Suicidal Ideation

[Hen]

I am new to being open about this. Bar my husband and psych and gp no-one knows about it so it is scary as I am trusting this site.

I am interested to know if others have intrusive thoughts about killing themselves even though they know they would not do it or want to do it? Each week my psych asks about it but it seems rubbish as I daily have thoughts about driving off the road or jumping off buildings but I know I don't want to. There have been times I have had to get a quick lift down to the ground floor as I worry that my brain might take over my sensible side. Do I sound off my trolley or do others have similar thoughts?

Sorry but I am new to this discussing things, but I am hoping talking to others with PTSD will help. Thanks xxx

 

[evergreen]

I haven't had this happen, but I have had something similar happen.

I was very worried over the safety of my daughter when she was born. I had intrusive thoughts and pictures in my brain of things happening to her. I would be carrying her and I would see her fall and crack her head open. Later, I feared something would happen to me and she would be motherless and I started imagining tragedies happening to me.

Then later I read something in a book. The author was saying we cannot realize one concept without realizing the other. He gave the example of holding a baby bird in his hand and realizing how delicate and fragile it was. He then had a flash of himself crushing the bird in his hand. He stated the very last thing he wanted to do was crush the bird, but the image popped into his head. This was his way of saying we realize how delicate the bird is because we see how easily we can crush it. I now think I was realizing the responsibility and the things needed to keep my child safe. To do that my brain was showing things that could happen. Add PTSD on top of that and it was very uncomfortable and sometimes out of control. Could you be realizing how valuable your life really is? Have you been suicidal in the past and fear you could become again?

To add more to this, my boss does not have PTSD as far as I know. But he has a fear similar to yours. He said when he was a kid, he was on top of a cliff with a river running under it. He got this feeling of invincibility as if he could fly down to the river. So he jumped. Needles to say, he did not fly and he was injured and it took hours for him to be rescued. (Maybe he does have PTSD) Anyway, he won't hike in any mountains now because he doesn't trust himself. He says he is afraid he will think he can fly again and jump off.

The things you have described sound uncomfortable and something to discuss with your therapist. You can explain it the way you did here.

Best wishes,Evergreen

 

[a3a2]

Hen,

I am wondering if you are on any form of medication that could be causing these thoughts. I had an experience with one medication where committing suicide seemed very attractive. Before I got on it, and once I got off, the urge was completely gone.

I would encourage you to be completely honest with your psychiatrist, as that is the only way he/she can help you. I suspect the suicidal thoughts are caused by a chemical imbalance (whether or not you are on meds) and can probably be diminished.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you are feeling better soon.

 

[Marine0311]

Screw it! Just dont do it!

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Wow. How timely this topic is. I have been going through this for years and for the past week I have been wondering what it means, what to do about it, whether it warrants hospitalization ect. Even when I am happy I cannot stop thinking about it. I first tried when I was 8. When I was 16 I almost died but my parents heard me fall off of my bed and they called 911 just in time. I woke up a week later...

The point is, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope with this besides just shrugging it off again and again. I am slightly worried that I will act on it again. Sometimes I start to. I'll find myself halfway into a method, or driving to the store to buy what I need. But then I think of something more fun and go do that. It's weird. I live with it every day. It is quite a roller coaster. My therapist tells me I have Bipolar II. Perhaps you have something in addition to PTSD.

You're not alone.

 

[Mina]

Suicidal ideation is actually very common with PTSD. You're not alone, Hen.

I'm not on any form of medication, and I deal with it occasionally...mainly when I am triggered. Others have reported that certain medications will increase it...I remember reading one of Anthony's posts where he said that Lexapro caused him severe suicidal ideation. One of my friends also just got off Lexapro for the same reason.

Becvan has a good suggestion on dealing with it here:
[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5129.html[/DLMURL]

Evergreen, thanks for the bird story. A friend (who doesn't have PTSD) and I were once discussing how we have flashes like that...never could really explain them. I like the idea you present, and will think on it further.

 

[This Ends Now]

Hen,

Welcome to the forum!

