Childhood Surviving an abusive childhood

[Effie]

That's not what I was trying to imply

What were you trying to say? I don't want to put words in your mouth but as I understood your posts, you were saying in a number of different ways that you've been worse than these people.

In my observation, most of the kids being the nastiest to other kids at school, had terrible homes lives.

 

[saraemerald]

What were you trying to say? I don't want to put words in your mouth but as I understood your posts, you...

You are very right about that about bullies and such. Then there are some who are terrified to do anything wrong ever because their parents use them as a scapegoat, won't allow them to breathe, always tell them they will never amount to anything, send them to bed all the time with no dinner, ostracize them from the rest of the family, the list goes on and on. I was scared and nervous and shy all the time and spent most of my time trying to survive and focus on the positive until I was old enough to move out. I was isolated so much in so many ways. I had to learn how to be human after leaving my family and struggling to maintain my sanity.

Plus, my family was not only weird but creepy. Lot's of strange things I had to endure growing up and trying so hard to "be normal" at church, at school, etc. No one was allowed in our house so I never had friend over, and because of the cult, wasn't allowed friends from school or outside the cult.

 

[Effie]

Plus, my family was not only weird but creepy. Lot's of strange things I had to endure growing up a...

I can empathize but remember while your experiences shaped you, their experiences shaped them.

I wasn't a bully as a kid. But school wasn't a sanctuary for me at all. Teachers can be cruel and for those who are their targets, anyone that the teacher likes is guilty by association.

 

[saraemerald]

I can empathize but remember while your experiences shaped you, their experiences shaped them.

I wasn't...

I really wasn't trying to compare. Please. I am only trying to share my story.
I have been hurt by many people, and I used to tell myself, well they must have been hurt or maybe they've been abused. I used to make up a LOT of excuses for people, OK? Doesn't make it right. Even though I've been hurt too, I effing go out of my way to not take it out on other people. I go oit of my way for healing so that when I have kids one day, I won't f#$k them up!

 

[Effie]

I really wasn't trying to compare. Please. I am only trying to share my story.
I have been hurt by...

I'm sorry you've been hurt a lot, but you are comparing. You're comparing your pain and your reaction to their behaviour. There's no point in doing this.

You can't control other peoples behaviour, but you can control your response to it. That isn't to say that your response can't be simply pain or anger. That's a valid response and it's not contingent on what they've been through. You don't need to prove that you deserve better treatment. Just existing is a valid reason to be treated fairly.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Anaïs Nin

Why do you try to justify your pain and anger with people who've mistreated you? What's the point of adding that you've been through XYZ and you didn't hurt people and did ABC instead? Is this a religious thing? I don't understand. It seems you're expecting people to have been taught the same values as you've been taught. For instance, I wasn't taught stealing was wrong as a kid. I was taught getting caught stealing was wrong. In my teens, as I started forming closer relationships with people, I started reassessing parts of my value system that I had grown up with. The whole not stealing thing was assumed to be an unrealistic tv family thing. I picked up some philosophy and ethics books and started considering what was right and wrong. Am I explaining this right?

You have every right to feel hurt. I just don't see the point in analyzing their experiences and relation to your pain and behaviour.

 

[saraemerald]

I'm sorry you've been hurt a lot, but you are comparing. You're comparing your pain and your reaction to...

I was trying to explain that because of my experiences, I was isolated in a lot of ways.

I totally understand that different people from various backgrounds, learn different values and have different behaviors as a result. I used to be very understanding and patient with certain people and crazy behaviors, because I realized where it came from. But I also endured hurtful, toxic behavior from manipulative people. I put up with some insane people way older than me when I was in my teens and twenties. In my mid-twenties, I fu#$king snapped because I was sick and tired of working hard for a religious cult while putting up with toxic behavior of people in the cult that were close to me. In that cult, we were taught to draw close to everyone in your congregation like family because we were going to survive the great tribulation together and we called each other brother and sister. In my congregation was a woman who molested my friend (my friend was disfellowshipped for being a lesbian), another person in my congregation threatened my life if I ever told anyone about her family (she was a crazy alcoholic I lived with for a couple years), another woman started spreading rumors about me to others in the congregation, the list goes on. My cousin was in and out of the hospital for being suicidal and I was one of the only people visiting her and helping her out, and this is when I returned to my home congregation from volunteering in a foreign language.
Anyways, I was used to "being positive", reading the bible, going to all their weekly meetings, praying, having faith in God, waiting for his wonderful kingdom to come and solve all the world's problems, keeping myself busy, blah, blah, blah. I just went through a mindf#$k and I feel like I am still straightening my mind and my life after cracking. I still have knots in my stomach and I feel so uncomfortable about myself acting so out of character because I started making so many stupid decisions one after another. I'm just confused and scared.

