General Supporting Your Supporter When They're Unwell

[Wastinglight]

So I sprained my ankle this morning - bad. Very very painful. My guy (who suffers from PTSD) seemed to ignore my injury for a bit and then started going on about how he injured his knee about 13 years ago in the military and started telling me how I needed to push through the pain. Um, what? Then he told me he didn't know what he should do. I told him he just needs to says nice things and fetch stuff for me.

I couldn't go to work of course. I asked him what he had planned to do today, and he said had intended to go out. I said he could still do that if he wanted. He practically ran out of the house. Lord knows when he'll be back.

He seemed very uncomfortable in the role of caregiver. I just wondered if anyone else experiences this kind of reaction from their 'sufferer' in a situation like this, or whether it's just him? He's never lived with a girlfriend before so it's possible hes never been in this situation before.

 

[Sighs]

My guy basically has two modes - 1) suck it up Princess and 2) call a code blue.

What I mean by this is that I know if I were actually hurt badly he would apply first aid and carry me out on his back if necessary to the nearest hospital. Basically anything short of that - he pretty much ignores.

 

[Powder]

It could be a number of things. From the sounds of it, your sprain might have reminded him of his knee injury. Maybe he thought talking about that would clear it, but the fear that it might dredge up more than he could handle maybe sent him running from the trigger, your injury. That's what it sounds like, but it's hard to tell. Ask him if your injury might have triggered him a bit.

I like it when my supporter just asks me later if that was triggering. It's not asked as an apology, more of a checking system to respect boundaries and know where they lie.

For me, as a PTSD sufferer, I can at times fail to exhibit empathy when I feel triggered. The cue for empathy seems strangly "missing" and I can feel it happen. Then, I sometimes flee out of embarrassment and shame for "being this way" when I don't want to be. I feel like a broken robot when this happens and wonder where my heart went. :(

These are two things that strongly come to my mind as a sufferer, but this is in no way any kind of explanation for your sufferer. So I'd ask him gently and simply if you feel that it is appropriate, not in a judging way. Keep expectations as realistic as possible and you won't be too disappointed. Works both ways.

I hope you ice and elevate. Ice for 20 mins, and then take a half hour break. Elevate as much as you can, continuously. You may need to go to ER or doctor. You might need to get a wrap on it.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks heaps @Muse. That's helpful to know. I have iced and put a bandage on it to stop it flopping around. Just been to doctor - xray and ultrasound next :cautious:

 

[Deleted member 20280]

He does not sound unsympathetic to me IMHO. It would seem that your sprain has in fact triggered him. That said he also needs to gain a much better control of his triggers. He needs to own his own symptoms and better manage them when around others so as not to affect others people adversely.

I send healing :hug:s if you accept them.

Laurie

 

[Friday]

My guy basically has two modes - 1) suck it up Princess and 2) call a code blue.

I burst out laughing when I read this. Yep. & Yep.

Anything in the middle needs short words & simple direction. I'm action orientated. I need something to do. "Say nice things & fetch things for me." Is kind of perfect, @Wastinglight, but only for about 5 minutes. For me, it would need to be repeated often. (Hey. So under the say nice things and fetch things for me clause..., or write it on a note on the fridge/ wall by the loo/ coffee pot. I promise I'm not stupid. I just forget shades of grey.). Because I have the attention span of a gnat. Other suggestions would be multiple hour activities. Something I could do that takes time. Order in pizza and a movie (although I'd probably wander off halfway through the movie), or call a 'blanket fort & gaming' afternoon, or an invitation to do nothing with them (what I'd probably be doing elsewhere after escaping, but I couldn't do it at home because of the constant feeling like I should be doing something) . Being at loose ends kills me. It's a heavy weight, or constant ache, needing to do something and not knowing what.

Get well soon! Cross your fingers it's broken. Breaks heal so much faster than sprains!

 

[Owl.]

From a sufferer's POV:
For the love of all things holy: SPELL IT OUT.
If you want me to do something for you that isn't as obvious as lugging the beer up from the cellar, say it with all the subtlety of a hammer to the face.

"Say nice things and fetch stuff for me" would simply leave me standing there like 5'8'' of pure AWKWARD, probably saying stuff like "the color of that bandage looks really good on you" and fetching a vase of flowers from another room to put them down next to you.
(And yes, I probably would try to break the awkwardness by making it worse with looooong stories about the various ways I screwed up my body in the past. Simply because I wouldn't know what else to say.)

I'm absolutely useless in situations like that. That feeling of helplessness is a HUGE problem and unbelievably stressful to me, especially paired with "what if I screw this up!", "why THEM and not ME" and several other fun thoughts like that. When there's something I know I can't fix, I won't know what to do with it.

Used to be pretty good at this. Then the Beast moved its stuff into the house and a-flyin' out the window that (and many other things that seem relatively straight forward to other people) went.

