Suicidal Fantasy Sorta Happened

[Arebas]

I've been dealing with S/I since I was a teenager. I have several fantasies that change with time but one that's been more present lately is jumping in front of traffic. When I am out by a big avenue and see the cars go by I often think of stepping into traffic and let someone hit me. I never really think of doing it cause I always thing the poor driver would get the scare of their life and who am I to do that to anyone? So I just wait and think and play it in my head.

I was hit by a car the other day. I didn't do it on purpose, I think. I was crossing where I shouldn't have and he was driving backwards cause he had missed his exit so we were both doing what we shouldn't have done. It hit me from behind so I wasn't looking so I didn't put myself on its way on purpose but I can't be sure if maybe I was just being careless cause I really didn't mind being hit by a car.

I think this was just an unfortunate accident but I feel so unsafe suddenly. Like I can't truly trust myself cause I don't know what's going on in my mind all the time.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

That sounds rough. While it's not the same, I have had a time when I accidentally ran through a stop light and then I second guessed myself for a while about whether it was really an accident because I was in a really low point at the time. I am still very diligent and it's been months, but I don't trust myself so I pay really close attention now. It doesn't help that I have DID and sometimes I switch when I don't realize it. Anyway, I wanted you to know that you aren't alone in second guessing yourself. It's hard.

 

[Arebas]

And after I posted this I had this feeling like I was being hit again. Heard the noise. I think I've pinched a muscle in my neck cause I jumped. What the f*ck is happening to me now? Can I have a break please!? AAAGGGHHHHAGHHHGGGHH

 

[Arebas]

That sounds rough. While it's not the same, I have had a time when I accidentally ran thr...

I dissociate too. I know I have parts that do things without me knowing sometimes. It was bad some years ago but now it's just mostly writing emails or notes. I don't want to think that maybe one part really is trying to kill me but how can I be sure?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Do you have a way of communicating to parts of yourself or check in to see what you are really feeling? I try journaling with my parts and checking in to see how others are feeling.

I imagine you are feeling the effects of both the physical results of the accident and the emotional ones right now. Do you have ways to keep yourself grounded or relaxing. Those might help as well.