I say this very humbly, as I really like
@Hojay and
@shimmerz 's exchange, and agree with
@shimmerz. Having been on both sides of the equation I think I've come to understand boundaries a little differently, or more intimately (just for myself. And it equates more to what I can change in myself-the only person I can change). It is a subtle difference, but here goes (gulp- no offence or criticism inferred).
It was said above, by example:
What to a sufferer is “doing all they can” may be different from what a supporter thinks that would look like. For example, as a supporter I may have the expectation that my sufferer is in therapy. That to me would look like “doing all they can.” To my sufferer, on the other hand, just getting by without help is “doing all he can.
I think that would include an expectation by the 'supporter' (along with love), that 'this' is the way they 'they' should go about seeking healing. It also includes positive thoughts about the efficacy of therapy (which, in reality, may or may not transpire. By analogy thinking eg AA may be the cure for all the ills of a SO's drinking. But possibly, healing the pain at the source of the drinking may also go a long way towards recovery. Or that it is a 'family' illness. And the AA group, conversely, may be great or may be an unhealthy group). But it misses trusting in and affording the sufferer the belief they will have the ability to guage why and what they should choose for their own healing. (With the caveat they recognize and accept the need to own it themself).
Further, it's a judgement or just mind reading to think the sufferer is satisfied with 'doing all they can' and not being where they themselves would rather be. I think what may appear as simply treading water my include Herculean efforts at stabilizing, management and attempts to heal.
And:
if you’re not in therapy I can’t be with you.. in reality is just a healthy boundary on the supporter’s side.
may more aptly be phrased as I need x, x and x, I feel x, x and x would help to achieve that but that is for you to determine, and in it's absence this wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to keep investing in this relationship. Or something similar. What you are looking for, not what they fail to provide.
Because I believe that in general people neither want to suffer nor cause others to suffer. But similarly, if the person you are with is not suitable, or it's not a fulfilling relationship 'as is' (only waiting for it to be one 'when they are better'- changing someone vs who they are, you now know), I think it's looking for an ideal in someone, not really who they are. (Though I say that humbly and with the expectation the sufferer is not abusive or blaming the supporter, or expecting them to tolerate less than loving or respectful behaviour, or call it loving or respectful when it is deleterious).
More encouragement and love (including for yourself), vs less control.
Hope that makes sense? :confused:
