Sufferer Taking Advice And Reaching Out

[Pinkcake]

At the advice of a therapist I am reaching out to other people familiar with PTSD. I was diagnosed two weeks ago. I've also been put on medication.

I developed PTSD after watching my father have a massive heart attack and die in front of me at our fourth of July cookout. I'm not ready to discuss the specifics because when I do, I have terrible nightmares for days afterward.

Aside from the classic symptoms of nightmares, reliving the event, depression, fatigue, insomnia (which I'm sure is because I don't want to have nightmares) and anxiety I also have a severe problem with being constantly worried that the rest of my family is going to die, especially my mother. Its so bad that I have panic attacks if I see or hear ambulances I have to call her and if I don't get her I really start to panic.

I thought what I was experiencing was "normal" but the docs say it is normal for a while, but its not getting better and the anxiety is getting much worse.

It is effecting my work and my ability to be the best mom I can be. I don't like that.

So, I'm here. I'm not exactly sure HOW to reach out as I've always been a self sufficient person and feel shy about reaching out. I hope to learn to start healing soon. I want to stop worrying....I think that is my main goal.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Pinkcake,
Sorry you experienced this and welcome here.

I too find it difficult asking for help.

 

[nimkekaa]

I also have a severe problem with being constantly worried that the rest of my family is going to die,

I remember making my hubby promise me that he would come home after my grandfather died. The poor man couldn't go anywhere without me terrified that he would get hit by a car or something else equally horrible. So I understand some of where your coming from.

I have found this forum to be very supportive and informative. I hope you do too.
Welcome!

 

[Shellbell]

Hi Pinkcake,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum :)

I'm really so sorry for your loss and how it happened and everything you are going through.

I'm glad you have reached out for support here and are seeing a therapist.

Take your time looking around the forum.

Shellbell

 

[Me2]

Hello Pinkcake,

I hear you, after my uncle died I was afraid my parents or my brother would be next and would worry myself into panic attacks. Though I've learn how to stop them or at least mitigate their effects. Here is what I do: I breath in deep through my nose and exhale slowly through my mouth. While I'm doing this I imagine I'm doing something I enjoy (in my case it's scuba diving). Warning don't put people you know into the imagination because that will just ruin the peace that the imagination brings to you.

This helped me and wouldn't be a bad idea if you tried it. Since this happened recently I don't know if this will be effective. So I think you should keep going to therapy, but while there dig deeper into your emotions. I know it's painful but trust me if you don't it will get burried and it will get much worse. Don't try to go into your emotions without the help of your therapist. The mind is a dark and dangerous place and you need a therapist that can guide you through it. Trust me I tried to bury my feelings but it only made things worse for me. I don't want to see that happen to you. Since it's recent it will be easier to work through. PTSD is just basically unfiled paper work on that traumatic event. But if you wait to deal with it then you will lose the paperwork and it will take longer for you to sort through it.

Me2

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I lost my son to a motorcycle accident and was worrying that I would lose my daughter as well. It bothered me for awhile. I am sorry for what you endured and suffered. I wish you well. I hope you will be feeling better. It is nice to meet you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Pinkcake,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

I am sorry to hear about your loss. Yes, the fear and intrusive thoughts disrupt life so much, but the good news is that it can get better. There is a lot of good information in the PTSD section as many here have had to work on the same things and have shared various ideas and methods. Also the support here is wonderful as you work on healing.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Well done on reaching out and posting your introduction.

 

[Katz2]

Hi Pinkcake, glad your reaching out, I joined two days ago to do the very same thing and reaching out, I'm so glad I did, I'm up and down like a yo yo, and I'm glad to say I feel this forum is helping me. There is so much information on here to get you started, and plenty support. :hug:

 

[anthony]

Welcome to PTSD Forum.

 

[Pinkcake]

Thanks for the welcome. I haven't been able to bring myself back here because just the initial post and thinking about what happened dropped me down into a depression.

I just don't UNDERSTAND. I've never had these issues before and I've always been a happy, optimistic person who helped OTHER people keep a positive outlook. Now I can't do that for myself and it is so frustrating. I TRY but I just talk myself out it. People deal with much MUCH worse trauma than I had and it makes me feel bad that this is bothering me so badly.

Therapist (I'll call her C), says to talk about what happened so that I don't relive it all the time. To get it out there because bottling it up and keeping it to myself is not good. C says I want to keep it private so I can make myself miserable because I couldn't help my dad when he needed it most. That I feed the guilt that way. I guess I can see that.

So, here it is. I'll put it out there.

On July 4, 2012 we were having our family cookout. I have a lot of siblings and in total there were about 25 of us children/grandchildren there. I got there early (around 3) to help mom finish cooking what was left to be done and I KNEW my dad didn't feel good. He had early stage emphysema though and it was VERY hot and VERY muggy that day so it was acting up. He said he was fine. My mom and I tried to get him to go to the hospital because he said that his inhaler wasn't helping but he had been to the hospital 3 times in the last few months because of it and they only gave him a steroid shot and sent him home.

Anyway, every one gets there to cook out around 5:30. My dad is up walking around and going out to the grill and just having good conversations with all of us. he seemed tired, but okay.

So, I'm outside with my 2 year old and most of the rest of my family except for 2 of my brothers. They are inside with my mom and dad. All of a sudden my brother comes out the front door and yells to call 911 and screams "Where's Rebecca?" his wife, who is a nurse. I go in to find out what's happening and walk into my parents bed room and see my dad on the floor convulsing, foaming at the mouth, vomiting and this awful awful rattle noise that I later learned is referred to as a "death rattle". They have his shirt off and my brothers and my sister in law are performing CPR on my dad but he's turning blue and not breathing. This is the part I relive and have nightmares about.

I'm trying to get through to 911 (but I get put on hold) and find out later that my mom is on the phone with them. She rushes us outside. I am trying not to panic and I'm waiting on the ambulance but it is taking forever for them to get there. The do finally arrive and they go in to work on my dad. They wheel him out and he is blue and I already know but I have hope that he is breathing because they are using the bag and pumping oxygen in him.

I get a sitter and go to the hospital and the doctor comes in and tells us that we probably already know but that our father didn't make it and do we want to see him. I couldn't. I COULD NOT go back. I just remember my family wailing. I remember my brothers crying. I remember my brother G saying that he hated himself because as much as my dad always helped every body, the one time my dad needed help that he failed him.

MY guilt comes from not making my dad go to the hospital when he was feeling so bad and I KNEW it. If he would have gone earlier in the day they could have saved him. Maybe they would have discovered it and he wouldn't have had the massive heart attack that killed him. I would STILL have my dad here. I have this thought in my head that I could have changed the outcome.

I remember going to my mothers house to stay with her so she didn't have to be alone. The next few days are a blur.....I remember the days but not the details of everything. I just remember going along with what ever one said to do and then it was done. I have been to my dad's grave only 2 times since his death because it makes me so sad to go. I'm not to the happy memories that people say will eventually come.

I miss my dad so, so much. Then in October, I separated from my husband. I just up and moved out of our house and got an apartment. C says I'm making decisions to quickly and I'm not to make another major decision without talking it through with her for at least 6 months.

I am having a hard time accepting that this is PTSD but whatever it is, I just want to get better.

 

[JustBe]

Hi and Welcome:)