General Any Of You Carers Have Your Own Emotional Issues?

[Angus McGee]

"Kimmi" was my pet name for my wife. In fact, when she first had her PTSD relapse, she told me "Stop calling me 'Kimmi'. I've never liked that." Since, she's just been Kim.

By all means, speak to your therapist about it, don't just take my word for it.

Thank you for your point-of-view.

I wish my Kim was able to express herself like you can.

 

[Kim]

The funny thing is that until I was diagnosed I was afraid to express how it is to have PTSD. Face it how many people can relate to having so much "noise" in their heads or the voice of their mother repeating all the nasty things she used to say when you were a kid? I thought people would think I was crazy so I kept it to myself. Then I found this forum after my diagnosis and discovered that I'm not crazy or the only one with a head full of noise and voices of the past. For the first time in 52 years I feel free to explain what it's like for me. I've had a lot of time to think about it.

 

[Angus McGee]

I don't think she's at your point yet. She knows, and readily admits she has PTSD. She just says that she has a million things going on right now, or she can't think about that, or she has enough problems just making it through the day, or even moment by moment.

She really needs help. Other than a marriage counsellor we saw back in February when we didn't know what was going on, she hasn't seen anyone. She does have an appointment on the 25th, I'm very curious how that will work for her.

 

[Kim]

I wish you both the best of luck. It isn't easy. Like I said before she's lucky to have you.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks, Kim.

Just doing my best. Sometimes, it feels that it is not good enough.

 

[BigBear]

Angus,

I don't know if I'm reading more into your title than I should. I get the feeling that you are almost sanctioning yourself for being disturbed by your wife's behavior.

It's seems like its the nature of PTSD to tear at relationships in potentially unhealthy ways. You can kind of tell this because it is treated as a disease to be overcome, by most of the knowledgeable world (Ignore those who can't spell PTSD). It's good for you to be unhappy about it. To cry about it! To Fight it.

If I'm off base, just ignore me.

Bear

 

[Angus McGee]

I'm so sick of the tears. I do hate it. It does make me angry. I'd love to fight it, but I'm completely powerless to. It's not my fight. It's hers.

If I tell her that I want to help her, it hurts her. If I tell her I want to be there for her, she thanks me like I just passed her the salt, not like I'm telling her something very deep, profound and heartfelt. If I tell her I'd trade places with her to ease her pain, she doesn't say anything at all. If I sacrifice myself, my time, and my effort to help her move stuff into a place kills me to see her in, again I get a thank you like I just passed the salt.

Every time I'm over at her apartment, I hope someone stops me on the sidewalk and shoots me. That would be less painful. (Don't read anything into that line, folks. I'm just making a point)Because my words hurt her, I hope that my actions help. I was the one that helped her move. I was the one that changed my plans to help her pick up new furniture in an apartment I hate the fact that she has.

Will I EVER get my wife back? I know what God's will is for me, and my family. It is just so incredibly frustrating to know His will, and be completely powerless to enact it!!

If I hear one more person tell me "It's not about you", I think I'm going to snap. Yes, it's not about me. But the thought that I'm not affected by the situation that isn't about me is naive and flat out false.

It is very hard to love someone who, at least for the moment, is unlovable. By that, I mean she is unable to receive, accept, or even acknowledge my love. Her actions, on the surface tell me that not only does she not love me any more, but I repulse her. How in the world do I just shrug my shoulders and continue on like nothing is wrong? It can't be done. We will, most definitely be needing some serious marriage counselling once her EMDR takes effect, which hasn't even started yet, much less had any impact, or even shown that it will work.

Ladies and gentlemen, my life.

 

[May1321]

I'm an emotional roller coaster. Not very good at finding a good balance. Today I'm hurt and furious and yet I think I've done most of it to myself. I guess just having too high of expectations. I just want to feel free of worry.

I, like you, Angus get into this "leave it/fed up" attitude. Your situation is a little more involved but it still sucks... my heart still hurts... and I think I try to overcompensate to some how win approval when I really shouldn't have to. It just builds me up for failure.

Frustrating. Big hugs to you. I hope it gets a little easier on your soul to maneuver.

