Hi! I wonder if there are others like me here. I had a baby a while ago; everything was going great; we bonded immediately; we were so close we slept together and I nursed her at night, which made us really close. It was a hectic time, but I felt in the clouds, so in love with my baby. At 7 weeks old she got sick with severe reflux and would not sleep for more than 20 minute intervals. I started getting anxious and asked my PCP for Zoloft to help with the anxiety. About 8 hours after taking the Zoloft I wake up with a panic attack (common side effect of Zoloft) and end up being sent to a psych hospital due to a black-box warning reaction to it.
I felt like a prisoner at the psych hospital. I was afraid for my life. The staff did not believe I was having a side effect from the Zoloft, but I was sure since I was nursing my baby and I had researched that the stuff would peak on my blood 8-9 hours after taking it (I was going to avoid nursing at that time). Once the Zoloft wore off, I felt like myself again.... But I was given more SSRIs with similar side effects including hallucinations and eventually the hospital staff acknowledged I was hypersensitive to SSRIs. The staff was also callous and would either ignore you or laugh in your face. The other patients scared me especially when two male patients made sexual propositions to me. I left the hospital on benzos and tryciclics, so nursing my baby was no longer an option...In fact, sorry for the TMI but I had to let my milk dry up while on the hospital...I had to take 6-7 hot showers a day there to dry up and avoid lumps.
After a couple of days back at home, the flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and hyperarousal started. I had to call my mom to come from overseas to help me take care of my babies for a month since my husband was too busy taking care of me. It has been a little over 2 months since this mess started. I am now on benzos for sleep and for anxiety....It's so ironic, since benzos are supposed to be contraindicated for PTSD...now I'm trying to taper off the benzos since I know they can cause dependence...I want to deal with my PTSD without meds. Meds caused my PTSD in the first place, so I am afraid of them and don't think they're beneficial to me.
I feel unlike myself. It's so ironic that I went to ask for the Zoloft in order to better take care of my baby, whom I loved deeply...Now I have to find the energy to rebond with her....It's so hard since I feel emotionally numb so many times. Also, she looks so different since babies change so fast...I feel like I've lost a baby...I want that first baby, the one I left at 7 weeks old...basically, I want to be able to feel the same for this same baby, but it's hard...and the more I force myself to feel that way, the harder it gets. I also feel angry towards my husband for not helping me more when my baby was sick and not helping me get out of that mental hospital earlier. Anger comes out of nowhere and even though I have never acted out on my anger, it scares me...especially since anger is not something I'm used to dealing with.
As a result of this experience, the trauma from my childhood has resurfaced. I suffered a lot of trauma as a child due to having an alcoholic and emotionally/physically abussive father, who was also a sex addict. I always felt fear, panic, about my dad. I felt so helpless, powerless to do anything. I was never good enough to fulfill my dad's expectations even when I graduated from the top engineering university of the world (MIT) with a perfect GPA.
My mother did not make things better for me either. She would confide in me as a child and tell me ALL about my dad's sexual escapades. She would show me pictures of his lovers, she would tell me how he never wanted kids, how he made a lover had an abortion, his favorite sexual positions, etc...these were things I did not need to know as a child...I defended my mother from my father multiple times too...I feel like I was the adult in the mom-child relationship. To counteract all the damage my dad did to me, she would always say "But remember, you are pretty, smart and a good person." She suffered a lot, but she has always managed to minimize my feelings. Even though I am immensely thankful for her help taking care of my kids, I am upset that she thinks that me being at a psych hospital is not a big deal.
Despite of this, I had managed to make a good life for myself. I studied hard and got a good job. I never did drugs nor abused alcohol, so I do not know what it is to feel high or having hallucinations. I married an amazing man, had two daughters and was an excellent mother to them. Was I 100% happy with my life? Not really, but who is? I felt satisfied with my life but always suffered from low self-esteem due to my childhood. In a way, I tie the two traumas since I felt the same way at the psych hospital---I felt totally helpless.
Now I must muster the strength to overcome this more recent trauma, which just started from the single decision of taking Zoloft. Even though my husband is so supportive, I feel like I am alone in this little world inside my mind. At least I am able to feel love for him and my kids sometimes---and that glimmer of hope is what keeps me going. I have done EMDR and it helped immensely until one session made all my fears come out...I am starting an intensive outpatient program for trauma victims next week and I hope that's the key to my healing. I need to break the cycle of abuse that my father started...I need to do this first for myself and second for my husband and my kids.
I have not been able to work since I usually wake up anxious and/or angry, which tends to ruin the day for me. To add to the stress, there will be layoffs where I work...I need to be responsible and show up for work, but I cannot concentrate and get irritated by coworkers really easily. They've been really kind with me even donating sick leave so I can get the treatment I need. They value me since I have always been very responsible and one of the most productive in my department, but I'm afraid I'm going to loose my job sooner or later...
