Support In Therapy

[Jane.l]

Thank you for replying - I probably should have mentioned that we have had a really good working relationship in the past and he was very supportive, which perhaps makes it more difficult now.

Being understood is big and maybe that's part of the problem now, he doesn't seem to understand why I can't move forwards if I don't feel supported but from your replies I can also see another problem which is caused by me ...

... We used to communicate a lot by email, because I dissociate and shut down so much but he wants me to be able to talk face to face more so he won't respond to my emails, which makes logical sense but I still find it stupidly hard to talk in session and then we end up in silence which really depresses me - from your replies I can see you are feeling supported from talking and feeling validated and understood, I think perhaps I have got in a vicious circle where I can't get that because I don't feel supported enough to talk. Did that make any sense at all?

 

[Sandstone]

Would it work to write the emails as you used to, but then to take them to the session and read them aloud? It might break through the silence. Sometimes the longer you go without speaking the harder it gets to make a noise.

 

[illusionist]

I was just thinking the same as Stenni. Write it down and take it in with you....I have done that in the past and did help. Tell him you are finding it difficult to talk face to face....that may be easier for him to work on.

 

[Jane.l]

I can't even do that !!! :( I have tried but if it's something that holds an emotional attachment for me I shut down too much to read it out loud, sometimes with a little 'reassurance ' ( that word again) I can gradually get bits of it out and then expand. We have recently spent the whole session in silence, which really made me want to give up on EVERYTHING not just therapy.

 

[digger]

Been thinking about this and trying to pinpoint things that my T does. She is always asking what I need from her, and I find it virtually impossible to work that out.

Reassurance is important for me, she does often revisit the idea that we're aiming for that being an internal thing and encourages that, but hasn't withheld it coming from her too. The things she reassures on most are that the feelings, thoughts, reactions, responses that I am.able to share with her, are 'normal' and understandable for the type of experiences I've been through. That isn't a reassurance I can give myself easily, but she has the background and experience to able to pass that information on to me. Confusion and internal conflicts are such a huge factor in my difficulties that objective external reassurance is something I need from her, at present anyway.

In terms of reassurances of safety, I think she tries to get me to find that more within myself......are you able to pinpoint specific things you feel you need reassurance for?

I think I've mentioned to you before that I suffer from chronic mutism in my sessions with her. It can be frustrating for both of us and we've tried several different approaches to working with it and around it. It's still not ideal, but currently I write at home and bring what I've written in for her to read in a the session. She reads it to herself and then talks through what I've written with me and her take on things. I think if I had to pick the single most supportive thing she does, it would be this. The long term hope is that it will eventually lead to my being able to talk (vocally) with her about these things, and she does say this, but she's not pushing for that, and she accepts the writing as a way of talking and communicating with her. I get pissed at myself for not talking to her, she reminds me that I am... I don't think I would be able to continue working with her if she hadn't been able to adapt her style of working for me in this way.

I think what it is is that she is accepting of things taking their own time and listens when I say I'm not able to do something...yet.

One of the things my T has said before is that it is her job to work with whatever the client brings to the session, whatever form that takes. She can encourage me to find other ways to express myself, but trying to force me to, by denying me other ways, wouldn't be helpful I don't think. Telling me I couldn't communicate in written form would be like denying me my voice at the moment.

 

[digger]

For a long time, the pressure I was putting on myself to try and talk was getting in the way of any progress being made at all. Since we have settled into this way of working, it's meant I've been able to share a lot more with her and she has a better understanding of what works and what doesn't for me, and why some things don't work.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @digger, I have done that a couple of times to explain some of the traumas that I couldn't verbalise but felt he needed to know. He tried to get me to read it but I couldn't, eventually he read it and we've never discussed it since but I have trauma that we have worked on, which started out in emails and then we gently brought into session.

Maybe I will try this to try and explain how unsupported I feel, he can't really object to it at least it would be a proactive way to move forwards.

I do need a little reassurance for my abandonment issues which I manage a lot better than I used to - just an occasional - ' I am not going anywhere' would do me.

I think perhaps I am also looking for a little encouragement, that even if I think I can't do this, he thinks I can and this is 'how' he thinks we could manage it safely - perhaps that's what it comes down to I don't feel safe? Kind of thinking out loud now maybe I need more stucture.

 

[digger]

I think perhaps I am also looking for a little encouragement, that even if I think I can't do this, he thinks I can

I do get this from my T as well and, even though I find it hard to take on board, her confidence and hopes for where we are headed with all this is important to hear sometimes.

Maybe I will try this to try and explain how unsupported I feel, he can't really object to it at least it would be a proactive way to move forwards.

Absolutely, I hope he is able to see this. It's more important I think just to get things moving again sometimes, however you go about achieving that. I think my T and I both feel it's more beneficial to be working on something in some way, than not to be stuck at an impasse. Perhaps selling it to him like that might help. "This is what I need right now to be able to move forward with you" and ask him to respect that. It doesn't mean you won't be able to work in other ways in the future, but right now you need to go with what you can.

 

[digger]

but I have trauma that we have worked on, which started out in emails and then we gently brought into session.

Maybe he needs reminding of this. That this was a method that worked for you.

 

[Sandstone]

I was just looking back, and you felt the same sort of thing in September last year. Is this the same T as then? Or did you move to the new one?
Rereading your thread from then, I'm impressed at how hard you worked. In the end, you understood and resolved lots of things both here and with your T.

I told him about my other light bulb that I hold a lot back and he agreed and understood and then made a very good point that he is trying to show me in therapy that he totally accepts me without judgement and I am not all the horrible things that I have in my head but if I only reveal part of me - he won't be accepting the part I don't show which will allow me to think - he wouldn't accept me if he knew 'such and such' - damn good point I thought - only thing is I am not sure I CAN ever tell him everything urgh !

So we are doing it his way - it finally makes sense to me - to have him accept me will enable me to build self acceptance for myself and we are on the same page whoo hoo

We also talked about some fairly tricky things and it felt really good to feel ok about doing it.

We also talked about managing between sessions and we agreed on if it gets too hard ,contact him and he will fit me in ASAP.

I even told him I find the forum really helpful - I couldn't even tell him I used it before - he thinks it's a great source of support . He finished by saying how impressed he was with my attitude - gold star for me

Can you identify what has made you feel so bad again?

 

[Jane.l]

@stenni It is the same T and I can honestly say I have never worked so hard at a relationship, it has been a catalogue of misunderstandings, his inconsistency, triggering my abandonment issues, it's been very bumpy but when it works, it works really well.

We have what would be a minor misunderstanding but because I find it hard to talk and he won't reassure it ends up becoming something bigger. I have tried to talk to him about SH and the very dark places I go to and his attitude seems to be if he ignores it, it will go away But in the beginning we talked a lot about self harm, it's like he's a bit bored of it now ( that's harsh perhaps) - I keep wanting to know it's safe to go back to processing because I got in such a mess before and his answer is - well you'll soon find out and it's just not a risk I am prepared to take - I don't see why reassurance is so wrong.?

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @digger I think I will write something out to take next session and talk if I feel I can and ask him to read it if I can't, after all a silent session is pretty unhelpful for him too - if I ask him to respect that I need to do It this way for now, I think he would go with it.