Childhood Surviving an abusive childhood

[saraemerald]

I wish I could find others that could relate to me. I'm sure there are others.
My childhood was so bad and insane that to survive it every day, I tapped into my deepest coping mechanisms and focused on the positive or I focused on nature or on God. Unlike many peers, I liked school because it was an escape from home and my teachers were nice. I liked church too because it was also an escape. So unlike many of the other kids I grew up with I was weird because I excelled in school, I liked my teachers, I was respectful and nice to people, and I smiled all the time when I got to be with other people other than my family.
I guess this was a weird way to be because I got made fun of and bullied by my peers in addition to already being isolated from them because I grew up in a religious cult that prevented their members from being friends with others outside it. I even got worse grades on purpose to fit in when I was in middle school and worked from an early age so I could earn money to buy my own clothes since the clothes my mom made me wear were embarrassing and outdated.

Anyways, no matter how many chores my parents piled on me while my sister got to stay in the house and play, no matter how much I was bullied, no matter how abusive my parents were to me, no matter how isolated I was from people, I still smiled and felt like a positive person. It kind of made me feel dumb though. Like why didn't I ever retaliate or express my anger about certain situations that would normally invoke anger in people. Why did I choose to think positive about a bad situation no matter how painful? I thought it was making me a stronger person, more patient, better self control, more mature, more loving, more understanding, etc. But then how come I was embarrassed about how positive I was no matter what bad things happened in my life?
As long as I had faith in my God, I was fine I guess. =/

 

[saraemerald]

I something wrong with me because I chose to try my best to survive my childhood and still have a positive attitude no matter what others did to hurt me?
I wanted to be a good person, a loving person. I wanted to be a good, loving mom one day and prove that no matter what others do to you doesn't mean you have to turn out dysfunctional, you can rise above it.
But how come others who didn't even have as bad as a childhood than me are so mean and disrespectful? Am I just being judgy and self-righteous? Is something wrong with me!?
I choose to try and be the best person despite all the awful things I had to go through, some of which was extreme, but others who didn't even have it nearly as bad as me feel the need to be nasty to me? Why?!
Is it because I had a strong faith in God (now that's debatable) and I am trying to be a good person? And rise above horrific things?! Well sorry!?
I am not trying to be self-righteous if that's what you think I am! I was not trying to be a teacher's pet when I was in elementary school and my teachers happened to be a lot nicer to me than my parents. And sorry for having strong faith in a God when that was one of the only things that kept me surviving my childhood.
Oh, and I am so sorry that I had PTSD so bad and nervous system was so fu*(ed up that I had constant intense chest-aching anxiety which I always tried so hard to hide the symptoms but I guess having PTSD made me an uncool friend to hang out with and party with. Or sorry I came from a fu*(ked up family, not my fault, which made it even more uncool to hang out with me.
I still had a smile on my face at this point and decided to move to another congregation to find nicer people, which I did.
But anyways, that's not even any of the messed up sh^t I experienced and witness that put me over the edge from being a sweet, smiling person, to the me now, trying to let go of self-blame, aggression, anger, pissed off all the time and anxiety from the confusion of leaving a cult that shuns and trying to keep your brain straight

 

[NaeNae75]

I understand. It's not the same, but I went to a very strict Catholic School growing up. We literally went to church every day. It was a very small school and church. My childhood was quite abusive, and much like you, school and church at that age felt like an escape from the abuse my parents placed on me.

I excelled in school, and I felt a sense of belonging at church and at the time accepted all of the Catechism at face value and it sort of messed me up too, but I didn't realize it until later in life.

I came to realize in time, I had massive shame from not being able to live up to the religious ideals I was indoctrinated with. I felt hopeless and believed the fire and brimstone for any little thing I would do wrong.

After I experienced sexual abuse, I felt responsible somehow and that I would end up in hell because I wasn't pure anymore. I believed honoring my parents meant I deserved my abuse from them too. I believed that even though I tried so hard to be good and follow God's word, I was bad and deserved to suffer. I was suicidal, but couldn't commit suicide because of the genuine fear of eternal damnnation.

I still have some hangups to this day. I still believe in God, but also don't know to what capacity, or how to deal with organized religion.

I, too, have also been accused of thinking I'm better than others. How laughable! It took a long time to even tolerate or like myself let alone think I'm better. But I still try to hold myself to a high standard. I'm very much a "rule" follower and I avoid people that aren't. I don't like drama and chaos.

But I really don't feel I'm better than anyone, really. I do think I'm capable of making better choices than some do, though.

I don't know if this helps or not. I just figured maybe it was similar. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone.

 

[Reply]

I understand. It's not the same, but I went to a very strict Catholic School growing up. We literally...

Thank you for replying. Our stories are similar, especially with be more accepted at church than our own families. I suffer from high expectations and standards too which I was able to follow and feel good about myself but I got tired of being a nice, patient, strong person all the time

 

[saraemerald]

I understand. It's not the same, but I went to a very strict Catholic School growing up. We literally...

Sorry. I typed out a whole reply two times and both times it required me to name my post and never posted it for me.
Anyways, thank you for replying and yes, our stories are similar in some respects, especially with us feeling more accepted at church than by our own families

 

[joeylittle]

I typed out a whole reply two times and both times it required me to name my post and never posted it for me.

That means, you weren't logged in. When logged in, your user name will automatically appear. If you keep having problems with this, please open a help-ticket.

 

[lostnconfused]

Perhaps reading the stories and tips from other abuse survivors on a Buzzfeed article, "This Is What Sex Is Like After Sexual Assault" might help. Several of the survivors who were raped or grew up abused for several years said they were looking forward to changing their future, despite what they'd been through, and gave messages to other assault survivors that they're not alone and don't need to feel ashamed or guilty.

I'm sorry I couldn't provide the link; I tried to, but this website said I didn't have the minimum amount of posts that would allow me to post website links.

 

[Mel]

I wish I could find others that could relate to me. I'm sure there are others.
My childhood was so...

I can relate...hid it for years. now am a mess..

 

[Chem Lady]

I can understand. I wasn’t treated well by my parents and I never fought back, never got angry. I was a good kid who was dependable and smart and functioned very well in society. I had coping mechanisms that hurt only myself, but I was kind and patient and loving to everyone else. Mostly, I’m still that way, however I have less patience now that I have PTSD and I struggle with feeling angry, but I still don’t take it out on others. When I wonder aloud why people are so awful and uncaring when their life has not been and currently isn’t nearly as hard as mine has been, I get told some nasty, sarcastic version of “well, you’re just better than everyone!”. I don’t think so. I’m just a person who doesn’t believe she has the right to hurt others. Apparently there aren’t many people like that in the world. It’s very depressing. I have no answers or advice for you. I guess just empathy. Keep being kind. Keep getting educated if you’d like to. Have children if you want and love them. Make your own life.

 

[Mel]

I can understand. I wasn’t treated well by my parents and I never fought back, never got angry. I w...

Very nice and uplifting ty....

 

[Effie]

The thing is, you don't know that they're life wasn't harder than yours.

The face I put forward at school, didn't tell people anything about what was happening at home.

 

[saraemerald]

The thing is, you don't know that they're life wasn't harder than yours.

The face I put forward at scho...

I know that

That's not what I was trying to imply