T Just Threatened To Quit On Me!!

[Smile]

I just had one of my most "real" sessions. I'm a people pleaser and it comes out in my response to T as well. I try really hard to fight it... Not sure if I'm successful, unsuccessful or overly successful.

This session... T told me she's treated hundreds of cases like mine and and that I'm very "treatable". So she doesn't get why we're still stuck in the beginning stages. I have no idea either?! I'm the messed up one. I told her that. She suggested that perhaps I'm trying too hard NOT to be a people pleaser and that's why I rejecting all her ideas/suggestions/homework she's given me. I'm not sure.

End of the session she tells me, "we need to have common ground to work on, u understand?" I said yes and then I said... No. She explained: we need to work together in a therapeutic way otherwise she doesn't feel comfy taking my $. It would be unethical. If I want, we can meet for coffee as friends & have a great time.

So I asked her, "are you threatening me?" (Said in a humorous way) but she said, "kind of. But no, it's more about motivation."

I left so distraught. These sessions are one of the only things keep going me together but I feel like never going back. I DO NOT like being manipulated. I'm not a child.

Is this weird? Normal? Any of u ever have this?

 

[Ava Jarvis]

[deleted]

I realized my experiences are not useful here -- others advocating patience, doing stuff, and rethinking the situation are more useful.

 

[Lucycat]

She explained: we need to work together in a therapeutic way otherwise she doesn't feel comfy taking my $. It would be unethical. If I want, we can meet for coffee as friends & have a great time.

I take it she was putting this as a rhetorical question. Not that she has any intention of you two being friends, but that is how it is feeling to her - that she takes your money and you chat 'like friends over coffee' rather than doing therapeutic interventions.

It sounds to me like she is very astute and is not content with complacency but really wants to help you move forwards. If your instinct is to feel like a child being manipulated - then perhaps that is something to work on. I go straight to 'child mode' when I feel like I am being criticised. We have done a lot of work on that, - I still get the feeling, but I am able to recognise it for what it is and let it go.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think we're missing some context/intention here, or maybe I just feel like it would be helpful for you to expound further.

Was your T saying that she felt you were being willfully resistant to treatment? Was that the message? And she is trying to motivate you by spelling out her ethical boundaries? Because she feels that if you aren't committed to recovery, it is immoral to take your hard-earned money in exchange for little or no progress?

Do you feel you have been investing your time and energy into her treatment suggestions? Do you feel you've been putting in equal effort as she in your journey to recover?

Most of all, are you on a journey to recover? Or are you just in therapy to pantomime "going through the motions?"

I ask you all of this because something similar happened to me a few months ago. I was making progress, but it was slow, and I was being excessively resistant, and it took me several days to realize that I basically needed to nut up or shut up (not saying you take those words to heart; I require some amount of toughness in framing such things to myself). I went in next session, proverbially rolled up my sleeves, and f*cking showed up for my own healing. It was extremely difficult, but my therapy took a turn that was absolutely necessary for me to move forward.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't see any manipulation really.

Life is full of things where you need to do ______ in order to ______.

Many doctors will dismiss you if you're not compliant as its a waste of everyone's time.

Why are you rejecting everything that your therapist suggests? I think she has a valid point.

If you're not open minded enough to even try those exercises, even if you are clenching your teeth and muttering how ridiculous the whole thing is the whole time-----then what's the point?

The truth is that it's impossible to know if an exercise or skill is going to work just by looking at it----you must actually do it in order to judge it.

I suggest taking a leap of faith, letting your guard down, and trusting that your therapist has your best interests in mind.

If you want a chit-chat only therapist then perhaps find someone else? But word of warning, chit-chat only therapists won't push you much which ultimately results in minimal healing.

So I guess the question is whether or not you're willing to push yourself beyond your comfort zone so that you can heal?

 

[scout86]

and that's why I rejecting all her ideas/suggestions/homework she's given me. I'm not sure.

So, ARE you doing that?

 

[Ava Jarvis]

What I said earlier (now deleted) assumed you had attempted the exercises/suggestions at least.

I kind of always do the things at first? Even if in the past I didn't like my current T, I still tried what they suggested. My upset only came when it didn't actually work after multiple attempts.

 

[Crow]

Sounds very normal. Took me years to pass what is usually achieved in 9 months.

The thing that alarms me is the offer to be friends instead. That's really atypical and, I think, crossing the line.

 

[Air]

She explained: we need to work together in a therapeutic way otherwise she doesn't feel comfy taking my $. It would be unethical. If I want, we can meet for coffee as friends & have a great time.

My therapist said almost the exact same thing honestly, though it was in response to how I wasn't coming in with enough goals in mind for the session. I don't think it's meant to be threatening, and she probably doesn't honestly mean to quit, it's just sort of a nudge to work on certain things. Try to take her advice if possible, though it does sound a bit vague so maybe ask what she means, she's there to help you after all. She's probably just trying to give you the best quality service possible.

 

[Air]

The thing that alarms me is the offer to be friends instead. That's really atypical and, I think, crossing the line.

As someone else said, it seems more that she meant "we might as well just be friends if we don't have a good therapeutic relationship". I doubt it was an honest offer to just become friends, more trying to say that the way they are talking now is more like friends should be than a therapist/patient.

 

[Lifetraveller]

Hey Smile,

I have a bias towards you as the client. The therapist generally has more power than you or indeed any client/patient does in therapy and so I don't think we need to give much benefit of doubt to her beyond that we don't hear her side of the story directly.

I think for your therapist to say that she's "treated hundreds of cases" like yours and that you're "very treatable" is a sign that she should consider growing as a professional by getting training with an additional clientele. We are not cars going to a mechanic. We are human beings going for therapy, infinitely more complex and unknowable than something like a car which is made by people. We're talking about the human brain, one of the final frontiers of knowledge at the moment, not a car muffler. We are each as unique as a group of hundreds of clients. If she doesn't "get" why you're "still stuck in the beginning stages", that is up to her as the paid professional to figure out, not you. I'm surprised she shared that with you. It seems to be giving the responsibility for her perceived lack of progress entirely to you. I mean, maybe what she's asking you to do doesn't work for you in your case at the moment. She should be able to determine why and then change approaches accordingly.

I also think using "kind of" a threat to motivate a client is irresponsible. That could end up being a PTSD trigger.

I think it's entirely valid that you left feeling so distraught, that you felt like never going back, that you do not like being manipulated and that you feel that you're not a child.

As I see it, this all needs to be checked out with this therapist. For example, does she think you're not complying with her treatment plan? If yes, what does she think you're capable of doing and then trust yourself to answer whether yes or no *you* think you can do the exercises or whatever she's proposing.

I know this all takes a lot of energy on your part, but I think this is where becoming healthy lies, not only in what the therapist tells you. I think there are many paths to being healthy.

Keep in mind too that, even though it requires energy on your part, she's not the only therapist in the world and you can seek out another one if the fit isn't working.

I wish you a good journey.

 

[Sideways]

that's why I rejecting all her ideas/suggestions/homework she's given me. I'm not sure.

Was this a fair call on her part?

That seems to be the crux based on what you've written. My T told me (once - only needed to hear it once!) that he thought I "could be working harder". Man I was angry. The b@stard! He has no idea how hard this is. But then I decided, okay, he thinks I'm not working hard enough, then bring it. I upped my game, and it was painful, but the momentum it created for my recovery ended up being huge.

But if you are doing everything she's suggesting with all the energy you can, and it's not working, then...it's not working with her maybe...