presentjoy
Silver Member
J and I have been living together for 4 years.
In earlier times, before this spring (when stuff happened and the lid came off our trauma pasts), in general I was clingy, and J would take space by working overtime, or dive into a project and basically push me away. I felt wary to even ask if he wanted a snack, because of how prickly he could be when he wanted his space and was focused on a project. I have always needed space too, but in general would feel lost in these times J needed space. Sometimes he would sleep on the couch, and it was not because we'd have a big fight but because he was needing even more space, and would stay up watching movies until he fell asleep. That's how he explains it.
Since J is on the forums too, I'm more wanting to talk about my own struggle with space taking and how to support J when he also has triggers with abandonment. So in addition to it being hard for me to take space anyway, it's also the case that if I do, I can feel like I've hit a raw nerve with him.
I have a hard time taking space. As I said I'm clingy, but also feel scared about saying I need time to myself. In general, if I am overloaded or just feeling like I couldn't interact, I generally don't say anything. I am crappy about interacting though, and if overloaded enough, dissociate. When he would be angry at me for our communication difficulties, I would dissociate (I react this way to anger).
More recently. In the spring, before the stuff happened where J's life was threatened, we were struggling and talking about separating/divorce. There was one particularly difficult Friday night moment when I panicked after a fight and J stormed off, where I packed three days of clothes, enough to get me through the weekend, and fled. I had no idea where I would stay but I called friends, and found places to sleep. I had every intention on coming back, but I needed space. I came back but it really threw him into a tailspin, then the life-threatening stuff happened right after that, and we're still reeling.
About 1.5 to 2 weeks ago, we talked about splitting, which triggered J's abandonment fears, and he got very upset. I fled again, but this time I rented a storage locker, and took as much of my stuff as I could. It was more traumatic - I communicated to J that I didn't want him coming home while this move out was happening. I feel so bad for doing that. I think J still is afraid I'm going to leave. I really want to work on things, but I'm also scared. Part of it is a fear of feeling trapped.
I guess the nutshell of space? I seem to either be unable to identify when I need space and lack the communication skills to take space, OR I flee in extreme ways that are hurtful and upsetting to J (and damaging to mutual friendships, my friendships, etc). It destroys trust.
I have returned, and I have a separate bed set up in the next room. In general I haven't been sleeping there, but it's kind of good to have, it feels like. In a way, it's just that it represents a space that is mine, that I can go to. It could easily be a beanbag instead of a bed I suppose.. Although if it felt like maybe we need overnight space, it's good to have the extra bed. No one sleeps well on the couch.
Anyway, this all could get into a discussion of the whole bigger dynamic, and maybe that's necessary, but I'm wanting to ask specifically about space. I think it's not an unhealthy thing in a relationship, to take space -- it can be restorative, and allow us time to do some self-healing, see friends, pursue hobbies, etc.
To clarify, I guess, these are my questions:
1. How do you identify you need space?
2. How do you communicate you need space?
3. If you have panic/urges to flee, how do you not flee?
4. How do you take space for yourself (what do you do when you take space)?
5. What are ways to do this with someone who has abandonment triggers?
6. I forget what number 6 was supposed to be.
Thanks for reading.
In earlier times, before this spring (when stuff happened and the lid came off our trauma pasts), in general I was clingy, and J would take space by working overtime, or dive into a project and basically push me away. I felt wary to even ask if he wanted a snack, because of how prickly he could be when he wanted his space and was focused on a project. I have always needed space too, but in general would feel lost in these times J needed space. Sometimes he would sleep on the couch, and it was not because we'd have a big fight but because he was needing even more space, and would stay up watching movies until he fell asleep. That's how he explains it.
Since J is on the forums too, I'm more wanting to talk about my own struggle with space taking and how to support J when he also has triggers with abandonment. So in addition to it being hard for me to take space anyway, it's also the case that if I do, I can feel like I've hit a raw nerve with him.
I have a hard time taking space. As I said I'm clingy, but also feel scared about saying I need time to myself. In general, if I am overloaded or just feeling like I couldn't interact, I generally don't say anything. I am crappy about interacting though, and if overloaded enough, dissociate. When he would be angry at me for our communication difficulties, I would dissociate (I react this way to anger).
More recently. In the spring, before the stuff happened where J's life was threatened, we were struggling and talking about separating/divorce. There was one particularly difficult Friday night moment when I panicked after a fight and J stormed off, where I packed three days of clothes, enough to get me through the weekend, and fled. I had no idea where I would stay but I called friends, and found places to sleep. I had every intention on coming back, but I needed space. I came back but it really threw him into a tailspin, then the life-threatening stuff happened right after that, and we're still reeling.
About 1.5 to 2 weeks ago, we talked about splitting, which triggered J's abandonment fears, and he got very upset. I fled again, but this time I rented a storage locker, and took as much of my stuff as I could. It was more traumatic - I communicated to J that I didn't want him coming home while this move out was happening. I feel so bad for doing that. I think J still is afraid I'm going to leave. I really want to work on things, but I'm also scared. Part of it is a fear of feeling trapped.
I guess the nutshell of space? I seem to either be unable to identify when I need space and lack the communication skills to take space, OR I flee in extreme ways that are hurtful and upsetting to J (and damaging to mutual friendships, my friendships, etc). It destroys trust.
I have returned, and I have a separate bed set up in the next room. In general I haven't been sleeping there, but it's kind of good to have, it feels like. In a way, it's just that it represents a space that is mine, that I can go to. It could easily be a beanbag instead of a bed I suppose.. Although if it felt like maybe we need overnight space, it's good to have the extra bed. No one sleeps well on the couch.
Anyway, this all could get into a discussion of the whole bigger dynamic, and maybe that's necessary, but I'm wanting to ask specifically about space. I think it's not an unhealthy thing in a relationship, to take space -- it can be restorative, and allow us time to do some self-healing, see friends, pursue hobbies, etc.
To clarify, I guess, these are my questions:
1. How do you identify you need space?
2. How do you communicate you need space?
3. If you have panic/urges to flee, how do you not flee?
4. How do you take space for yourself (what do you do when you take space)?
5. What are ways to do this with someone who has abandonment triggers?
6. I forget what number 6 was supposed to be.
Thanks for reading.
