Support In Therapy

[Suzetig]

When you talk about reassurance, do you know the kind of things you're looking for, eg what he would need to say or do? You don't sound safe in the relationship at the moment, did he explain why he wouldn't accept email from you to discuss in session? I can understand him wanting to move towards talking with him but it sounds like you need some help to use therapy and that's part of his job.

I too really struggle to talk about the stuff I actually need to in therapy, my very private thoughts and feelings that completely keep me stuck. I know it's because I worry about being accepted and because some of it is just too emotionally charged for me to be able to speak at times.

My therapist is incredibly consistent, keeps clear boundaries but is flexible when it helps - while explaining why she's being flexible and why she thinks it helps. In terms of reassurance, when I've disclosed some very difficult stuff she's assured me she doesn't think less of me, when I've commented on still being in therapy she's assured me I can work at my pace and she'll stick with me, when I've commented on my feeling that I'm a bad person, she assures me tht she doesn't see that. I find it very difficult to take reassurance from her but slowly, slowly I'm getting there. I've taken journal entries for her to read, emailed her some very sore thoughts and feelings and she just takes everything in her stride. I'm worried just now abut next weeks session because of something I sent her, but actually I know she'll be her usual, consistent self.

I would seriously struggle with a whole session in silence, that sounds to me like a battle of wills rather than anything helpful. I wonder if he might be more reassuring if you were able to talk to him about what's happening with you - not necessarily in terms of your trauma, but day to day stuff that you find challenging, things that are going on for you that you can use to test the waters and find your voice again. My sense is that your pressing too hard to process trauma when, for me, the fact that you can't verbalise it at all makes me think its too soon for you.

 

[samson]

I understand what you are saying. My therapist and I go back and forth from me feeling completely supported to me hating him. I have been seeing him for three years. I think sometimes we forget that therapists are only human. They have their own stuff going on at home, at work plus listening to 100 other people's stuff every week. I have leaned to overcome my terror of letting him know that he is letting me down. Each time I have done this, he has quickly corrected his actions. Sometimes I wonder if he has "lost" a client, or had a bad experience that feels similar to how we are relating to each other and he pulls back in a reflex. I would encourage you to tell him exactly how you feel and hopefully he will assure you that he is on your side and will adjust whatever he needs to in order to help you heal.

 

[darrenS]

i dont feel support from my t, but then to be honest i dont really search for it openly nor fully understand the meaning of support from a T. I have a great t, i think the world of her and trust her, but i have never truly thought about the support thing. I see her weekly, we talk , work on things etc, and im ok with that. I dont tend to put a lot of reliance on my T, in reality she is a resource and i use it as needed. I think its whether you support yourself or put things in place to support yourself thats the most important, and maybe its just me, but i dont like to rely on others, for the things i need the most

 

[Jane.l]

@darrenS in an ideal world I would do exactly what you do, that sounds a lot easier than the way I am doing it! I don't like to rely on anyone either and I had absolutely no intention of having any kind of emotional attachment but it turns out I need that otherwise I can't bring my barriers down and let my self be vulnerable , I need a connection to let him help me but I would love for that not to be the case.

@samson I think somehow I need him to understand exactly what's going on for me, I know he's busy and got lots going on in his personal life and I feel gulity that I don't manage better on my own.

@Suzetig great question, what am I looking for to feel safe? This isn't the way I thought I would answer this but I actually think I need more structure and for sure more consistency - I know I am supposed to bring what I want to talk about to the session but given the choice I will be talking about the weather and other pointless crap for years, I think if he gave me a lead in that would help, now and then when I am struggling just to hear 'it will be ok' would help, maybe just a slightly gentler stance than 'well if you're not ok we'll soon find out' and if I can't talk don't just leave me mute, help me out, what really pissed me off with that is that I have explained fully that I hate it and him not talking will never make me talk, he knows that. I don't know why he did it.

He wants me to talk rather than email because he says the healing comes from the face to face interaction, I can still email but he wants me to bring up the content in session which sounds reasonable but for some reason I can't do it :banghead: If he brought up the content he thought was worth talking over then I might be able to have a conversation - good grief I sound so weird

I think about things, it all makes sense ....

..... And then it doesn't !!

