Relationship Supporting Each Other.. Childhood Abuse Survivors

[pixi]

I've been in a loving and committed relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now. We have similar backgrounds of abuse - the main difference being that I was placed into foster care, and he wasn't. The stories he has told me about his past are haunting and basically the sort of thing no child should have to go through - an extreme lack of support, emotional warmth, empathy from caretakers.. being taunted and tormented by them. I won't go into too many personal details.

I'm his first "serious" relationship, I feel we were brought into each other's lives because we can relate to and love each other. For a while I thought that I was the one needing all the support, but it's because more clear to me that he is just as much in need of mine.

He doesn't talk about his emotions much, unless something triggers him. When a trigger does happen, he shuts down. I have to coax words out of him, and he shakes a lot. Sometimes he hits his head or falls down on the floor. When it's really bad, he literally passes out. (In which case I've found it's best to let him sleep it off.)

It seems to happen out of nowhere sometimes. It's scary for me and certainly for him. I want to be with him for a long time, if not the long haul, but as it stands now I'm walking on eggshells, unable to have a serious talk or ever disagree. We disagreed about doing a flea treatment the other day - I wanted to do it now, he thought it would be wise to wait until the next day, and I agreed. Then he's sitting on the side of the bed, ringing his fingers and looking very distressed. I get down and ask him what's wrong, and he's stuttering - "Did I f**** everything up? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Am I bad for not wanting to vaccuum today? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I'm usually able to help bring him back to the moment using mindfulness techniques, and once he's back, he gives me a hug, thanks me, and almost asks as if nothing happened. Which makes sense - of course you wouldn't want to linger on something terrifying that just happened.

My concerns are: He hasn't been in therapy. He says he doesn't know what his triggers are. Whenever his "episodes" (for lack of a prettier term) arise, they happen, and then it's back to normal. While I'm glad that he can recover from these.. are they going to keep happening? Is he going to keep disassociating, banging his head up, assuming the worst?

I'm no stranger to these symptoms, I have them myself. I've been in therapy for years and I've gotten a lot more under control. Being able to help him through his anxiety and panic attacks is helping me, because I've had to learn to put my issues aside and take care of his..

Still, I don't know if I'm just giving him a band-aid.. can he heal without therapy? Should I bug him to see one? (He's considering it, but keeps forgetting)

 

[radicalgratitude]

Good for you for all that you have done for him, I am sure it helps him to know that he has your support. However, given his trauma, he cannot heal without therapy, and even trauma therapists don't treat their own family members, least of all their spouses. I think you are right-on when you wonder if you are just "giving him a bandaid," and the very fact that you are questioning it makes me think that you know that he needs professional help. You need to also protect yourself from "compassion fatigue," which can lead to PTSD by itself. I hope this helps.

 

[KrispyKreme]

I am short on time now so I just want to say that I read your post. I am sorry for what you both went through.

In short - he he will not heal on his own.

I hope to post more soon.

Stay strong.
KK

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree, therapy is needed. If we could heal without therapy, well, most of us would be fine by now.

I'm worried that you are putting your issues aside for him. This can work in the short run, but isn't good in the long run.

I wish you the best.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, you can count on episodes continuing. learning his triggers will be helpful. As professional help seems necessary, the choice needs to be his. A lot of times, someone needs to hit bottom, before they risk asking for help. I know I did. The old saying, you can lead a horse to water but ....

 

[bell]

I agree with all the votes for him going into therapy. The sad part (for me, at least) about dealing with this type of thing is that every time I think I have it licked and won't meltdown again, something else comes up to bite me in the arse. And I'm in therapy! But, that being said, the meltdowns have changed and gotten better to some extent, so in all likelihood, therapy would help him deal with his triggers better, as it will help him understand where they're going from... and ease things on you!

That's great that you are in therapy, but, as they tend to say in therapy, you gotta put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help others... and it sounds like you're wavering some on this. (And yes, in my opinion, you're giving him a band aid *and* putting it on and making sure it heals. It sounds like it's time for him to start doing that himself.) As a sufferer who's also been in a relationship with someone with PTSD, I know it's hard, but you need to remember that him going to therapy will help him (and you) in the long run.

 

[Flyaway]

It sound like he needs so much love! Do you both have a good support network?