some days overwhelmingly so. And I now definitely now that Tom Cruise and I ARE NOT on the same page with regards to psychiatry.... (should I happen to run into him I'll let him know).
