Relationship Supporters, How Do You Keep Calm When Your Sufferer Has Bailed And Are Unsure Of Their Return?

[Deleted member 17302]

How do you keep calm when your sufferer has left and you are unsure they are coming back? My fiancee has done this more times than I can remember and every time I am unsure how long she will be gone and if she is going to come back. Sometimes it is just leaving, sometimes it comes with physical outbursts and sometimes with other not great things I rather not discuss or include here.

The frequency tends to revolve around stressful points in time as well as the trauma anniversary. However some of those stress points I can't notice that she is feeling them as well as other times. The length of time she is gone isn't on a regular trend or consistently the same amount of time.

The language and actions tends to be similar most times but those actions and language also heavily resemble an actual person just dumping you. It seems this is intentional to prevent me from hassling her. It is very distressing however and I am always unsure what is going to happen and it gives me very bad nightmares the entire time she is gone and my nerves are near completely being shot throughout the entire period of her being gone. Every time she does come back she says she didn't mean those things and just was trying to push me away.

Any kind of insight on how to know what is going on or how to stay calm or what not would be greatly appreciated.

 

[queen]

I don't.... Keep calm, that is. :nailbiting::nailbiting: I don't really have much advice to give, other than to say, I know what you're going through and it sucks big time. And there's nothing anyone can do or say really to make you feel any better. The last time my guy did this was just this past week, after having gone quite awhile (for him, anyway, 4 months or so) without disappearing. And I think because it had been so long since it had happened, I actually dealt with it worse than usual. I was lulled into a sense of calm, and then BAM. Nothing. Or very minimal contact, let's say that.

Some things I'm coming to discover: when he disappears (or pulls back), I truly think 1). he has no idea how badly it affects me, 2). he isn't even aware that he's doing it sometimes, and 3). if he knew how freaked out I got, he wouldn't get it anyway and would tell me that I'm overreacting. Partly perhaps because his need for connection is so drastically different than mine.

What I have to do for myself, however, is to keep living my life and stay busy busy busy. Even if the last thing you want to do is go out, do it. Make plans with friends, get a massage or do some self-care, exercise, go for a hike, go shopping, anything and everything to keep your mind busy and distracted as much as possible. I also have learned that these are not the moments to send a very emotional or lovey-dovey message. Haha! Most of my learning happens the hard way.... I might send a message here or there that's just a picture, or a link to an interesting article, or a random thought that doesn't require a response of any kind (i.e. "gonna get my hair colored today, excited!").

Being pushed away is the hardest part of being in a relationship with a sufferer, for me at least. I find myself saying "how can he do that to me so easily, when I would never in a million years consider intentionally hurting him?" To call it a "test" seems really trite and invalidating and wrong, but in many ways, it can feel like he's pushing to see if I can take it and/or him at his worst; when the going really is rough, will I stick around for him and be there on the other side when he's "back"?

And that's the question I get asked all the time by my closest friends..... Why do you stick around? Don't you think you deserve better? Can he really ever give you what you need? It's certainly a question that only you can answer for yourself. When is it too much for you to bear? And if/when it gets there, what do you do? Do you set a boundary or do you end it? I'm not there yet, we've gotten through a bunch of stuff already and things have drastically improved in our relationship and I feel like it's moving in a positive direction. I don't know how long you've been with your fiance, but these are things that I would consider if I were you. Sending you good juju and warm thoughts. :)

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I don't.... Keep calm, that is. :nailbiting::nailbiting: I don't really have much advice to give, other th...

4 years. I have been married before, had children with another woman, and never in my life thought soul mates was a real thing. She is however my soul mate. We both said that about each other. Super intense love right off the bat that we both wanted to deny but couldn't. I asked her to move in and shortly after to marry me. Just had to put a ring on that finger. Didn't want to lose that chance at something infinitely better than I had ever been able to dream up for a partner I would want. Been through hell and still had stuck it out this long.

A lot of people are talking about their partner having a structured isolation each year where both partners know it is happening and that the sufferer will definitely come back. It seems that some of us have situations with unstructured isolators. There has to be a way we can work out a better way. I think that my sufferer just needed better treatment for herself. I didn't keep on it as much as I should have so I feel bad for that. If she comes back, that will be different. I've started to reread the PTSD books and feel that when things get back together, we will get married and get the problems fixed up with professional help. No more thinking it will just go away or is gone away. Gotta kill this PTSD demon lest it come back with a vengeance as it did this time.

Does your sufferer know they have an issue and do they want to get help? Mine does, but wasn't proactive about it and a bit in denial about it...

 

[queen]

There has to be a way we can work out a better way.

That's certainly something to talk with her about when she's back and ready and able to discuss it. I think it's certainly fair to discuss and ask for some sort of messaging around "hey, I'm not doing well right now, and am gonna need some space" instead of either disappearing with no warning or saying hurtful things to get you to back off.

we will get married and get the problems fixed up with professional help. No more thinking it will just go away or is gone away. Gotta kill this PTSD demon lest it come back with a vengeance as it did this time.

I'm not sure if you meant it to sound this way, but I'd just caution you in believing that the PTSD will be cured and go away entirely. With professional help, things can certainly improve and you both can be better equipped to deal with the rough patches. However, recovery from anything is life-long battle with ups and downs along the way.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

That's certainly something to talk with her about when she's back and ready and able to discuss it. I thin...

Books say you can get out of PTSD as long as it doesn't have brain injury included. If there is brain injury, it seems to make it more permanent. Don't think there was any brain injury in her history, so hopefully it can go away at some point. Even if it is under control enough would be good enough. Just love my lady even if she has something to deal with. I have a stress condition that won't and can't go away that screws with my brain function but I have it under control enough to live decently and without most people noticing the effects. Long term partners are able to recognize the symptoms lightning fast and even when I can't and even through the phone. It's pretty interesting.

