Relationship Supporters: What Is The One (or A Few) Thing(s)?

[lostforgottensoul]

Supporters: What is that one (or a few) thing(s) that your sufferer could do right now that would better your relationship? I mean right now in their power. Not something they need to learn to do better.

I ask as I am trying to make a list of things that I can do to better my dad and I's and my step mom and I's relationship and those few members of the family that still speak to me and any one else in my life or that will come into my life.

I know I will better myself as I go through this journey of healing but I am talking like right now could do to make their life easier and our relationship better.

So spill it! I wanna hear the good, the bad, and the super gruesome!

 

[TheMinsterman]

Be open and honest about the reality of our relationship, be understanding that your uncertainty doesn't just confuse and upset you, but causes real, lasting damage to your partner/friends. It hurts to be rejected and just being told "it's not personal when it's PTSD" isn't really enough, a little clarity can do wonders. Even "I don't know what I want" sounds a lot better to us than "go away, I don't want you", don't be afraid to say you don't know, it honestly would be much better.

Be clear about what you want and need, don't leave people constantly guessing. You may not know, but then you should vocalise that too. If you have moments where you are calmer and you can clarify what you need, do so, don't delay. Let people know exactly what it is that you require when you have bad spells so they are prepared and don't have any excuses about not knowing.

Reach out. You look at all these threads and just see how much it means to supporters when their "sufferer" reaches out to them, even in a really small way, it makes them feel wanted and useful. Even a hi can make a persons day, a short conversation in the middle of weeks of silence can just be enough to show you are not abandoning them.

 

[Snowflakes]

Interesting you post this tonight because tonight my sufferer asked me the same question. I didn't have an answer for her. Maybe the constant issues have taken its toll on me and I've given up. I live each day trying to get to tomorrow with the least amount of crap being thrown my way. Today was the closest I ever came to walking out the front door and never looking back.

Maybe, I don't have an answer because we both know it will happen again tomorrow.

But you asked because you want to make it right. Maybe having her tell me what she feels instead of asking me what I want would have worked. All I want is peace in my life and my best friend/wife back but somehow that wasn't going to fly tonight. You wrote that you were trying. I feel that you are hurting for what you have put them through and you are trying. Tell them that along with your feelings. Maybe that's what I needed to hear......more "I feel" rather than "you did"

Thank you for your insight.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, cutting me a little slack would be nice. I would love to have a shit day every once and awhile without it turning into a "thing". I would also love a break from being criticized and picked at for everything. An apology every now and then would be nice. Also, affection is always appreciated. When he's feeling well and is affectionate... that's what makes the bad days better.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Oh and a break from the "word scrutiny"... usually "it" doesn't have a deeper darker meaning, I'm just saying "it" ffs.

I know some of these things are PTSD quirks, and I know he can't help it... I'd just like a break. Like, give me a few days to relax. Try and be aware of it and do his very best to avoid that behavior... make sense?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

don't be afraid to say you don't know, it honestly would be much better.

So maybe "i dont know, im having a PTSD momemt?"

Let people know exactly what it is that you require when you have bad spells so they are prepared and don't have any excuses about not knowing

I do that. Its them not wanting to do what I am advising. I also advise why i do and say the things I do and say during "bad spells" and also have a PTSD sourcebook which helps supporters as well as sufferers and they refuse to pick it up. So all of that is frustrating for me which adds to explosions as now its anxiety and frustration mixed. I guess I am trying to figure out how I can change small things that make a big difference in our relationship. I understand I can't change them or their willingness to understand, become educated, and be better to be there for me but my sister's abuse to them made me realize there are likely small things I can change in how I do things or say things that doesnt require learning and healing to make life living with me easier. I guess it just opened my eyes a bit to what I do that is also abusive and wanting to change what i can.

make sense?

Totally!

Oh and a break from the "word scrutiny"... usually "it" doesn't have a deeper darker meaning, I'm just saying "it" ffs.

Like give me an example of a sentence where "it" just means "it" but taken as deeper and darker by him. I just can't picture where it would mean anything but "it" to me.

Other words do. Like if I hear "she" while I am over hearing a convo between my dad & step mom I automatically jump to the conclusion they are talking about me and will insist (non-abvasively) on knowing what the convo was about. My step mom makes up ridiculous things like "oh, the Packers won" if she is lying and not wanting me to know.

ETA: Though I realize its none of my business as I wasn't part of the convo.

Try and be aware of it and do his very best to avoid that behavior

I always try to be aware of what I am doing and saying and even thinking but many times I fail and PTSD takes over. But I do try. I wish they would get that. I think they do more now that they've experienced worse (my sister). It just seems that they appreciate that they aren't in that enviroment at my house and they seem to understand a bit better or at least a bit more patient with me.

But I know there are still little things I can change to make a big difference to the better. When I ask them, though, they name off things that I have to learn to do which will take a long time and its not something I can do over night. I am seeking those things that I can change over night that doesn't take time to learn, if that makes sense.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yeah, "I don't know, I'm having a PTSD moment" would be much more helpful, my ex just gave me vague answers then stopped replying, all that did was leave me hurt, confused and very upset.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

my ex just gave me vague answers then stopped replying, all that did was leave me hurt, confused and very upset.

I can understand that. I think many times I get frustrated at myself which then leaks into my "supporters" and so thats something to try to keep aware of and keeping that phrase in mind "I don't know, dad, I am having a PTSD moment" or even "I'm having a PTSD moment" might be good?

 

[TheMinsterman]

I can understand that. I think many times I get frustrated at myself which then leaks into m...

Yeah, don't get me wrong, I understand WHY it may affect the way somebody answers etc, but for me I'd definitely respond better to "I am having a PTSD moment" than some confused ramble which sends mixed messages that only torture me as I go over them in my head.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That makes sense @TheMinsterman! Thanks!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm just using "it" as a generic example of a random word. My sufferer is constantly mind reading and interpreting language... and he is wrong a vast majority of the time. I can say something harmless, and he interprets it as me having a diabolical intention because I used a certain word. And I mean totally random words, not insults.

One example is me talking about writing an argument in the academic sense. Aka a position or thesis to defend. He literally started in on how I was a contrary, all I want to do is argue, it's a terrible personality flaw, and he doesn't think he can be with a person like that. All I could do is sit there and gawp at him and wonder if he was trippin'.

Wtf dude, I was talking about a written argument. I got an extra asshole ripped because of one damn word that had absolutely nothing to do with anything.

It happens with the most random words. "Here", "my", etc. I've even seen the same phenomena here on the boards with other sufferers. I'm taking it as a possible defensive thing, trying to find potential hidden dangers, etc.

I try not to take it personally, but that stuff can get exhausting. I do my best to be respectful of his stressors and triggers. I check my temper, and I maintain calm around him. It's exhausting to worry about if I'm using the "right" word too, because it is impossible to know how he might interpret something.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I'm just using "it" as a generic example of a random word. My sufferer is constantly mind reading an...

This, this, this.

My ex made up her own interpretations of my actions and words and came up with such bizarre conclusions based on the most innocuous of things (made a FB post joking about being alone on V-Day, so it was a date with wine for me, she decided this meant I wanted wine more than a girlfriend, even though she is fully aware I didn't want to break up.)