Sympathy? Really?

[Amy Jo]

One of my biggest fears when people are questioning me as to what I have and what it's like is: they're gonna think I want sympathy.

Ha! Rambling off the countless labels our docs and therapists give us is merely a way to identify with others and to put it into some sort of category we can all wrap our brains around.

I hate pity. I hate sympathy, as most of us if not all of us do.

What we want is to be understood. And how can you make someone without it understand? I don't think it's fully possible, close, but not enough. And yet maybe there's no need for others to understand, its just our need to be accepted and understood.

It's NOT SYMPATHY I SEEK--feel that way too? When someone says "I'm sorry" I cringe, because why should they apologize?

I write a lot, and I used to fear that people would think I was doing it for pity. No, as a matter of fact I'm quite relentlessly selfish and did it purely to heal and understand and unwind the tangle in my head.

We want to know, don't we? Aren't we the biggest seekers of mysteries? or after mysteries?

We want a case-closed deal, knowing that may never happen, but we strive and fight none the less. And I think the questions about our "making it" evolve into broader, more wonderful things--questions as to who we are, faith, and love.

I'm sorry but sympathy is the last thing we fighters want.

Sorry this is kind of a rant.

 

[intothelight]

Personally, I think the phrase "I am sorry..." has several connotations. There are times that sympathy is appropriate when there is loss, injury, or illness. But in a broader context, I have used the phrase of "I am sorry...." in an empathetic response or as validation.

There are many times I have truly questioned whether or not something was really that "bad" and felt weak and/or worthless because my reaction to it. Sometimes when I hear an "I'm sorry...." I know that someone else views it as out of the realm of ordinary. It doesn't mean that I wallow or do not try to overcome the responses that impair my functioning, but it does help to know that my response is normal in the abnormal.

There are so many people here who have experienced horrible things in their lives and I am "sorry" those things happened to them. But their courage and resilience in the face of adversity never fails to amaze and inspire me. They have my admiration.

 

[ronin47]

I can understand what you mean. Nobody wants a pity party.

I do think it's important though to remember that typically sympathy is given out of a desire to be compassionate or kind. If nothing else it is generally socially accepted as the "right thing to do." It would be unfair in my opinion to meet such a sentiment with hostility.

You teach people how to treat you. If you show people that your trauma is not all encompassing of who you are as a person, then people will be less inclined to meet you with sympathy.

 

[Kintsugi]

Personally, I think the phrase "I am sorry..." has several connotations.

Several years ago I divorced myself from the phrase "I'm sorry" in favor of the Spanish "lo siento." I always appreciate examining literal translations vs. sentiment. The sentiment is "I'm sorry," but the direct translation is, "I feel it." I always wanted people to tell me this instead of "I'm sorry" whenever I opened up to them. Obviously they cannot truly "feel" it, but the idea is much nicer and more comforting to me. It is a declaration of impact.

 

[Srain]

My interpretation of what you wrote is maybe it's "pity" you don't want, which is something I can understand more. Personally, I don't want pity, if I'm discussing my anyone of my traumas or my life as a whole and the person shows no feeling what-so-ever then I'm would I assume I'd be talking to my someone like my family, not anyone I want near me quite frankly. Or the other reaction would be more along the lines of, "suck it up, you whiner!"

I think the horrors most of us have experience and the aftermath we deal with warrant, at the very least, a some reaction in the form of sadness or dismay that such things have happened to a fellow human being. I feel it when I see it in others, if not for myself.

MissAntiSunshine: I love that "lo siento". :)

Rain

 

[OKRADLAK]

I am all for compassion in this harsh world. I do feel others' pain so deeply it hurts and wish someone could feel mine. No shame in that.

No, the shame is on people who longer know how to feel compassion.
The shame is on people who make a sufferer feel ashamed for asking for something that can succor their suffering.
The shame is on people who have turned a human virtue into an article of shame, only because they fail in delivering it.

I feel that if someone is suffering beyond their ability to handle, well, yes, they deserve pity and compassion. Have we become so harsh to think that is bad?