 

[NaeNae75]

We have had plans when he isn't cycling for him to deal with things in a way that is easier on me, but it never really comes to fruition. In fact, in the middle of it, he never seems to remember ANY of the positive or the work we've done the last 6 years. He got news today from his custody attorney today, what that is, I have no idea, but the first thing that happened is that he shut me out...as usual.

When his cup is full, it's always me that gets the shaft....always. He knows I won't go anywhere, I guess. But after 6 years of this, with little to no consideration, maybe it is time for me to move on. He told me right away that he wants to be alone, but would be sad if I hung up and never talked to him again. He also told me that he isn't cutting off communication completely and agreed that when he has his son this weekend, they should still come over to my house, at least for a little while.

I want to keep the lines of communication open, and keep being strong for his son and my kids and granddaughter, but there's a big part of me that just wants to mourn and let him go. Let him see exactly what he won't have. I know that's somewhat selfish, but I suffer from PTSD too....and him being triggered, triggers me sometimes too.

At what point does the towel get thrown? We were supposed to be deciding whether to move in together or get married. If we decided to live together, we were going to hire an attorney to make each other the power of attorney for each other. Two days ago he was talking about how good some things are going, and today he's unhappy and wants to break up....but not really.

All I've ever asked for is for him to stop "breaking up" and just tell me when he needs space. Why is that too much to ask for, but expecting me to deal with this multiple times a year and wait for him isn't? He says I could leave him at any time, and he would have to deal with it even though he'd be sad....what am I supposed to take from that? I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. I don't know if he's really triggered and cycling, or if he's trying to "get out" of us moving forward together. Maybe I need to accept it will never be my time to have what I want in this relationship....but does that mean I should stay, and chance never having anything my way, or leave and still not have what I want....him?

Do they ever realize how hard this is for us? Does he ever appreciate my strength? Am I lying to myself that I'm ever going to be enough? Am I lying to myself that I'll be able to be happy for the rest of my life? Am I stupid for hanging on....is this even healthy?

 

[Deleted member 17302]

We have had plans when he isn't cycling for him to deal with things in a way that is easier on me, but...

There definitely has to be a way to have things not happen this way. It isn't ok that this happens. It seems wrong to just burn the bridge when you know they are having an issue. However it seems a lot like drug or alcohol addictions that cause people to get selfish instead of growing enough will to be responsible. If they don't quit their jobs, then they shouldn't quit the relationship either. Jobs won't tolerate it, but that is a known and keeps people from losing their crap and quitting willy nilly. There has to be a way to get that same thing stuck in their head about their PTSD isolation freak outs.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Books say you can get out of PTSD as long as it doesn't have brain injury included.

@mr_smith_v2, be very careful with this. I'm not sure what your reference is, but there is no cure for PTSD. It can be treated and managed, but it will never go away. Sufferers can be pretty functional for a long period of time and suddenly bottom out.

If you're going to function as the supporter in a PTSD relationship, you have to make peace with this before you can work on anything. She may always be symptomatic. She may not ever be able to manage her symptoms anymore than she does now. She may get worse. Are you going to be OK with this?

 

[NaeNae75]

There definitely has to be a way to have things not happen this way. It isn't ok that this happens....

You would think so, and often times we can get through it, but others, he just spins out of control. He has a job that is fairly tolerant of his PTSD issues too....he works for the government, so they are pretty flexible with him. It can be frustrating, but I just keep trying to hold our family together when he doesn't. It's just difficult, because although he has gotten better about acknowledging me when he's "good", it isn't in touch with the reality of how much I hold together for my love of him and our family. I just wish sometimes he would realize I'm not the bad guy....

 

[Deleted member 17302]

@mr_smith_v2, be very careful with this. I'm not sure what your reference is, but there is no cure for PTSD. It can be treated and managed, but it will never go away. Sufferers can be pretty functional for a long period of time and suddenly bottom out.

2 therapists said this and it is also in the book "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship". I just read it again the other day and didn't mark the page but now I wish I had. If I find it again, which I am trying to do, I will give you the page number and quote the section for you. We can argue till the cows come home, but that doesn't change anything, so until then, I'll just look for the information and give it to you when I run across it. Either way, as long as it is manageable, that is perfectly fine. Everyone has problems.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Nobody is arguing with you @mr_smith_v2. You asked for advice, and I gave you some.

I'm very familiar with the Diane England PTSD Relationship book. We call it "the bible" in the supporter section. My copy is highlited, spindled, and mutilated. It is about symptom management, not curing.

I think when people tell you things you don't want to hear, it makes you feel like you are being argued with. It's not the case. This is one place where supporters can get support for themselves. We try to help each other here, not tear each other down. Interesting fact, check the bibliography for the PTSD Relationship book, and you'll find this forum listed.

The quickest way to make yourself sick and batshit crazy is to not accept the truth about your partner's condition. It just leads to heartache, stress, and disappointment. That's for any supporter. We all want our partners back to their pre-trauma happy normal selves. We all want it the way it was before. That will never happen though, and we have to accept that.

We have to work on our own mental health first. It's like putting on your own air mask first when the plane is going down. You can't help anybody if you're passed out.

 

[joeylittle]

I just wanted to point out that this description:

I have a stress condition that won't and can't go away that screws with my brain function but I have it under control enough to live decently and without most people noticing the effects. Long term partners are able to recognize the symptoms lightning fast and even when I can't

could just as easily be describing PTSD, and the place we are trying to get to.