NovemberStar
Platinum Member
I've just finished work, it's 11pm, and been a good day - yet I get home, and am feeling suddenly suicidal. I feel like the suicidal feelings is from a flashback. The suicidal flashbacks I've had since getting home from work have been as brief. All I can 'see' is my mother, and we are in my childhood home. She is on the other side of a room, I can't see which one. I just see her and I have waves of utter hopelessness, and an overriding feeling 'life is not worth living for'. I just want life to END.
I am coming to realize just how much of my childhood I thought life really is NOT worth living, such was the hopelessness, despair and unhappiness. When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I remember one night when I was having a bath, I feels o desperately unhappy and depressed, I wanted to die. I lay back in the bath, and thought 'all I have to do, is stay under the water, hold my breath, and I will die and I will BE FREE'. It was such a huge relief to finally be able to escape. When it didn't work, when I came up for air and realized I could not die, I was so f*cking depressed. I felt so incredibly STUCK. I was not old enough / insightful enough, or have the knowledge to try to kill myself any other way. I didn't know HOW to 'make myself die'.
Tonight's flashbacks have given me the insight that my feeling suicidal, hopeless, and full of despair, was not that one off time - It was the main, underlying feeling my entire early life, up until my mother's sudden death when I was 10. I think after she died, things felt a little lighter - even though she was very abusive, and I sometimes feared she would kill me when she hit me, I loved her with all my heart, and seeing her die (literally), I was still pretty devastated. Yet, 'devastated' and traumatized by her sudden death, was 'better' and 'lighter feeling' the the chronically stuck, hopeless, despair I felt when she was alive.
Even on my best days, for the past 3 and a half years (since the fatal quake hit my city and triggered my PTSD after 12 years without it at all in my life) even on m my best days / weeks / months, I can honestly say I have not thought 'life is worth living'. Last year I had no flashbacks for 6 months, and life was looking up - my mood was good, I was stable for half a year. I enjoyed work, was healthy,and LOVED snowboarding. Yet I'd try the litmus test 'is THIS worth it'? The answer was - and still is - no; I do not think I can tolerate this thing called 'life' for a few more decades. If I got told I have a terminal illness, I swear to God, my first thought would be 'thank God, it will be over soon'. I'd feel so much RELIEF.
Most of the time I try not to think about 'is it worth it'. I stay in this day, in this moment and 'make do'. On a really good day, when I am genuinely happy and feel really really good, it still is not 'enough' if I think 'what if it was like THIS, for the rest of my life - would it be 'worth it' then?" The answer is still always 'no'.
On really good days, I can 'see' as far ahead as my 40th birthday at the end of the year - but not past that. I can't see as far as another Xmas - the thought fills me with 'not another one'. Then, on days like today, I think 'what's the point at all'. But I guess what keeps me here on earth for now is 'well, dead is probably forever, so hanging onto this thing called life for a couple more months is not that long, in the grand scheme of eternity'.
At the heart of it all - the one things I need to ACCEPT in order to have the peace within, my soul NEEDS to carry on? That growing up I did not get, the love, acceptance, protection and safety I needed; there is only one part of life you need it in order to thrive, and I did not get it. Now I am an adult, it is too late. I either accept that I never had, and never ever can have, what my soul desperately needed, or I will spend the rest of my life aching, yearning and needing it anyway. I know in theory, I SHOULD accept that, I SHOULD come to terms with it, and learn to give myself the unconditional love I need; that I can be my own 'best parent'. But I honestly do not know if my soul is capable of accepting that fact. Logically, perhaps, but emotionally, at the core of my very being, I really do not know if it is possible.
I think the only thing keeping me going is that I see my T once a week. I think deep down, my soul is hanging onto the hopeless hope, that somehow, she will be able to give me what it is my soul has needed since I was a child. Logically, I know that is impossible. I wish so much sometimes, that euthanasia was legal and my T would support it for me: in my fantasy, I'd simply go to her office for a therapy session, be given a fatal combo of pills that would slowly let me drift off peacefully to 'sleep', and I'd die in her office curled up on her couch, with her just sitting there, talking to me. Heck, she wouldn't even have to say anthying particularly nice or hold my hand, or even sit closer than the usual feet from me. Just simply being in her office in my safe place, I'd exit this world in so much peace.
