T Wasn't There For Another Session Today

[barefoot]

I agree with @watundah - a good therapist will want to know if their behaviour/words/approach impacts you. And a good therapist will never set out to intentionally hurt you or cause you any sufferering/distress. Yes, of course, sometimes ruptures in the relationship (as my therapist likes to call them) occur due to misunderstanding, unforeseen circumstances, error, a poorly chosen word, a momentary lapse in self-management etc... But then it is the therapist's responsibilty to own their part in that and to then work towards repairing and strengthening the relationship with you again.

I hear you re: not wanting confrontation. But confrontation suggests to me an aggressive stance - you purposefully going in to provoke and upset him and cause conflict. And I don't think that's what this is about at all.

A brief, factual, neutrally worded email - perhaps saying something along the lines of you have found it difficult lately when he hasn't turned up for a session or when your sessions have been cut short because he started late but then you didn't get to make the missed time up - is a very reasonable action on your part. And I would expect that it would open up a positive way to move forward with him. And if it doesn't - that will be on him, not you.

The bottom line is, if you don't bring this up with him, he will continue to do what he is currently doing, unaware of the impact he is having. And that means that you will continue to feel hurt, let down and abandoned. Because if nothing changes, nothing changes.

 

[scout86]

we started 15 mins late and again I was out the door spot on time and his next client hadn't even arrived.

This makes no sense. He's getting paid for his time. (He IS, right?) Not meeting his end of the deal is just wrong and unfair.

All I can think about now is how obvious it is getting that he wants to spend as little time as he absolutely has to stuck with me.

That's ONE explanation. There are others, right? And, since no one here is capable of reading his mind, we don't actually KNOW what he's thinking.

He has reassured me worth his words that he wants to work on this

As he said anything about HOW he wants to work on it? What have you done, so far, to work on this?

How can he not know or see?

Because he's human? Because he doesn't experience reality the same way you do (and a lot of the rest of us too) and he's got other things on his mind? And, maybe, he DOES know or see and this is his weird way of dealing with it? Or maybe something completely different?

I can NOT cause people any hurry or let them know if they hurt me

What would happen if you did?

I know him well enough now to know it would hurt him if he realized how badly this hurt me.

There are all kinds of ways of being "hurt". Most of them aren't the end of the world, really. HE, more than likely, doesn't experience "being hurt" the same way you do. (He's not in therapy, far as you know, dealing with an inability to stand up for himself, is he?)

I agree with the rest, that you should bring this up with him somehow. Look at it as an experiment. Your hypothesis is that you "can't let people know they hurt you". Test that hypothesis. It might be incorrect. Maybe it was correct at one time, but now it's outdated. How would you know, if you didn't try?

A bit less than a year ago, I had something similar come up with my T. When I finally confronted him (with the "if you want to quit seeing me just say so!" approach) it totally caught him off guard. Turns out he had 2 close family members seriously ill from unrelated causes AND he was moving his practice to a different town. (And it was Christmas.) And HE, although all this was really bothering him, thought he had it handled and that no one else (including his clients) would notice he was stressed. Well, some of us clients grew up believing it was life and death to be able to accurately read and interpret the energy of all situations and it's hard to put something over on US. Even if we tend to leap to the wrong conclusions about causes.LOL Anyway, it was really hard to bring it up, but we've had a much better working relationship since then. It was probably the single most useful thing "we" have worked on.

At least give it some thought as a possibility. I don't think it's accurate to say that you "can't". You might be afraid to, think it's a bad idea, think it would have bad consequences, lots of things. But "can't" isn't the most accurate word.

 

[joeylittle]

I know him well enough now to know it would hurt him if he realized how badly this hurt me. He is a very kind and caring person.

He's your therapist, and you are his client. It is, first and foremost, a client-provider relationship.

As a therapist, it's his own responsibility to do his own therapy/supervision on any emotional issues that come up for him in his work.

My advice: write down everything that has happened, in as neutral a structure as you can: meaning,

Nov. 28 (or whenever), there was no communication telling me the appointment time had changed.
(next date), the session started late but ended on time, so the full (hour) didn't happen.
(other date), I waited while another session went over, but again, my session ended on time.

And then, write out the thoughts you have, and the feelings that follow them: 'when you are inconsistent with my care, I think that you are looking to get rid of me, or spend as little time with me as possible. These thoughts lead to me feeling sad, anxious, (or whatever else).

Give it to him at the beginning of next session (or email it, if that's what you'd prefer), and ask that the two of you talk it over, so that you can re-build a working, honest foundation. Because remember: you aren't doing any of this to berate him or punish him, you are bringing it up so that it can be addressed and then put away, so that you and he can get on with the business of helping you.

It sounds like he is slightly over-scheduled, and would probably appreciate the chance to talk about what's been going on with how it affects your time.

Tiny story: my therapist and I often schedule check-ins over the phone. I used to get very worked up, emotionally, when he'd say he'd call at 9:30 and it wouldn't be til 10:15. I also know he has two small children at home, so I was torn between trying to be understanding and wanting to be treated properly. Finally, I realized that we should talk about it; and what came of that was my being able to say that if he knew he'd be more than 1/2 hour late, he should shoot me a quick email and let me know. Now, I know that it's a 30 minute window when he'll call, and he'll tell me if it's going to be late. We both feel much better about the arrangement.

Don't be afraid to engage on this one. It really is worth the conversation.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I definitely think you should discuss how his behaviour is making you feel. You shouldn't even be worried it will upset him. A therapist is meant to act as a safe container

http://relational-integrative-psychotherapy.uk/chapters/holding-containing-and-boundarying/

Link Removed

 

[Chava]

Unacceptable. And understandable that it's a huge issue for you. Excusing him might make you feel a little better but it doesn't sound like it's really helping. Also, this might not change if you don't bring it up (or find a different therapist) because there might be something else going on, aside from him being busy, directly with the therapist himself. I have no idea, but I've had these frustrations with profs or colleagues who were diagnosed with ADD. Once diagnosed they seemed to work harder to manage and not make life difficult for others. Or maybe he needs to underload himself and straighten out his priorities. He really might not see the problem here...might be somewhat oblivious. I don't know. It's fair for you to bring it up, but maybe you have to take your time and decide how you could do that. I know you're saying you can't. But consider options if this keeps happening...it's not fair for your therapy to suffer. Doesn't matter how fricking busy he is. My therapist is busy too, but she's there when I show up for an appointment.