It's all just too much for me to handle...but when I feel like this I remember I had two good happy hours yesterday and that there's hope...
I felt like a prisoner at the psych hospital. I was afraid for my life. The staff did not believe I was having a side effect from the Zoloft, but I was sure since I was nursing my baby and I had researched that the stuff would peak on my blood 8-9 hours after taking it (I was going to avoid nursing at that time). Once the Zoloft wore off, I felt like myself again.... But I was given more SSRIs with similar side effects including hallucinations and eventually the hospital staff acknowledged I was hypersensitive to SSRIs. The staff was also callous and would either ignore you or laugh in your face. The other patients scared me especially when two male patients made sexual propositions to me. I left the hospital on benzos and tryciclics, so nursing my baby was no longer an option...In fact, sorry for the TMI but I had to let my milk dry up while on the hospital...I had to take 6-7 hot showers a day there to dry up and avoid lumps.
After a couple of days back at home, the flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and hyperarousal started. I had to call my mom to come from overseas to help me take care of my babies for a month since my husband was too busy taking care of me. It has been a little over 2 months since this mess started. I am now on benzos for sleep and for anxiety....It's so ironic, since benzos are supposed to be contraindicated for PTSD...now I'm trying to taper off the benzos since I know they can cause dependence...I want to deal with my PTSD without meds. Meds caused my PTSD in the first place, so I am afraid of them and don't think they're beneficial to me.
I feel unlike myself. It's so ironic that I went to ask for the Zoloft in order to better take care of my baby, whom I loved deeply...Now I have to find the energy to rebond with her....It's so hard since I feel emotionally numb so many times. Also, she looks so different since babies change so fast...I feel like I've lost a baby...I want that first baby, the one I left at 7 weeks old...basically, I want to be able to feel the same for this same baby, but it's hard...and the more I force myself to feel that way, the harder it gets. I also feel angry towards my husband for not helping me more when my baby was sick and not helping me get out of that mental hospital earlier. Anger comes out of nowhere and even though I have never acted out on my anger, it scares me...especially since anger is not something I'm used to dealing with.
As a result of this experience, the trauma from my childhood has resurfaced. I suffered a lot of trauma as a child due to having an alcoholic and emotionally/physically abussive father, who was also a sex addict. I always felt fear, panic, about my dad. I felt so helpless, powerless to do anything. I was never good enough to fulfill my dad's expectations even when I graduated from the top engineering university of the world (MIT) with a perfect GPA.
My mother did not make things better for me either. She would confide in me as a child and tell me ALL about my dad's sexual escapades. She would show me pictures of his lovers, she would tell me how he never wanted kids, how he made a lover had an abortion, his favorite sexual positions, etc...these were things I did not need to know as a child...I defended my mother from my father multiple times too...I feel like I was the adult in the mom-child relationship. To counteract all the damage my dad did to me, she would always say "But remember, you are pretty, smart and a good person." She suffered a lot, but she has always managed to minimize my feelings. Even though I am immensely thankful for her help taking care of my kids, I am upset that she thinks that me being at a psych hospital is not a big deal.
Despite of this, I had managed to make a good life for myself. I studied hard and got a good job. I never did drugs nor abused alcohol, so I do not know what it is to feel high or having hallucinations. I married an amazing man, had two daughters and was an excellent mother to them. Was I 100% happy with my life? Not really, but who is? I felt satisfied with my life but always suffered from low self-esteem due to my childhood. In a way, I tie the two traumas since I felt the same way at the psych hospital---I felt totally helpless.
Now I must muster the strength to overcome this more recent trauma, which just started from the single decision of taking Zoloft. Even though my husband is so supportive, I feel like I am alone in this little world inside my mind. At least I am able to feel love for him and my kids sometimes---and that glimmer of hope is what keeps me going. I have done EMDR and it helped immensely until one session made all my fears come out...I am starting an intensive outpatient program for trauma victims next week and I hope that's the key to my healing. I need to break the cycle of abuse that my father started...I need to do this first for myself and second for my husband and my kids.
I have not been able to work since I usually wake up anxious and/or angry, which tends to ruin the day for me. To add to the stress, there will be layoffs where I work...I need to be responsible and show up for work, but I cannot concentrate and get irritated by coworkers really easily. They've been really kind with me even donating sick leave so I can get the treatment I need. They value me since I have always been very responsible and one of the most productive in my department, but I'm afraid I'm going to loose my job sooner or later...
It's all just too much for me to handle...but when I feel like this I remember I had two good happy hours yesterday and that there's hope...
