Sufferers, how do you like to be welcomed back after a period of isolation?

[Litha]

My sweetie experienced several abuse growing up and suffers from PTSD and dissociation. When we have a disagreement and I speak with a firm tone, she "checks out" and drops all contact with me for about two weeks. It's happened before and used to really upset me, but once I read more about her symptoms, read posts here about isolating, and listened to her explain that it's not stonewalling (i.e, she's not doing it to hurt me), but her way to recover/bounce back, I started relaxing about it. While she's gone, I feel hurt and scared, but I've learned that I have my own PTSD from my borderline mom and during this last period of isolation, I've been working on my own healing). While she's been gone, she has sent me a heart emoji every couple of days, which is something the couples therapist suggested she do while she's gone just to keep contact, but at a level that works for her.

She just started communicating with me again today and I have the little kid part of me that's internally raging against abandonment ("How dare she treat me like this!") vs. the mindful/wise mind part of me that thinks about how that reaction would make her feel and how it might damage our relationship.

Sufferers, how do you like to be welcomed back after a period of isolation post-argument? Casual? Like nothing's happened? Acknowledge and process the argument? I used to apologize all the time, but now I feel like I suffer from "fawn" CPTSD and want to remain clear-eyed and present-moment oriented rather than adopt a "begging/shamed" stance that has its roots in my own upbringing rather than the present, which is simply that my partner sometimes needs to disconnect and it's a reflection of her getting triggered (and me getting triggered) rather than something deep and shameful about myself as a person and as her partner.

Right now I'm leaning towards being upbeat and happy to hear from her, but I don't want that to come across as minimizing our struggles. I welcome hearing about your experiences. Thanks!

 

[Justmehere]

Have you asked her?

I don’t mean to deflect the question, but I appreciate it most when partners communicate with me, during times in which things are going well, about how to navigate the bumps of life with PTSD, including how to reconnect after time apart.

Communication is key.

 

[hithere]

For me, I don't really even want an acknowledgement that I disappeared. Just a "hey," and I want people to act like I never left. I have to say a little something to friends over the years about this, as I will not talk to anyone (but my therapist) about my issues. At some point when you aren't in the thick of it, you may wish to make it a topic of conversation or write a letter that says how you feel when she leaves or disappears and tell her about your own abandonment issues and work something out where she doesn't feel like you are demanding or controlling and you don't feel like you're needs are not held in regard by her.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yep, I vote for casual, don’t make a big deal out of it or she may not return next time.

 

[Anana]

I would validate her feelings, she might be worrying about her return and your reaction as well. But do not forget about yourself, you should also speak up your feelings

 

[Freida]

My supporters usually say "Hi - nice to see you back." then we all move on like nothing happened. easy peasy