From a supporter's POV:
This?

My guy basically has two modes - 1) suck it up Princess and 2) call a code blue.

FACT.
My guy is permanently stuck on option #2. #1 doesn't even seem to exist in his world when it comes to people he cares about.

When I'm in a bad place, physically or mentally, and allow him to notice, he'll worry and fuss and spend day and night trying to come up with solutions to make it better and save my world.
Of course there never really are any ways to "fix it" to the extent he'd WANT it to be fixed, so he gets more and more agitated until he finally pushes himself into an episode, leading to days, weeks or even months of all things bad for both of us.

So what I do before he can option-#2 us both into the hole is...I option-#1 him right out of the issue.

It certainly isn't the best approach, some things just aren't made to be hidden or "sucked up", but it's what I have to do if I want to keep us out of that near-inescapable loop of us stressing each other out over and over again, worse with every round. He's the same way when he's the one having problems - only that his usually are way too big to hide, which means we're fairly familiar with that particular vicious circle.

What I'm trying to say is...try to see the positives in his behavior.
No, it isn't what you need, and certainly not ideal, but at least his being out of his depth with the challenge at hand might be made better by communicating your needs openly and clearly.
Once they get into that - impossible to live up to - frame of mind where they have got to be the savior of your world or die trying? It's just about impossible to get them out of it.

If this was the first time he found himself faced with a situation like this, it's not all that surprising that he didn't handle it overly well, but that can be worked on.

Here's wishing you a speedy recovery with as little awkwardness in the process as possible. :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

My guy basically has two modes - 1) suck it up Princess and 2) call a code blue.

Like @FridayJones , this made me laugh out loud too... Oh man, you hit the nail on the head.

Just to add a little brevity to the conversation, just imagine a size XL combat vet dealing with his significant other's girlie-parts surgery. He flip-flopped between wanting to call in a medevac and telling me about how if I wanted to know what real pain was, try getting shot in the back of the calf. I remember waking up from a pain killer nap and he was sitting in a chair by the bed watching me. I'm lucky he didn't try to start an IV or something.

Feel better soon @Wastinglight... we can't fetch anything for you, but we can help with the saying nice things part. :hug:

 

[NarcSis]

For me, as a sufferer and former medic, to see my husband in pain automatically triggers me and my mind tells me that he is about to die, so panic, panic, panic in my head and stand still and stare (and good heavens don't breathe!) from my body. I usually can't act until I go completely numb and then, for me, right back into blank medic-mode with loads of suffering and blubbering later.

I like to take the Suck It Up Princess route with him now because for me, this is denial that he is actually hurting and could possibly die on me. It's self protective. If I have to, as the woman, act as the caregiver to him while he's injured or sick, it is not fun for me. It is psychologically and physically exhausting. I get irritable and tend to ignore my own needs over his until I have a meltdown.

He's a man. He doesn't see things the way we see them. He's not used to being the caregiver, I would hesitate to say any man is, regardless of how great a medic, nurse protector or father they are, when it comes to someone close to them being hurt, it's very triggering, PTSD or not. Avoid, avoid, avoid. My husband rarely leaves this house but if I'm hurt and can't move, he's outta here like lightning....and he's a medic!

I think someone also said that he's ex-military, so yeah, there's that. When I cried as a kid, my vet Dad was of the, "Ahhhh, it's not bad." variety of healer. Hugs were rare, it was the Suck It Up Princess route with him. Tough it out, it's not like you've been shot, there are worse things in the world, I broke my leg once, your leg's not broken, get up etc. etc. Military style of handling things. Never once thought that my dad could have been triggered by my screaming and carrying on.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks everyone. Your responses were very helpful and some made me giggle! Now that I've got some crutches I can do most things myself so it's all good! Not that I was upset, his behavior was a bit curious to me. He managed to get out a few sympathetic phrases yesterday and even surprised me this morning by asking if he should come with me to get xrays done. That's not necessary since I can drive okay, but it was appreciated! My foot is all puffy today but not hurting as much.

 

[Sighs]

@Medic72 - my dad - also a combat vet - dismissed every single childhood injury I ever had from from a broken wrist to the time I put the meat of my thumb through an electric grater (I was little - I didn't know what it was) with the phrase "its only a flesh wound!".

@Wastinglight - good to hear your foot is improving!

 

[Powder]

I still think it is a good idea to later down the road find out if this kind of thing is a trigger for him. You shouldn't have to keep guessing and he might benefit from it not being a big deal to be triggered and to be open with one person about it. Just being open a little with one safe person who wouldn't ever use it against you, is a huge healing step.

That said, tread lightly and if he can't talk now, then it's not the right time. Good job taking care of yourself and giving his role a think as well. That's really reflective of you, and caring. I like to see that.