Sufferers - what do you want in a partner?

[Slushie]

Respect, trustworthiness, caring, kind, funny, oh, I have a feeling this could turn out to be a verrrrry long list.. So.. Just someone who possesses the above qualities and is on the same/similar wavelength as myself being psychic would be a bonus, especially if they know what horses to bet on, et cetera :cool:

 

[Ronin]

especially if they know what horses to bet on

:hilarious: Come on, long enough watching the horses, riders, stats, and all, mighta help the trick, but how do you do the rest of that is the real mystery.

 

[Slushie]

:laugh:Heh, good point @Ronin!

 

[Freida]

calm
accepting of my issues
accepts he cant' fix me, but he can be with me while I try to fix myself
Wont fight with me. Ok - this is a double edged sword. He wont fight with me when I'm upset which makes me crazy but is the best thing he can do. Waiting till I calm down and can be rational is hard but....it works
Lets me run away without making me feel guilty
makes me laugh
kindness

 

[JM318]

Doesn't try to fix me.

Interesting... what do you consider fixing and what do you consider supporting?

 

[EveHarrington]

Fixing...

My ex tried to fix me. According to my therapist he was practicing without a license. Yes, he crossed the line into forcing therapeutic techniques on me that he learned online. I am STILL trying to undo the damage from his f*cked up versions of CBT and IFST. My little one won’t come out anymore because she is terrified which creates problems in therapy as my therapist can’t get in touch with her without a meltdown happening.

Don’t do this. Don’t tell us how to heal.

 

[Hojay]

@JM318 I researched and ordered some info and technique books for my sufferer. That already feels like I crossed a line. He was grateful someone cared enough to do that, so I’m deciding it was the right thing to do.

That said, he hasn’t read them, and that’s where I have to let stuff take its course. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the urge to “make” him read them or that I didn’t feel frustrated that he hasn’t applied himself, but I know that’s where supporting turns into fixing, so I won’t. Plus, who am I to say that those books would even help or make a difference? I’m not his therapist. If he’s not far along enough to be able to help himself with the resources he has, I can’t do anything about it. Supporting vs. fixing is a constant dance when someone asks or is open for help. You can do whatever feels right in the moment, but it’s always best not to get attached to the outcome of your support.

Someone on here said something that stuck: don’t help someone more than they are willing to help themselves...or something along those lines. A good rule to live by.

 

[shimmerz]

what do you consider fixing and what do you consider supporting?

Supporting is encouragement.
Fixing requires a fulfillment of expectations on the sufferers part that have been laid out by the fixer.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the urge to “make” him read

This would be fixing. Books are incredibly difficult for many of us to read.

I researched and ordered some info and technique books for my sufferer.

This is support as long as there is not an expectation for sufferer to show their appreciation for the supporters efforts by reading the book if it isn't something they can manage at the time.

 

[Hojay]

@shimmerz yes, my point exactly

 

[shimmerz]

@shimmerz yes, my point exactly

Yes, just confirming here that I wasn't using your post to draw attention to any negative intentions on your part Hojay.

 

[Hojay]

Got it @shimmerz. There’s only one thing I’d like to quickly add about supporting vs fixing and how the latter is intertwined with expectations: it’s normal and healthy for supporters to have expectations as to the health and stability of their sufferers. It’s not about lowering these expectations until there aren’t any left, it’s about the supporter’s consequences when they aren’t met. To try and change and mold the sufferer to meet these expectations is trying to fix them, and that’s damaging to them. Rather than doing that, the healthy consequence would be to end the relationship. That would be the respectful and loving thing to do with someone who is in need of “fixing” in the supporter’s eye.

 

[shimmerz]

Rather than doing that, the healthy consequence would be to end the relationship.

I absolutely agree with this. I have worked my ass off as a sufferer. So the thing is I had MY expectations of myself. They were difficult enough. Someone adding to the pile was not okay. If I am a supporter, the only expectation I would have was that my sufferer was doing all they could to get symptoms under control for the good of the people they love and themselves. If that isn't good enough for the supporter or not leaving them happy in the relationship, then it isn't up to them to change the sufferer's bar (so to speak) but rather to realize that that isn't good enough for them and to walk away. It can be incredibly damaging to a sufferer, being controlled by another's expectations.

I say that as an opinion of mine. Not as a direction for others. They are just my thoughts.