Suicidal Flashbacks

[xena21]

I often fantasise if only I could go back in time and have the child in me take my life, all my problems would be solved. Having flashbacks is like being able to go back in time

I hear you. I used to go back all the time to where I was 12 years old. I still do. I fantasized about killing myself all the time before that and really saw the option at that time. It seemed like a legit thing to do. I hated myself in every way. My life was over as far as I was concerned, and 12 was old. I thought it was ok to do until one point when I saw something on tv that made me think more deeply about suicide. At that point I had put it off.

Now I am 42, and have tried 5 times to kill myself. Believe me, a couple times were just accidents, but the others I made mistakes. I am not telling you its a good thing to try. I am saying that I have been there and have tried many times. I have thought that killing myself would have been better if I got it over with earlier in my life to stop the hurting. Now I know I need to move on and work with what I have in life. Its not my decision when I go. We aren't supposed to make that choice...you know? Really...we don't decide when we are born, and we don't decide when we should die. That's the way I see it now. It helps me look at things overall now. Try to be a little kinder to yourself if you can.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thank you for your reply @xena21.

It helped to post, and it helped to talk to my T about it. I like how I can be brutally honest with my T about those dark feelings and she listens, hears me, but doesn't over-react or get outwardly worried or concerned - although having said that, a couple of weeks ago I was NOT safe during and following our session and she heard me, and helped me get extra support, and made me a hot drink to have in the waiting area while she got on the phone to access more support for me.

I've tried also, some attempts more serious than others. sometimes it's almost been a Devine intervention in terms of my changing my mind (some very weird 'coincidences' that stopped me cold in my tracks or had me change my mind / reach out for help.

Something I got told by someone in the psych system when I was 18 and in a psych ward put me off too. Two things. One woman said how she believed if you took your life, your soul ended up in a dark room with no escape, for eternity :eek:.

The other thing was (and I do believe in reincarnation most of the time) - if I took my life, I'd merely end right back in another life with all the same lessons to learn, and my soul would not be allowed to 'move on' until i learned all those lessons. It might have been i've got to the point of desperation and taken my life a dozen times already, but I will keep coming back to re-live the same old horrors UNTIL I can learn to move through it.