 

[saraemerald]

I've just had to be strong in sooo many weird situations, a fast moving life, crazy people, healing severe PTSD symptoms without parents in my life, meeting ALL the demanding requirements of the cult (almost every day of the week, every week of every year.)
I could go on and on and on. I have story after story after story. I just spent my life enduring and enduring and being patient and being strong and not truly having any feelings about anything. So I am facing my stories and feelings now. It's all coming out now, so I am trying to make sense of it all. I feel I have lost my intuition, my soul, my idealism, my hope, my innocence, a belief system. My head hurts.
I've lost all my friends and family because of that cult to. That's what this cult does to people that leave. You have to start all over

 

[Effie]

I've just had to be strong in sooo many weird situations, a fast moving life, crazy people, healing...

Okay, I think I'm understanding you, but you're not hearing me. Understanding where people are coming from doesn't mean anyone is telling you that you need to put up with it or allow it. I'm not suggesting that.

We have different experiences, but I do share some experiences with you. Moving around constantly and having selective mutism and having a father with PTSD, I have a good understanding of what being isolated is. You can be in a crowd and still be isolated. You can live in mainstream society, and still be isolated. I know what it's like to be required to be strong at all times. I never believed I had anything special about me or had any faith in anything. I started out life, believing there wasn't any future or anything to work towards. We were all going to die and that was that. I've had a pretty wild life, filled with some crazy characters. Many I'm related to. I don't remember being innocent.

I think the difference between us, is that you started out with a positive outlook. I started out with a negative outlook on life. Would I be right in saying you're feeling disillusioned? Have you considered that you don't have to rebuild everything right now? What's the rush? You have your whole life ahead of you to find the answers. My hope, my beliefs, my optimism weren't handed to me by parents or a cult. I've gradually been figuring them out over a matter of decades. I still don't have all the answers. There are lots of things that are still a mess. But it might help if you try focusing on what you can do, one thing at a time? You don't have to be optimistic or nice or anything if you don't want to be. Just prioritize what you need and start working on one goal at a time.

I don't think there is one right way to do things. And I obviously don't have all the answers. But I can just share what I've learned about myself and what works for me. If you want to focus on your anger and that's your first goal, maybe you could find a productive place to release it?

 

[davidfisher71]

I something wrong with me because I chose to try my best to survive my childhood and still have a p...

I would describe what you have been exposed to in that cult as "spiritual abuse". I have been through a lesser amount, but it still did me some damage.

The most healing thing for me were some talks (and a book) by a guy named Ken Blue, called Healing Spiritual Abuse.

 

[saraemerald]

I would describe what you have been exposed to in that cult as "spiritual abuse". I have been thr...

Thank you. I will check them out

 

[Deleted member 8714]

The only "normal" I can relate to is playing my flute in my bedroom for long hours. It was an escape mechanism, one of many which I had, because of the abuse going on in our family on a daily basis. I didn't do well in school because I couldn't concentrate due to DID (used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder) and the PTSD. It was hard to read books and comprehend what they were saying. Yet sitting on my bed playing my flute for hours at a time was the best escape ever. No one bothered me until dinner time because after all I was doing my "homework."

 

[road2theriches]

I myself had a horrible childhood. Now, i suffer from PTSD. Everyday, i have triggers. I still haven't figure out how to not be angry or sad for that matter. When i was just five years old, i caught my own farther molesting my sisters. I tried to tell on him and got beaten up for telling. After that, i will witness him raping them over and over for several years. Till i was eleven years old. I decided to speak up to protect my sisters. That led to his arrest and i had to testify against him. That was the hardest thing i ever did. Living the street life and having this trauma as a child, really mess me up as an adult. Now, i'm marry with two beautiful daughters. I don't drink or do drugs. Still i struggle everyday especially during the holidays. The thought of suicide runs through my mind almost everyday. What stops me, is thinking about my girls. Even thou i still have triggers, i still manage to stay positive.

I'm sympathetic with everyone in this forum. We all share a common disease (PTSD). To get out of the rut, i'm reading this book call The Secret. So far it's a good book. i'm trying to be positive and do something good in my life. Everyday is a struggle. I just keep praying, that the light at the other end presents itself soon. Stay safe everyone and remember to love yourself no matter what you experience in your past.