Two more days - I see her Friday. If I am feeling this way I will share this with her - as long as I cold be sure it wouldn't completely freak her out though… I wouldn't like her to watch me every time I turned up to her office, checking I hadn't carried out my fantasy suicide plan.
I am coming to realize just how much of my childhood I thought life really is NOT worth living, such was the hopelessness, despair and unhappiness. When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I remember one night when I was having a bath, I feels o desperately unhappy and depressed, I wanted to die. I lay back in the bath, and thought 'all I have to do, is stay under the water, hold my breath, and I will die and I will BE FREE'. It was such a huge relief to finally be able to escape. When it didn't work, when I came up for air and realized I could not die, I was so f*cking depressed. I felt so incredibly STUCK. I was not old enough / insightful enough, or have the knowledge to try to kill myself any other way. I didn't know HOW to 'make myself die'.
Tonight's flashbacks have given me the insight that my feeling suicidal, hopeless, and full of despair, was not that one off time - It was the main, underlying feeling my entire early life, up until my mother's sudden death when I was 10. I think after she died, things felt a little lighter - even though she was very abusive, and I sometimes feared she would kill me when she hit me, I loved her with all my heart, and seeing her die (literally), I was still pretty devastated. Yet, 'devastated' and traumatized by her sudden death, was 'better' and 'lighter feeling' the the chronically stuck, hopeless, despair I felt when she was alive.
Even on my best days, for the past 3 and a half years (since the fatal quake hit my city and triggered my PTSD after 12 years without it at all in my life) even on m my best days / weeks / months, I can honestly say I have not thought 'life is worth living'. Last year I had no flashbacks for 6 months, and life was looking up - my mood was good, I was stable for half a year. I enjoyed work, was healthy,and LOVED snowboarding. Yet I'd try the litmus test 'is THIS worth it'? The answer was - and still is - no; I do not think I can tolerate this thing called 'life' for a few more decades. If I got told I have a terminal illness, I swear to God, my first thought would be 'thank God, it will be over soon'. I'd feel so much RELIEF.
Most of the time I try not to think about 'is it worth it'. I stay in this day, in this moment and 'make do'. On a really good day, when I am genuinely happy and feel really really good, it still is not 'enough' if I think 'what if it was like THIS, for the rest of my life - would it be 'worth it' then?" The answer is still always 'no'.
On really good days, I can 'see' as far ahead as my 40th birthday at the end of the year - but not past that. I can't see as far as another Xmas - the thought fills me with 'not another one'. Then, on days like today, I think 'what's the point at all'. But I guess what keeps me here on earth for now is 'well, dead is probably forever, so hanging onto this thing called life for a couple more months is not that long, in the grand scheme of eternity'.
At the heart of it all - the one things I need to ACCEPT in order to have the peace within, my soul NEEDS to carry on? That growing up I did not get, the love, acceptance, protection and safety I needed; there is only one part of life you need it in order to thrive, and I did not get it. Now I am an adult, it is too late. I either accept that I never had, and never ever can have, what my soul desperately needed, or I will spend the rest of my life aching, yearning and needing it anyway. I know in theory, I SHOULD accept that, I SHOULD come to terms with it, and learn to give myself the unconditional love I need; that I can be my own 'best parent'. But I honestly do not know if my soul is capable of accepting that fact. Logically, perhaps, but emotionally, at the core of my very being, I really do not know if it is possible.
I think the only thing keeping me going is that I see my T once a week. I think deep down, my soul is hanging onto the hopeless hope, that somehow, she will be able to give me what it is my soul has needed since I was a child. Logically, I know that is impossible. I wish so much sometimes, that euthanasia was legal and my T would support it for me: in my fantasy, I'd simply go to her office for a therapy session, be given a fatal combo of pills that would slowly let me drift off peacefully to 'sleep', and I'd die in her office curled up on her couch, with her just sitting there, talking to me. Heck, she wouldn't even have to say anthying particularly nice or hold my hand, or even sit closer than the usual feet from me. Just simply being in her office in my safe place, I'd exit this world in so much peace.
Two more days - I see her Friday. If I am feeling this way I will share this with her - as long as I cold be sure it wouldn't completely freak her out though… I wouldn't like her to watch me every time I turned up to her office, checking I hadn't carried out my fantasy suicide plan.
