Suppressed Anger

[Iam]

My trauma T has me reading and doing the exercises in "The Dialetical Behavior therapy Workbook". I've only read a little and have learned a lot already.

I'm finding that I have a lot of deeply suppressed anger which I tend to project onto whom ever has done something to piss me off. I'm not saying I yell at them. My anger is too overwhelming to do that so I just suppress the current anger too. I withdraw and stop talking. My husband and I have barely said a word to each other in 2 days. He asked several times why I was mad at him and I've refused to look at, let alone answer him. My anger is legitimate, but definitely over the top and not talking about it doesn't help. He has finally quit asking and isn't talking any more either. We only say what has to be said. The not talking is my fault, I've made things worse by withdrawing.....I need to explain why I am so angry. Not doing so is just making us both suffer and making me depressed and angry with myself.

I know WHY I withdraw and I know that my anger is way out of proportion to the offense. So why can't I just let go and talk to him? This is something that I definitely need to bring up to both my therapists next week. My primary T has wanted me to vent my anger during our sessions, but I never can, nor can I cry. My trauma T and I are working on that. She wants me to let it out, let the little girl in my cry, but I shut down every time I start feeling teary. I don't know HOW to let it out. It scares the crap out of me.....God this is exhausting. Even though working thru the traumas involved working on my emotions surrounding them was hard, I have to say that was far easier than facing myself and working on ME. I don't know if that makes sense but it's true. Nothing to blame it on, just need to face me, myself and I. I HATE this SH*T!

 

[Srain]

It can be scary to feel anger with someone we love, especially a spouse whom we realize our emotions are running above and beyond the actual event. I struggle with the intense feelings of "having to defend my reality" during any disagreement or any time I feel upset which, rather than shut me down usually have me gear up for the battle of my life. It is WAY overboard but not to the Survivor in me.

It is completely understandable to me that you might feel you would be facing something that you will have to battle perhaps or that you will have to lose something or he will challenge you, maybe even be discounted. (I'm guessing) So I think it takes practice. I am learning it as well and my heart goes out to you. It is work and it is frustrating at times.

(((((((((Iam))))))))))
I think you are doing an awesome job!
Peace and gentleness with yourself,
Rain

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm surprised that the therapist has just told you to let it out, without giving you some way of chanelling it out. Something I find helps me when I'm angry, is writing everything that Id really like to say at that particular moment. Not just about the problem, but using the swear words, insults and accusations that I know are completely over the top. It never gets shown to anyone, it's just for me, and when I'm ready I get rid of it.

What works for one, doesn't work for everyone and I'm sure you'll find your way. All the very best.

 

[intothelight]

My heart goes out to you, as dealing with emotion is the hardest part of healing. I never quite know what to do with them and all the negative ones I direct towards myself.

I have a lot of anger, but I realized the other day, that I really wasn't mad. I was hurt, and it is a lake of hurt. It is easier to feel anger, frustration, or to just plain old check out by disassociation; than it is to acknowledge and just feel that hurt. I am afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to trust, afraid to feel, because I hurt. My soul hurts, my soul is crying, and it is a deep pain that I cannot put words to. My fear leads to fight, and come out as anger.

I don't know if this makes any sense or not, or even may apply to what you are feeling. But basically it is the hurt that is present, the fear of this hurt and the resulting anger that I find myself dealing with. I feel like I am grieving what could have been, should have been and never will be. But I have to let it go, grieve and move on, or I will never learn to allow myself to fully feel. There will always be a big chunk of me that is held back in reserve if I don't face the hurt, let it hurt, and then begin to heal.

I call it being naked, in that I take the protective armor off and allow myself to be vulnerable. It creates an emotional mess to start with and my own emotions are not something I deal well with at all. But I have to start somewhere and figure I'll get better as I deal with things and learn over time. I've learned to suppress my emotions since I was a child, so I truly missed that part of learning. But I am learning now.

Wishing you much peace my friend as this is a huge step and struggle.

(((Hugs)))
Deb

 

[Iam]

Thanks for the support and encouragement Rain, Meadowsweet and Deb.

I'm surprised that the therapist has just told you to let it out, without giving you some way of chanelling it out.

Thanks for the suggestion MS. My T has suggested several ways to let the anger out: Screaming into and hitting a pillow, exercise, writing etc. What he wants me to do is pretend one of my parents is tied up in a chair and for me to yell at them saying whatever it is that I wish I could have said when I was a kid. He'd love me to use a few choice words. I tried it a couple of times in sessions, but I felt like an idiot and just couldn't work up to it. So now I refuse to try it again, but I really do wish I could. Like you, I tend to write stuff out with present stuff and that helps. Perhaps I'll try writing letters to my parents and brother....then burn them!

Hubby and I are talking again, but we do need to discuss what happened. Funny, it wasn't anything that serious.....it just really triggered me. The good thing that came out of it is realizing that I still have a lot of pent up anger from the past and that my withdrawing is a poor way to cope. Though I do believe that it is better for me not to say anything to the person while I am that angry. Much better to wait and calm down so I can think rationally, then talk to them. Just wish I could calm down and stop ruminating faster! Time to try some of the new skills!

 

[Srain]

Though I do believe that it is better for me not to say anything to the person while I am that angry. Much better to wait and calm down so I can think rationally, then talk to them. Just wish I could calm down and stop ruminating faster! Time to try some of the new skills!

Yes, yes, and yes.

Oddly, I am finding this to be true as well.

I also find that it becomes like a kaleidoscope of faces and incidents of exactly what I'm angry at, so the more time I take to calm down the better. The picture gets clearer and those images not belonging fade into reality, not nearly as horrific as it all was at first. Whew! (Basically my most recent experience with this same issue.)