 

[darrenS]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/27582/"]@darrenS[/DLMURL] in an ideal world I would do exactly what you do, that sounds a lot easier than the way I am doing it! I don't like to rely on anyone either and I had absolutely no intention of having any kind of emotional attachment but it turns out I need that otherwise I can't bring my barriers down and let my self be vulnerable , I need a connection to let him help me but I would love for that not to be the case.

I hear you loud and clear and fully understand, i do have that connection and am grateful for it, i think it just takes time and the sharing of some commonalities and so forth

 

[Suzetig]

He wants me to talk rather than email because he says the healing comes from the face to face interaction, I can still email but he wants me to bring up the content in session which sounds reasonable but for some reason I can't do it :banghead: If he brought up the content he thought was worth talking over then I might be able to have a conversation - good grief I sound so weird

You really don't sound weird, or at least I'm the same kind of weird. I emailed my T for the first time between sessions this week with stuff I find impossible to talk about - not trauma stuff, stuff about how I feel about myself. I got a very kind response and we'll talk about it next week but I'd much rather he started to talk than left it to me. In your email could you tell him X is what you want to talk about next session and ask him to help you get started? He's right that healing comes from the relationship but its part of his job to help you with that.

 

[Jane.l]

Yes I could do that, we do (when it's all going smoothly) have a great relationship and he has been ultra flexible with me but he suddenly seems to want to do things his way, which is fair enough but if I can find a way to tell him very clearly what I need,And why I am not ready for 'his way' I know he would try to accommodate that or explain why not. I think this thread has been really useful for getting me to think about what it is I actually need.

Big thanks for all your replies, we will work it out eventually we always ️do but it's been very helpful to look at it in different ways.

@Suzetig glad you're weird too ;)

 

[ghotiff]

but he suddenly seems to want to do things his way, which is fair enough but if I can find a way to tell him very clearly what I need

Just a thought. Maybe he is hoping you will stand up for yourself?

For what it's worth, I have learnt a lot from my T by talking about the trivial. I know it makes it seem like he process will go on forever, but I do think is not wasted time.

Therapy is really hard. Good luck.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @ghotiff - he does like it when I get assertive but most of the time unless I am 99% sure its not me being needy, weird, unreasonable I am too full of self doubt to bring things up, but I am not saying he's 'wrong' just its not working for me, so I guess that's easier, less confrontational.

 

[Bluebonnet]

I also have trouble talking and sharing in session. So I can totally relate to what you are saying. This may sound odd, but one thing that has helped me is literally hiding either behind a pillow or under a blanket while in session. Doing that I've been able to read what I've written (instead of just giving it to my T to read or e-mailing it to her), and I have also been able to talk generally beyond even just reading what I've written.

 

[Born to Run]

Trauma is about having been very alone in a very threatening situation. For me the feeling of being no longer alone with the trauma has been the most important support from my therapist. This can be expressed by my therapist in numerous ways, but I always feel we are facing the terrors together. There is absolutely nothing wrong with reassurance, it is an old psychoanalytic principle that forbade reassurance. It was also an old psychoanalytic principle that it is ok to have an hour of silence. With trauma patients this is re-traumatizing, because they were alone all their lives with their terrors. Then the person sitting with you to help you is going to just sit there. Bad! I miss this quality in your therapist to make you feel that you work as a team, as from what you have described. You mention abandonment issues, I have those too, and it is very important for a therapist to keep that feeling of being there for you going actively. An hour of silence is not doing anything in this regard and not what you need. Is your therapist trained in modern trauma therapy methods or some Freudian quack psychiatrist? Sorry to say, but I have had 20+ years of those, before diagnosed with ptsd, and know their limitations in trauma work.

 

[Jane.l]

You made some great points thank you @Born to Run - I can really relate to feeling alone in trauma and so your T being with you now making the difference - the strange thing is my T has been very supportive In the past and he actually used to say things like 'we are facing this together' And we have at times made enormous progress.

I really don't know what was going on with the silent session, when I asked him later he said he was hoping I would be able to speak if he gave me space but he knows me way better than that and I have told him I get really freaked out when he doesn't speak - so I think perhaps you are right maybe that did feel re traumatising and perhaps I have a bit of transference going on now which is why I can't talk to him.

I also wonder if on some level me going through this period of not trusting him and not being able to really communicate why is actually making it very hard for him to support or reassure me.