General Tackle Hypervigilance Club

[holdenmonty]

I wouldn't worry about the profession. I worked on computers but because of the constant rocket attacks with some other things I ended up with ptsd. I have beaten myself up enough about not having some amazing story about a friend dieing in my arms or being blown up and all that. But I have learned you can't judge yourself because everybody handles stuff differently.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@holdenmonty: Please don't beat yourself up. It's a desease and you did not choose it, did you?
If you had the cold because you walked trough the rain you wouldn't beat yourself up about other people walking through thunderstorms, would you? This is a really stupid example. I hope you get what I mean to say.

because of the constant rocket attacks with some other things I ended up with ptsd

To my mind that is pretty bad. I would have ended up with PTSD too. Pretty sure.

Is he talking to a therapist or anybody about the stuff.

Yes. He is doing CBT with a civy therapist. I was in a group for people with civvy PTSD and their loved ones. He did not want to come and maybe it was a wise choice because there was not a great "group dynamic" and it was too theoretical. I like "hands on" better.

I might print thinks from this thread and other things from this boards for him. Am I by the way allowed to print everything or are tthere things which are too "private"? I am also searching for good books on the topic which see it from the "sufferers" perspective and don't tell him he is broken.

My next "to do" is to make a list of things that will make going crowded places easier for him.

 

[holdenmonty]

I get what your talking about and I don't think that there is anything to private at least from anything that I have said. I have gotten to the point that the stuff that I have said I'm comfortable with sharing with others. If what I have gone through can help somebody else then what I have gone through won't be in vain.

 

[holdenmonty]

And I'm about to head out to my therapist appointment. We have talked through the PTSD stuff but now we are talking about how to get others to accept who I am now. The big struggle right now is that my wife and I dated a bit before I deployed so she knows who I was before and after I deployed and now I'm trying to get her to understand that as much as I have tried I can't and won't ever be able to be who I was before I deployed and that as I have been and am still learning the new me and how to work with who I am now that I am trying to figure out how to get her to understand that it will take baby steps. I'm thinking about this analogy even though it probably isn't the best... and you guys can help me change/word it so it wouldn't come out wrong but I'm thinking its kind of like her pregnancy with both of our boys. She gained some weight which is completely understandable and she still has the majority of the weight that she gained with our boys which I'm not saying she needs to loose or being critical of her because I still find her beautiful and I love her but her expecting me to be the person I was before would to me seem very similar to if I expected her to get back down to the weight she was before she was pregnant with our first son. Which I would never expect her to because that would be really rude and not 100% realistic but if it was her goal to get back to that weight then it would take a lot of effort on her part and it wouldn't happen over the course of a week or a month but take a commitment to take baby steps and wouldn't be appropriate of me to remind her that she's not where I would like her to be as she's in the middle of the process. But as it's understandable her weight is a sensitive issue so I know that would be a bad analogy to use and could be considered rude to use from her perspective so I don't plan on using it but I was wondering if you ladies have an idea of how I might be able to word it better to get her to understand.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@holdenmonty: To be honest: I don't think that weight is a good analogy. Like you already said it's a sensitive issue for many of us.
Unfortunately I cannot come up with another one but I will think about it.
Why do you think you need an analogy? Why not just tell her what it is like for you?

Maybe you could just say that she is not the person she was before the your boys were born but has changed in many ways. This is true for almost everybody... I mean just point out that our experiences shape us for better or worse.
Sometimes people also gain from a bad experience. Maybe you could start talking about the things you learned. My husband for example says that his experience makes him appreciate the things he has more. If the same happened to you you could tell her that you appreciate her now even more and then say that unfortunately your experince also gave your PTSD and that you are working on it but it needs time.
Tell her also how much you appreciate her support and that you understand it is not easy for her.
My husband told that a wife's support was the best medicine that made me feel just so proud and part of a team.

Is your wife in contact with other wives of guys with PTSD? Does she have some "background information" about the condition maybe from books?

 

[holdenmonty]

I have a hard time sharing my feelings so analogies are a way that I can say how I feel without coming out and saying I feel.... but that is a good idea. At my appointment yesterday we talked about this as well and I have to be honest with her. I have attempted to share with her about PTSD but she has tried to let it go in one ear and out the other and different times when I have attempted to share stuff about my deployment she has asked me to stop. I think that might be why I jump to analogies as well is because I feel like if I'm not out front with how I feel then she might accept analogies better. I am a wounded warrior project Alumni where they help individuals that have been deployed from 2001 until present and they don't just help you but they provide support for your family as well and I have tried to get my wife involved but as the saying goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. It's very tough for her to accept help of any kind but there is a church that we are involved with has a lot of military wives in it so I'm hoping that she will connect to some of them.