I am sorry that you are having those feelings. You are for sure not alone. I have considered euthanizing myself at least once a day, every day since the seventh grade. It is a good thing that I am excellent at procrastination. Every day I say to myself "yes, I have that option, but I am not going to take it today". When I get very close I procrastinate in even smaller amounts of time. "Ok, maybe today, but first I want one last cigarette, one last drink, write one last poem, dress up one last time, etc".

I probably should not say this, but I have found that the one thing that for sure every time stops those intrusive thoughts in its tracks is pot. Unfortunately the law does not allow that where I currently live. I have to stay here for at least 12 more months, then I am moving to a place where I can get this life changing medicine under the direction of a doctor.

I would recommend talking to your psychiatrist about those thoughts. They are difficult to deal with and can be dangerous.

I hope you feel better soon Hen, and everybody else out there who is managing such intrusive thoughts.

Liz H.

PS: thanks for the excellent story evergreen... it made me re-think some things in a very good way.

 

[Hen]

Thanks and evergreen that was really helpful, something to think more about. I have never seriously attempted suicide, I at 15 did a cry for help but that was it, I am 38 now. I don't want to do it. I am on sertraline from the dr but have had these thoughts when not taking meds. It's not the sort of thing you can ask people normally so this site is wonderful. I am actually feeling more and more normal the more I read here. I will look a that link Mina as I really don't like having these intrusive thoughts, they mess up so much and make me feel a complete fruit loop.

Does anyone know if these thoughts go away after you finished working with a psych or do you get stuck with them forever turning up from time to time? I'm still trying to come to terms with the no cure thing, wasn't to keen on that, I thought that after pills and psych it would get rid of it forever, I will tell her more, she's working on the disassociation at the moment and trying to get me to feel safe in showing any emotion.

 

[evergreen]

I am happy my post was able to help some people. I was wondering if it would make any sense! It seemed a bit of a ramble to me.

Anyway, I wanted to give big hugs to all of you struggling with this. I am so sorry this is a regular thing in your life. I have said I haven't had this happen because I haven't had intrusive thoughts of suicide. But I have had days and days where I just wanted to die..every ounce of me wanted to...except the part that knew Sarah would not benefit from it. I have even had myself believing that she would be better off without me...but my heart knew differently.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day, it read

Don't believe everything you think.

I thought it was really cool, and a great reminder for us with PTSD!

 

[cat]

Thanks for starting this thread Hen, its something that i've been puzzling over for a few weeks.

When I get these thoughts it's as though they aren't real, they just suddenly appear & then go, I don't consciously think of wanting to die but when things get tough I do sometimes think my family would benefit if I was around them for a while, so maybe this is just avoidance of the difficult times. I've been on meds for 6mths now but this only started recently.

That's one of the great things about this forum you know longer feel that you're the only person in the world who thinks & feels this way, A problem shared & all that.....

thanks for the sticker words evergreen, I've already stuck them in my diary as a reminder!

It's been so reasurring to read that others have these odd thoughts too, I haven't spoken to anyone about them yet as I haven't wanted to ,but I will do with my psych & gp this week.

Welcome to the forum Hen, you'll find a great deal of support & reassurance here.

Cat

 

[Deleted member 541]

When my symptoms of depression are up, or triggered badly, this is the first thing I notice. It becomes a royal pain in the ass to try and stop. My biggest problem with this is that I have attempted suicide 8 times throughout my lifetime, so this one for me is difficult, and I know what it can lead too.

Stopping it is really hard for me, as it becomes obsessive thinking to a point. When I start acting on my thinking, then I know I am in trouble.

We just have to keep reminding ourselves, that they are just thoughts, and if we can *think* them, then we can also REPLACE them with better ones........We just need to find something worth living for.....Hope is strong....

 

[sigh]

Evergreen, thanks for the story, and She Cat, thanks for the reminder that we can replace thoughts. I think about it a lot. Just the thought floats into my head. And it floats away again. The real reason is not because I don't want to die, it's that I'm scared sh**less of what's after.