T Thinks....it's Time To Be Done With My Mom.

[Panda Bear]

It's been a bumpy 10-12days.

After much work with processing trauma over the past 10wks, my mom popped into my life again and asked to see my kids. She had holiday gifts and such, all reasonable. When she called a bit ago, we talked for a 20-30min. But this time it got me, she repeated a bunch of key phrases that triggered a heap of a mess in me. My nightmares returned, panic, shame, anger. I began pushing T away, I became hurt again. I can't sleep, it's awful. She is back in me again, I feel so ashamed. I had therapy today, and we started to work through the dreams again, how this has affected me. T took a deep breath and told me he thinks she needs be done for the time being. Until I'm stronger and healthier, her being in my life obviously triggered enough of a mess to set me back. She isn't safe for me....

Not that we have a steady relationship, or that she is positive for me. But it feels like I've been punched in the gut.....I knew this was coming...I know he is right....I just sat there in his office and cried.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I would have to agree with your T. It would probably be the best. I am going through a much similar situation of my own but my T is on vacation.

 

[Panda Bear]

I know he's right, and I know it was said in love and not lightly. No to make me suffer or feel pain. He heard me say things that I hadn't said since I started seeing him. I put myself down, took blame and responsibility for matters that weren't mine to take.

T is only trying to protect me....

 

[Lucycat]

10 weeks in therapy is only a spit in the ocean. I agree with your T, you need far longer without your mother's intervention before you decide if she is gone for good. You need to protect yourself to enable therapy to help you.

It is harsh. My mum made her own choice - I have minimal contact with her.

 

[Panda Bear]

I've been in T for close to 4yrs :cry: @Lucycat

10 wks is what we spent really working hard on a specific area of my trauma. My mom popped in because of the holidays, minimal contact is what we've had for a while. Now we are going with no contact.

Sorry if I wasn't clear....

 

[kona355]

@Link Removed - I too had to pull away from my mother for a while at my T's urging. When I asked why he explained because the relationship at that time was toxic for me and if I was to survive I had to get clear for a while.

All the emotions of guilt and doubt about whether it was the right thing to do and frustration that I couldn't fix this with logic tore me apart. I followed through with separating. With time I came to see and understand why it was necessary. The first priority was my survival, to regain my strength enough to stand on my own identity.

It's been 23 years since that decision, and ... it's been worth all I had to go through in the aftermath. Though I explained it all to my mother with patience and kindness, her retort was to say my T needed counseling. To this day it defies belief, but I am surviving and doing better, still working on the aftercare necessary because of mental and emotional scarring from childhood.

The last thing that comes to mind is this: When taking care of ourselves it can sometimes feel really selfish, but it's not. People who are good at guilt-manipulation will exploit those feelings in order to control. My experience has taught me that to be free, to be who I am at my core, required struggle. That struggle was evidence of the bondage that had ensnared me by the users I had allowed into or to remain my life, as was the case with my mother. Actually, the choice was hers, I simply reacted to what had to be done.

All the struggle and pain and rejection are worth the freedom. It takes faith to believe this and to persevere until we are free.

Stay the course, be free -

 

[RavenGirl]

hen taking care of ourselves it can sometimes feel really selfish, but it's not. People who are good at guilt-manipulation will exploit those feelings in order to control.

Well said, my T says something quite similar. She calls it Shaming. The difference is this, we should feel guilty if we know we did something wrong to intentionally hurt someone. Thus feeling guilty. They shame us to try and make us feel bad, so we'll do what they want us to do even though we aren't in the wrong. It's all a mind game for them. You deserve to heal, you deserve to do what you need to do to help yourself get better. You should never feel bad for helping yourself get better. I too have had to cut 3 family members out of my life as they are triggers for me. .. Hang in there :hug:

 

[shell]

Cutting family is really difficult, I cut off my family permanently and at times I still feel guilty. My husband likened it to a weight being lifted off my shoulders, and while it feels bad as they get older it made a big difference to help stabilize me. I used to have to drink to handle being in the same room as my mother, really that should have told me something.

Learning to be assertive comes with therapy, and maybe later you will be able to have her in your life when you can protect your boundaries, or surprisingly you may chose to have a family of choice and not have someone who is toxic, but at least you can make that choice later. Good luck with whatever choice you make.

 

[Panda Bear]

Thank you everyone.

I realize now, that this is a long time coming and that in order for me to keep making progress, it needs to happen. She weighs me down, it's a looming obligation to see or talk to her when she calls, I'm a scared little girl again. Watching what I say, how I say it, waiting for her flip out or for me to hear from other family that she is angry with me. I can't handle it anymore, I shouldn't have to.

Just waiting for her to return my call so they I can share with her this new boundary. While I'm afraid, I have some peace over as well. Won't be the first time I've had to listen to her freak out on me. Certainly won't be the last.... It just feels weird, I know we won't EVER have a real relationship and what we did have was wrong and abusive, but it's all I've ever known. It was breed into me, by her....I must remain, I must comply, obey, submit, be her approval, compliment her, do for her, wait on her hand and foot. I had to need her.

Wrong...just wrong, but it still hurts