General Supporters: ask a sufferer (symptoms etc)

[Mytime]

Maybe that’s your answer. Without you at the party, he could do or drink what never he wanted, without having to be accountable for anything. I’m just guessing only you would know. But after this party, you may be the only one invited to others. I hope you don’t get questioned by your co-workers on why you weren’t there. That would just suck!

 

[shimmerz]

Just to weigh in with my perspective on this. PTSD and the way one thinks is generally specific to what has happened to the sufferer. Not just trauma wise but whether there have been incidents where the sufferer has been humiliated or shamed or embarrassed somehow through their experiences in socializing with others while being symptomatic. So keeping in mind that these things are all through the perspective of the sufferer. There is absolutely no clear cut answer. Except - all I am ever looking for is enough safety that I don't pass out unexpectedly - or shake or shiver - or want to hide in a closet - or need to bolt for a period of time. Or god help me - cancel plans.

One foundational thing I can state is that whatever the issue, whatever the concern or 'weirdness' that is going on with the sufferer, it is all about their take on safety. Most of the confusion I think is that my take on my own safety doesn't match standard thoughts on safety. So then people who aren't my supporter look at me and go 'she is nuts' which of course, makes being in the presence of others (besides my supporter) not safe.

As an example, my supporter moved me from California to Nova Scotia. I did much better in California because his family wasn't there. I didn't have to worry about what they thought of me. In Nova Scotia everything changed. Mostly that was about expectations. They ramped up hugely when the family was around. It was expected that I fit in with the family on demand.
Make food for the family (dinners, desserts, macaroni and cheese etc)
I trigger in the kitchen so couldn't do so. So family keeps insisting because they don't understand what it means to trigger in the kitchen.
So of course that makes these people unsafe to me.
Unsafe = avoid
Because the more I show of myself to this family who has already identified me as 'weird' the more threatened I become.
Safety was no longer something I felt even with my supporter. Because it was his family and he was beholden to them.

I mean, I feel like my supporter helped the my directive to keep my world static. Static = safe. Safe = no surprises. Safe = no hostility directed at me because of my differences due to PTSD.

Of course, life isn't like that. Life is dynamic. Heap on top of that the shame of keeping my supporter back from doing 'normal' things with his family because I got freaked out by the misunderstanding by his family and had to close my once more open world into shut down again - which of course my supporter had a hard time understanding and I couldn't tell him that his family were a bunch of assholes to me.

So safe became a smaller and smaller version of the world that he and I had fought for. No longer could I play pickleball. I couldn't walk outside anymore. I couldn't explain why I couldn't help him working because who the hell understands that my shaking the entire time I am in the office is a 'thing'. And a real thing. So he ends up getting flack from his family for hanging out with a weirdo and the more I see this the more I withdraw from the outside toxic (to me) influences which eventually leads me to draw away from him.

The more I shut down the less I could interact because any emotion - good or bad - threatened the put me back into the shame/misunderstood/potential for hostility circle. So I isolated.

isolation = safety
although we all know that isolation doesn't equal safety.

So this is where it gets sticky. This is where the supporter doesn't get it. Because they don't see how isolation is good. And it isn't, but it is the lesser of the two evils. And that is where conflict comes in.

Randomness because I wanted to support my supporter by going out.
Randomness because I had to protect myself from these people (one of which would - on purpose I am certain of it - tell stories of children who were murdered in great detail)

So some days I was stronger than others and would try to support my supporter by going. But of course, by now the family was 'unsafe' and I would be more and more weird to them. I couldn't tell my supporter what was going on because I literally had to disrespect his family which wasn't fair. (Keep in mind the energy I am expending trying to figure out a way to get out of this situation and my body is starting to go insane with twitches, I started dropping again, I was having night terrors and keeping him awake at night.

So the only way out was to get out. I left in April of 2017. Suddenly, although he knew. I think he thought if I just got away and rethunk everything that I would sort it out. Not a chance. I got out and could breathe again (even though my living situation took a horrible beating).

So to protect him and his family from 'my weirdness' I stayed gone. And he was angry. I didn't care. I couldn't help but feel responsible for the chaos that ensued because I was made part of this family and failed miserably at being a part of the culture of it. And I felt responsible because they kept telling me to get with the program.

I have come to the fact that I will NEVER be able to get with other's programs. Never going to try again.

I am much happier and have made way more strides just being on my own. I can't take the pressure of the inculcation process of any family dynamic.

 

[Freida]

they all had to deal with his drunken trying-to-fight behavior. 4 of them ended up in my bedroom putting him to bed. Next time I'm sure they'll make a point to invite me too

Next time leave his drunk ass on the front lawn...just sayin...:p:p:p

 

[scout86]

he just deals with the stress (usually by drinking heavily).