When I really think about it and get down to the roots of my thoughts what I'm really trying to do by picking and choosing my words carefully and using analogies is that I'm trying to protect her from fully knowing because I'm afraid that if she knows everything then she will think of me more of a monster that she has to protect our kids from instead of her husband who is trying to keep this monster from rearing it's ugly head.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@holdenmonty: That sounds complicated. Maybe thinking of this stuff scares her.

Does your church offer marriage counseling or pastoral care? Not saying that there is something wrong with your marriage. Just thinking that they might help you explain it to her. I wish I could say something more helpful but unfortunately I have no idea how to handle it.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Meanhwile I had some crazy fears that I did not share with my husband as I did not want to burden him.
A health scare - I don't want to go into detail because it is silly anyway. Our family doctor seems to love scaring people. He has scared me several times before making me believe I had the worst diseases and it always turned out to be something harmless. Now it is happeneing to me again.
Afraid our kids will suffer because of our fears or won't be able to experience what it is like to have normal, relaxed parents.

 

[holdenmonty]

Well I talked to her about a lot of stuff in an e-mail even though I hate telling her important stuff in an e-mail but I can make sure that I am using the right words in an e-mail and told her that but anyway. I told her about my feelings about my ptsd and wanting to make sure that shes reaching out for help from others and taking care of herself and how it is a struggle for me and I need her support and fighting it together and she told me about how she talks to a friend we both have from church that has non combat related ptsd and asks her questions and asks her husband questions about how he is able to handle things. Then after our conversation I realized that it was just my worry that she was feeling like she's alone and doesn't have an outlet to ask questions and vent/talk to about different things but found out that she does have that outlet and things between us are much, much better. I did ask her about coming to one of my therapy appointments and she really doesn't want to do that so I'm not going to push it. I think my wife wants to know enough to be informed but that is about it which works for me. I also told her that she can ask me any question and I will do my best to answer it.

I did see a video on youtube that a soldier that deals with ptsd made a video of what it's like living with ptsd and it's very accurate, it is a bit graphic but a really good video and I really like how it shows the guy getting ready for school putting things in his backpack and then flashes to him putting on his body armor and getting ready to go out on a convoy and it's amazing because I do the exact same thing. I have "my area" where I have my hat and all my stuff neatly organized in my hat and before I go out the door I put the stuff into my pockets and put on my hat before I go out the door.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I am happy to hear you talked/mailed to her and that she has someone to talk to and doesn't need to feel alone.

I did see a video on youtube that a soldier that deals with ptsd made a video of what it's like living with ptsd and it's very accurate, it is a bit graphic but a really good video and I really like how it shows the guy getting ready for school putting things in his backpack and then flashes to him putting on his body armor and getting ready to go out on a convoy and it's amazing because I do the exact same thing. I have "my area" where I have my hat and all my stuff neatly organized in my hat and before I go out the door I put the stuff into my pockets and put on my hat before I go out the door.

What is that video called? Is it scary or what do you mean by "graphic"?
Have you heard about "Lord of Chaos". I have been told that it is a good video about PTSD but I have also been told that it is scary. Have you watched it? If yes, it is really that bad. If no, I don't know if I should recommend you to watch it because I have been told it is very good but drastic.

 

[chicken sammich]

Hello! Had a great date with my man yesterday. He talked about me with his therapist this morning, and she was happy he has someone that supports him. He also shared with her that I have researched about PTSD, and how much it meant to him that I cared so much, and that he felt safe opening up to me and sharing. I am so proud to be his girlfriend. We went to the fair yesterday and had a blast. Although he was always looking around from his hyper vigilance, we laughed and enjoyed the day. The crowds were manageable and we ate our way through the place. It was a great day. Happy to share this good news with you my friends. I hope you all are well and safe. xo

 

[holdenmonty]

By graphic I mean pictures of a couple dead bodies one with the head split open let me see if I can post the link. I attempted to last time but it said I didn't meet the post requirements to post a link yet.