The trouble, of course, is yes, we have become that harsh. The trouble is that few people really understand how to offer compassion without begrudging it. Compassion, pity, from one who knows pain and suffering is a great boon.

 

[complexmind]

I read somewhere in a book (trying to find it) that in some cases genuine empathy or sympathy are met with hostility because the person to whom the sympathy was shown either feels that attention is being drawn to their situation or that the sympathy requires a response that they are unwilling/unable to give or that it stirs feelings or vulnerabilities they would rather forget.

I agree with OKRADLAK. Sympathy and compassion (read love) are what makes us human. Without them we are reduced to intelligent robots.

“To love (sympathy and compassion) at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis

 

[sea]

Isn't sympathy just the outward expression of empathy? Empathy is kind of necessary for Human survival to be honest, it's why support groups even exist. I'm terrible at expressing sympathy. I always come off extremely vague and hollow and meaningless (I use "I'm sorry" a lot, if that's a clue). The capacity for caring here is enormous, and I wish I could figure out how to express myself half as eloquently as people here do.

If you don't want people to connect with you, you probably shouldn't be talking about your trauma to them in the first place, it's Human nature to connect. I connect with other people in the limited fashion this place provides just because I needed connection in order to move forward, it's impossible for me to think properly and process properly and I guess "heal" properly without connection to others.

I don't do it for sympathy, nor want sympathy (Like you said, we don't "want" sympathy and that is not why we do what we do), but sympathy is a natural by-product just because I am dealing with other Human beings. Therefore I don't freak out if someone offers me an "I'm sorry". I never even expected that much. It made me angry initially because I figure I don't deserve sympathy but it still continues to happen so I'm guessing it's a natural response to anybody who has trauma.

If you can sit down and think yourself through all of it without any outside input or connection by all means, that's what you ought to do. But by connecting other people to your trauma, if they have a soul, they will probably display sympathy toward you.

Pity, however, is a different story. Pity is condescending and belittling.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Complex, that is a great quote. Is that from one of CS Lewis' books or letters? It is reallyyyyyy good!!

As to the whole pity thing, I loathe when people who have no compassion use it.....like give you a pat and then run off and ask where everyone is going for dinner. Pity, if it is like that, is very inscensere.

BUt if someone really wanted to help....if their heart was right, well........

 

[complexmind]

That quote is from The Four Loves. The Problem of Pain has a lot of similar wisdom.

I guess maybe it's all about motive. If the motive is pure and right it says alot for what is being communicated whether it be sympathy, empathy or even pity.

I work for a very large non profit and we see it all the time. We have volunteers and staff that geniunely care and genuinely have a heart to serve and help and give from their soul. But we see recipients that for whatever reason are irritated if not angry at the people that are offering so much of themselves. I've heard the rants with my own ears about 'those people treating me like they are so much better than me' all because someone made a choice to put love in action and offer their best. On the other hand I have seen the volunteers that show up because someone made them or because they need a tax deduction. They have no real desire to give because it requires something of them. They only do it because it makes them look good and they actuallytake pleasure at the expense of the people in need. Psych 101 calls them sociopaths.

It requires an incredible amount of grace and mercy on both parts.

 

[Amy Jo]

yes maybe I'm just defensive or insecure about my own validating of the trauma. I do agree that "I'm sorry" is a compassionate response, it's the pity I don't like or try to avoid. Maybe pity is something we see in our own eyes and others are just trying to understand--I shouldn't be so quick to judge compassion. I clearly need to validate myself in my mind. I find myself telling myself "Be tough, don't cry...get over it..."

 

[Kintsugi]

yes maybe I'm just defensive or insecure about my own validating of the trauma... I clearly need to validate myself in my mind. I find myself telling myself "Be tough, don't cry...get over it..."

Amy Jo, I have a big problem with this myself. Sometimes I will disclose to someone and it is very brisk, matter-of-fact, cut and dry. Then there's this outpouring of emotion from them, and because that emotion looks sticky and warm and like maybe it'll thaw this layer of ice I've built up around my emotions, it's scary. And I'll laugh sometimes at their attempts to express sympathy, just because I want to maintain that I am "so over it."