Sufferers, Are Any Of You Unable To Have A Lover Stay Over?

[Badger]

Winter has this thing called dissociative amnesia, where when he gets really stressed out, he remembers nothing of what happens. The first time I was at his house late, we fooled around and he basically told me I had to leave right after this all happened. What a mind f#%k! Lol. It wasn't til later I found out he is triggered by falling asleep around people. He didnt remember grabbing all my stuff and shoving it at me and asking me to leave!!! We both spent the next day bawling our eyes out because we were each afraid we irretrievably damaged the friendship. I had to walk him through everything that happened by showing him where we were in his apartment etc. Now we have an understanding...he can throw me out and its ok.

What do you think would help him get to the point where I can stay over?(he wants this)

 

[Seasounds]

What a painful situation, that pulls at the heart! It is good that you love each orher and that you can talk together.

Truthfully speaking, from my experience, he is the one who needs to initiate and work on his issues. Otherwise, more trauma will occur, due to the expectation for him, to be different than he is.

Even though people with PTSD grown up, have adult bodies, and have sexual needs, it doesn't necessarily mean they are able to have long-term and co-habitating relationships. In fact, from what I know, the opposite is more common.

Compassionately, would you consider taking care of yourself as a good focus, while he is on his own healing journey? You can inspire one another, and let each other make their own, respective choices.

Thank you for your question. You brought up a question that is not frequently discussed. It is helpful to know that I am amongst company.

 

[DMerish]

Hmmm, that's a tough one, Badger. It sounds like something I'd do. No, wait - I've done it more than a couple of times.

Can you let him stay at your place? With the understanding it's an open invitation to stay or go when/if he feels he needs to go? I think that might allow him to feel more trust that either way it works out it's okay - no judgment from you. Later, after that trust is established, maybe plan a long night of watching movies - stay up real late / don't fool around - and maybe you fall asleep in his arms cuddled on the sofa together . . . if you, or both of you wake up, take the initiate to leave . . . I think maybe going about this slowly might help him get to the point where he realizes it's okay for you to stay and he'll ask you to do so. IDK :confused:

 

[Badger]

For now we have an agreement that we wont even attempt this or sex until after Halloween. I think it's likely the sex will come before the sleepover. He was physically attacked in his sleep. I think I might initiate putting the sleepover off til thanksgiving because we can do it at my house then ( kids are visiting relatives with dad) Then we can do something like you thought of, Dmerish. It might be easier at my house because its not his space, plus I have 2 huge dogs that love him, he says they make him feel safe.

 

[digger]

Is he ok with you sleeping in the house in a different room? Could be a starting point maybe?

 

[Seasounds]

That is a good idea, gives options.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm confused. Am I going nuts or didn't you post this issue about a week ago? Did you not like those responses?

I'll say it again... You can't rush things. YOU can't do much to help him. He needs professional help. You want to fix something in a week? It's not going to happen.

We want a lot of things but that doesn't mean we can have them now. We need to go through the steps of healing in order to get there. He is nowhere near ready for a sleepover.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Solara, please watch your tone.

Your comments are directed at the poster as a person, instead of being directed at what this thread was started for, which is input on the situation. If you don't care to respond to someone working through an issue, don't. But please refrain from patronizing or judging sufferers.

There is a difference between sharing your opinion and berating others. This is right at the line.

 

[DMerish]

Badger,

I wonder if it's necessary to put a goal date on this . . . i.e. Halloween or Thanksgiving. I wonder if just pulling back from the pressure "to do" might help . . . I don't know . . . It just seems to me that these types of things evolve on their own naturally between couples: sometimes sooner, sometimes later. I think if you're open and flexible, without expectation, letting him lead (when he feels ready) it might go a long way.

Our minds are progamed to find fixes to "problems" - but maybe this isn't a problem. Maybe you can both just look at the current situation as an evolutionary element as part of your relationship, ie. no biggie. I don't know . . .

 

[Badger]

Dmerish- I think you might misunderstand what the intent was there, it was to say NOT before Halloween/Thanksgiving not to say "you have to do this on this date." ICK! Both of us came up with this together to take the pressure OFF. To concentrate on other things rather then the physical. Develop a friendship. The physical has a tendency to just happen because their is chemistry there, the hard thing for both of us is sticking to our goal of waiting- for both of our sakes

Solara, last time, even though you gave your opinion anyway, the thread was in the supporters section. Now its in the sufferers section. things have happened since, and the question is phrased differently because I would like their opinions. Also you don't know him, so I dont really have any idea how you know what he is ready for and what he's not. He's on meds, under a psychiatrists supervision and sees a therapist. Hes got the medical help he needs, relax.

 

[DMerish]

I didn't misunderstand. I undeerstand the intent. I was simply suggesting to let go of any reference to it happening or not happening - yea, deepen/develop your friendship and just have fun. :hug:

 

[Spiderallis]

Sounds like you've talked it out and come up with a good plan. Congrats on having awesome communication! I like the 'not before' time frames, great idea. The place will probably be a big factor in his comfort levels, glad that's part of the considerations.

Overnight company can be especially tricky if sleeping was part anything traumatic. Sleep problems are a fairly common thing with PTSD, no matter what the trauma was. It helped me to explain possible 'worst case scenario' things to my sweetie before they came up. There's a few things that would trigger me about sleeping, and he knew ahead of time that I might wake up panicked and screaming. It's pretty important to go over those things ahead of time, in the moment it's nearly impossible to say what's going on and how to help. I like digger1's suggestion of different rooms- gradually working toward sleeping in the same room, then maybe in the bed together?