Thank you for posting this.
((((((hugs)))))))))

 

[Sterre]

What he wants me to do is pretend one of my parents is tied up in a chair and for me to yell at them saying whatever it is that I wish I could have said when I was a kid. He'd love me to use a few choice words. I tried it a couple of times in sessions, but I felt like an idiot and just couldn't work up to it. So now I refuse to try it again, but I really do wish I could.!

I can relate to your feelings of feeling like an idiot while doing this exercise.

A strategie that was helpfull to me , was the "yes/ No" game.
My PMT therapist put out a couple of sandbags ( small ones) and divided them up between the two of us.

He then started to trow a sandbag hard on the floor, yelling out "Yes"!
Wich was my cue to trow a sandbag as hard as I could and yell "NO!!!!"
And then we rapidly where shouting and trowing bags to the floor.
My "NO!"became more and more angry very rapidly, and I had to stop a couple of times because I was shaking all over.

This really worked for me.

It worked because there where no difficult words, just YES and NO, in wich I could put all my anger and frustration.
It was liberating and accurate.

Maybe it helps to overcome the blokage you feel to use simple strong words, and to invite your T to work allong with you.

Another exercise we did was with a bal and a baseballbat. The T put the ball on a polething, so the bal was at hip heigt, and then he supported me to take a swing with the baseballbat.
This was very anger relaeasing as well. We repeated the excercise a couple of times.

Good luck!

 

[Lionheart]

I am a survivor of multiple traumas and I have had troubles with suppressed anger too. As it turns out, my anger was buried beneath my pain so I had to get through the pain first. I was once like you and couldn't cry or rage in the therapists office, but let someone piss me off and I was right there to let em have it! ;)

When we have these suppressed emotions and then something triggers them, it all seems like it is going to come rushing forth all at once and devour anyone in it's path, but that is not the reality of how it happens. First a tear creeps out and then one day another tear, until one day it seemed like I was going to cry all of the time....I mean to tell you that I cried for months before I had released enough of the pain to get in touch with my anger.

Once in touch with my anger they had me do the same little exercise they had you to do and I thought it was silly as hell. They suggested buying some cheap plates at a yard sale and then breaking them to help manage my anger, but this too seemed silly........like too little, too late. When I would try to express anger, I would either cry from the pain or I would suppress the anger, take it out on myself and end up suicidally depressed.

Then one day the T was late for my appointment and I told her it made me angry that I had to show up on time but she could be late and that was the first time that I learned to deal with anger appropriately...I could simply talk about my anger, feel it, express it and it would go away.

Don't get me wrong, I will probably never be fully rid of my anger because I am disabled with PTSD and everyday I realize that I have this disorder because of what others choose to do to me.....but I use my anger now to help fuel my healing and to help me lead a better life. Anger when turned and controlled can make a wonderful ally. I wish you continued success with your healing and just wanted to say, "Hang in there, it is rough, but it does get better!!!"

 

[Sandra]

I have a problem releasing my anger. I tend to keep it bottled up. But with some situations if someone pushes my buttons I have been known to blow up.

 

[Iam]

Then one day the T was late for my appointment and I told her it made me angry that I had to show up on time but she could be late and that was the first time that I learned to deal with anger appropriately...I could simply talk about my anger, feel it, express it and it would go away.

Funny you should mention this Lion. My T is perpetually late and yet I am always on time. There have been times when I wonder if he is procrastinating because he really doesn't want to meet for our session. Most of the time I just take it in stride because I know that is just how he is. I bring a book to read while I wait. I have gotten angry a couple of times, but have been unable to tell him. I guess because he never cuts our sessions short and in fact usually we go over. I am afraid if I say something that will change.

I'm not much of a yeller. I occasionally blow up at my husband of 33 years and have one friend (Pottershand here on the forum) that I have gotten really angry with a few times. Funny, she has PTSD too and has been happy when I got so mad at her that I yelled and stomped my feet because she knows how hard it is for me. What a true friend huh? She moved to Indiana recently.... Dang I miss her....

Usually if I am angry with someone that I really care about I wait until I have myself under control and then calmly tell them that I am upset and why. We work it out and that is that.

So why is it so hard for me to express it in therapy?

Recently My T did say something to me that really hurt. Our next session wasn't for a month so I had a long time to ruminate on what he'd said and the anger just kept building. I came close to cancelling our next session figuring I would just quit going to him. I decided it wasn't in my best interest and bucked myself up to tell him how angry I was. It was so hard to tell him. I felt like a little kid. He took it in his usual calm way saying he could understand why I felt that way and apologized. I was still angry though and it took him a half hour (over our regular session time) to convince me to set another appt. Then as I was walking out the door I actually apologized. He stopped me and assured me that no apology was needed saying that I was not aggressive or passive, but assertive. At the next appt I again brought up that I was still angry and didn't understand the "why" of his saying what he had. We worked thru it and the anger dissipated. I guess that was a good start to expressing anger in therapy.

 

[Sandra]

And one thing one better not do with me is laugh if I am angry. Then one might be seeing a whole new level of anger and one doesn't want to push me to that level believe me.

 

[purple butterfly]

Just seen my T and we have been talking about suppressed anger. We have touched on it a few times but not in too much detail. People who know me think that I am the calmest person they have met, obviously they can't see what is going on inside!! I am an expert at blocking.

Today I realized it is a huge issue for me, that I need to start investigating. Thank you for these posts I can't add anything yet but hopefully in the future I can.