Obviously, that's not a great way to deal with stress. Taking that into account, I can see a possibility that he might feel more free to use that "coping mechanism" if he's there without you. (That's the kind of thing where my T, who can have a very dry sense of humor, would usually say, "You might want to find a better way of thinking about/dealing with that." And, when he says that? He's being totally serious.)

Sometimes I suspect it's going to matter if the person with PTSD is at a place where they are working on reasonably healthy coping skills, or not. Sometimes, even if you know better, you revert back to not so great coping skills too. Since I've decided getting blind drunk isn't especially safe, I just avoid the situations where that's tempting. Sounds like he might be better off if he did that too.

 

[Swift]

Yeah, I'm loving "PTSD or ass" as a phrase...
If I'm going to make a tit of myself, I'd rather the people who's opinion I care about not be there....
I haven't done that in years, but...
Sometimes the calculation is "I have to go to The Thing, and the only way I can get through The Thing is by getting exceedingly drunk, and I don't want someone I give a dang about seeing me get drunk, so they can't be there..."

Trauma-brain thinks in black and white. The Thing is non-negotiable, the bad coping skills are non-negotiable, not wanting to be seen using them is non-negotiable.... it literally does feel like we "have" to on a life or death level.... and we don't think things through because we're using our lizard brains and not our critical thinking ones.

For me, to deal, I have to calm my panic before I engage my reasoning, and make compromises like "I can just do The Thing for an hour...."

Thanks for putting up with us PTSD asses.

 

[Freida]

Yep. This ^^^^

 

[blackemerald1]

I have come to the fact that I will NEVER be able to get with other's programs. Never going to try again.

^^Me neither, totally get what you are saying. And for what it is worth...I am really ok that I am not willing to get with other's programs. It works for me too!

Oh..aside from they would probably not want me anyway or make it too hard to work.

have made way more strides just being on my own. I can't take the pressure of the inculcation process of any family dynamic.

^^And in agreement with this too. I have achieved far more without the pressure.

 

[vj17]

Hi I hope this is not too much of a vague question. I want to ask sufferers if there is one thing in particular your supporter does that really does help support you and on that flip side is there anything they do that you really wish they wouldn’t.

 

[Swift]

Hey @vj17, great question.
I'm sure lots of people have answers.
I think the most supportive thing good supporters do is acceptance - my PTSD manifests quite physically, I'm often shaking or similar....
just, recognizing that I'm anxious or panicky or whatever it may be, that I'm not doing it on purpose, that it isn't about them or about me. This only applies to behaviour in my own sphere, like just me having a crap day, not me taking it out on others. I love the "ptsd or ass" rule, I think that's awesome. Sometimes I can't control the PTSD and just have to embrace the suckiness of it all, I guess, because stressing about stress only gets me more stressed. The other super supportive thing is, letting me pick where we sit in a cafe, waiting room etc, if I'm driving letting me pick where I park. I can't describe how uncomfortable sitting in."the wrong spot" is for me - my friends just kinda accept this as a weird quirk of mine and don't make any drama about it.

Things that are specifically unsupportive... I'm going to go with things I've specifically asked people not to do, that they do and say well, you need to get used to it. My example is making loud noises that startle me - it's not something that's going to get better if people startle me more often and then bitch about it.

Great question!

 

[scout86]

Hi I hope this is not too much of a vague question.

That IS a great question. The answers are probably going to be different for different people. I don't actually have "a supporter". But I'd probably go with "acceptance" too. Taking things as they are, without freaking out, seems like it would be a good thing. Something my T does, that I appreciate, is he doesn't assume I haven't thought of, or tried, something. So, instead of saying, "You should just do THIS...." He'll ask, "Have you ever considered.....?" Gets me thinking in that direction without a lot of the baggage that comes with being told what to do.

I can't think of a reason you couldn't have this conversation directly with the individual in question. (But it will be interesting to see the responses you get here too.)

 

[blackemerald1]

I don't have a 'personal' in-house supporter either.

My supporters communicate with me about how the normal mind works and why mine doesn't work that way anymore.

They are happy to engage in comparisons about what they prefer to do and what I prefer to do. It is actually really amazing how similar our preferences align.

To put it practically - something that I find intolerable - they might not like. It seems my sensitivities are mirrored in real life 'normal' people's opinions. And they can understand that.

Accepting my little quirks which I fervently wish I didn't have. But they can look past. That is good.

Them asking me 'how can I help?' - What a magical question! Not assuming or dismissing. Just simply asking. That is great!

Whats not supportive is dismissing my disability and or my ptsd. That's difficult.

 

[Swift]

Just wanted to add, I've now been diagnosed with DID too... Everyone in my life, including my treatment team, has reckoned I've had it for years. So, if anyone has any questions about that I'll do my best to answer. As I'm new to the diagnosis I'm still learning a lot of the science, but I can explain how it works for me or the sorts of things I do because of it.

Thank you all for supporting us.