Symbolic Suicide

[Trinomial]

I told my therapist today that I've had the urge to just press a knife to my throat or to a vein in my arm. Sometimes I visualize just putting pressure there, other times I see myself slitting my throat open. I have no intention of actually doing this, I just think about it often.

His reaction surprised me. He thinks my Unconscious is telling me to give an aspect of myself to Death. Meaning, that scared, hurt, little girl who is always in defense mode is necrotic to my existence and I am ready to let her go.

In some Native American traditions, there is a ritual (usually done with guidance) of committing suicide (not literally, but letting an unhealthy part of the self die). It has a physical component, such as cutting off the hair or cutting the flesh plus prayer, etc.

If I had been talking to one of the therapists I was forced to see as a teenager and I said that, they would have had me locked up and drugged for being suicidal.

Does anyone else think that maybe they don't truly want to die, but rather, the SI is just the Unconscious letting you know that there is necrosis in your soul or mind and that it's time to let go?

 

[renee-des]

I think that explains things for me as well. I never actually thought about that. I have had thoughts about suicide. I have never wanted to die though. I would think of different ways I could kill myself. I knew I never would though. But, now that you have mentioned this, it just seems to make sense.

 

[VDWngr1355]

I think it does make sense that a part of us would like to die and our body is telling us to let it go. I have had the same urges as you and I more than likely wouldn't kill myself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Yes. I often had those feeling and flashes of SI ( for me it was mostly burning my hand on a stove burner.) But I did not want to die.

It does make sense to me! :)

I asked my T about this once and he said it was PTSD. He did seem the least bit worried after I told him that I was not suicidal, at all. He seemed to think it was pretty normal for PTSD sufferers.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes. I regularly get images of cutting, but I don't feel suicidal.

If I'm honest I don't tell my therapist, because I fear her not believing me and thinking I'm at risk. I would tell her if I thought I was a risk to myself.

I think for me, it's a metaphoric visual of the pain I'm feeling. But I don't make it a reality.

I've never thought of it being a visualisatrion of letting go. That is maybe something I should consider.

 

[Tinyflame]

I must say, I don't have that, I think just because if I have SI it's more like just stopping 'S', in terms of real-actuality.

However, I can see certainly letting things go. But it's taken me a long time to reduce my own self-rejection, so I think it would not work for me, as I already am inclined to self-reject the 'damaged' part.

But everyone is different, if it can be positive, that's good.

 

[Red Feather]

I have a lot of SI. I also always thought about parts of me that needed to die. Like I remember when one of my traumatic events happened, it felt like I was dying. And other people also told me that this is what the SI can mean, that a part of me wants to die and that I should let it. Symbolically of course.

I wish doctors could understand this more. I have been sent to the acute closed psychiatry for having SI, and also because I was so unstable that I didn't know I could control myself. I hated being there, but I guess losing control, was perhaps something I just needed to do, and so it happened in a safe environment.

I even wrote a song once where the lyrics mention this. I mean really, just to think, how often have I died in my life already?