 

[Angus McGee]

This morning, I dropped our son off at her apartment. I felt absolutely no emotion at all. None good, none bad. I don't know how long this will last, but as it is right now, I'm in full "single parent" mode.

I've forgotten what it's like to be in a relationship, even though my wedding ring is still on my finger.

 

[Kimmikins]

Hey Angus! I just wanted to see how you were doing today. I have taken a break from the forum this week to sort of escape this disease for a little while. :)

I just read your last post and I have to say, I totally understand. "Normal" isn't our normal, is it. I can't remember, either, what it is like to be in a relationship. I woke up this morning and I was so sad and agitated. I wanted to wake up and find my loved one next to me. I wanted to go out to the kitchen and have breakfast and coffee together and plan our Sunday. Instead, I made some toast, watched some TV, and then called him in the hospital, thinking that would make it better. NOPE! Worse....

You are right, too, about the "It's not about you" junk. I can't tell you how many times this week I have had to stop myself from discounting how I am feeling for fear of someone saying, "It's not about you." I am able to let my loved one's stinging words roll off my back while he is slinging them, but when the day ends and I am sitting here trying to keep going on with life, they all come back and hurt like hell! Yeah...the disease isn't about me, but you can be sure that it is certainly impacting the way I live my life, so...YEAH, right now, it is all about me! AND-right now, Angus, you need to own your pain, too. Basically, I am saying, yell it from the rooftops....IT IS ABOUT YOU!!!!! And that is ok, because if you aren't letting yourself feel what you need to feel, you won't be any help to Kim or your children.

Sending you a giant hug!
Kimmikins

 

[Angus McGee]

I'm sitting here in tears. Sobbing to myself, listening to the voices in my head telling me that she moved out because of me, that she Is happy in her own place, and that she will never want to move back regardless of how much I want her to, or try to continue to support her. The voices are telling me that me supporting her is doing nothing but prolonging my naïveté in thinking we will ever be a family again.

The voices are telling me I need to hurry up, file for divorce, and be done with her.

I am so incredibly lonely. Figuratively and literally. Am I deluding myself, and prolonging my own pain in a futile attempt to win her back?

Will this ever end?

She starts her therapy two weeks from tomorrow. We will know more then.

Instead of getting easier, this is getting harder.

 

[valdoodle]

Can I join in (again) I haven't been on the forum for a few weeks as I have been trying so hard to deal with just getting on with life. I thought it would help. I was wrong. I am not ready to leave and need your support.

Tonight the loneliness and frustration of my beloved partner who left to mend his PTSD has hit me like a brick. Again I have come home from a long shift at work to an empty house, no lights on, no 'him'. I have been ok sometimes but I think it is when he doesn't make contact, I get tired or have had a stressful day it all piles on.

It has been almost 4 months since he left (after 14 years together) and he suffers his demons and frustrations alone in his own flat. I wonder how that is for him. I know he struggles because I can see it in his staring eyes. It breaks me to see him look like that. There is no help for him where we live. (N.W. U.K.) Just a token visit to a Psychiatrist once every 6 weeks or so. Combat Stress are full with the latest victims of the Afgan war etc.

Tonight I come home and notice he has been round to see our cat. The biscuit jar lid is off. No other sign. But this is a comfort to know he has been here and is, hopefully, alright. How little it takes to give comfort to the partner of a PTSD sufferer!!

I am sad to read that I am not alone in missing my loved one. My heart goes out to you all. I cried a river of tears in the early days after he left. Now there are no tears left because if I cry it will hurt too much. I try to feel nothing -numb, except the persistant deep sadness at what we have both lost. I hate the war that did this to him. I hate the governments that create the wars and the people who make profits from selling weapons. It is all so unfair. Madness.

I wish I could but I can't change the world. Just my world. All I can do is look after myself and stay strong and healthy, go to work, get plenty rest and try to stay rational. I believe, apart from being there for him as a supporter, this is all I can give him at the moment.

Does this sound right to you? Can I do more to find help? I have written to our GP, Combat Stress and the Psychiatrist. I desperately want to do the right thing. He deserves that after all he has been through. :notworthy:

Can I send out a (((hug))) because I miss hugs a lot. :x3: