We are down to one income which I struggle to keep money in the bank to pay the bills because she'll spend it faster than I can earn it. Over the course of the last 6 months she's blown through $16,000 and has forced us to live off of credit cards at times.
This could be many things. One of the mental illnesses. I think Borderline before I think bipolar mania. Risk taking. Over spending is actually listed in the diagnosic criteria for Borderline being part of risk taking in the DSM 5:
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
* Bolded for emphasis.
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Bipolar has risky behavior as a diagnostic criteria symptom but I am just saying that it could be BPD causing that. Which would mean that it isn't about mania but about emotional degregulation/distress intolerance or even abandonment issues. I have BPD but don't over spend.
I have other risky behaviors. But I could imagine a few things that its about. Feeling like she has to have certian things it show that she has more money then she has to make her feel accepted by others. Even dressing nice/expensive and have expensive stuff to look prettier.
Spending can become an addiction as it's a high when you buy something so that is likely adding to it and one may be just very material ans that could cause it but usually that is also a symptom.
she yells at me constantly over everything.
I do as well. That is emotional deregulation, for me. Those with BPD feel every emotions at their most extreme. So a bit irritated and I become uncontrolable rageful. A little down and I am on the edge suicidal. It is just the most extreme possible for each emotion. Also the yelling/explosions are pure anxiety. My anxiety spikes super fast to its most highest extreme possible in a split second so I can explode while talking about the weather but its not about the weather but about anxiety and usually pushed down crap of completely other things and it just came out by itself at that time. So, it looks like I scream about everything and about small things but in reality it has nothing to do with that small thing.
I don't have control over it. I am learning but really, in general, can't control it yet so what would help me in an explosion is if the person/people I am yelling at stopped talking, laid a boundry like "if you yell I won't converse with you and will only resume conversation once you are calm". So you are stating what you are & aren't doing. You aren't yelling them to stop yelling or stop getting mad or it's not that big of a deal or whatever and then either walk away or stop talking. I still yell, in general, when they have walked away. But I am yelling at myself (which I do all the time). It's like talking to yourself but yelling. But if the other(s) disengage, it gives me a chance to calm down and regain my abilty to think/regain my head as at the time of the explosion I can't think rational at all. It is impossible. But as I am yell talking to myself, I am slowly regaining rational thinking (and often think "why am i yelling? This is so stupid!") and regaining control.
DBT is amazing at teaching emotional regulation, distress tolerence, distraction and self soothing techniques. It is
the tool I use for getting control of the behavior. That and medication helps to dumb down the intensity of emotions a bit. So not at normal range but closer to normal. That paired with DBT and I am really getting better.
I would also get your kids fully out of it and out of earshot if possible. Make a point to lay a boundry that there is no yelling in even earshot of the kids. I would lay that boundry inside of a very calm conversation. Not when she is all charged. Gain her agreement and then when she is yelling and if she doesn't stop yelling then don't just disengage yourself and leave but also take the kids with you. "We are leaving now but will be back in a bit. To give you some time to calm down then we can resume this conversation". And/or "we agreed that the kids cannot be in earshot of yelling and so me and the kids are taking a drive/a walk/a bike ride/anything that takes you and them out of the house and away from the yelling for enough time to calm. Maybe just outside to play. That time is different for all and, for me, differers per situation and how aware I am of my anxiety.
If at night and/or a time you can't take the kids anywhere then get them out of the room and disenage from the convo completely. Chance are, she will calm faster if she sees the kids being taken out of the room as it is easy to tune out the fact that they are actually there.
These are just ideas that help me when I am yelling/exploding.
She threatens me with divorce at least once a week, some times more. I have no clue how to help her and I feel like my only course of action is to leave.
You can't help her. She must help her (usually with a therapist's help). So get that out of your head.
And if someone constantly threatenes me with divorce I would say "don't threaten unless you are willing to follow through" and then if she threatened I'd say "ok, lets go to the courthouse now then".
My point to all of this is that there are things you CAN do that will help in the moment but she must be willing to help herself in some way. My opinion is you need a martial counselor and then BOTH of you need individual therapists but even a step to help (like buying the DBT workbook off Amazon and be willing to go through it) shows that she wants help and may just be afraid of gaining help. I was forced into therapy. I knew I needed therapy and I wanted help. I didn't want to feel and act this way. But I was terrified of therapy. So any sign in that direction I would say is good.
I disagree that she may need inpatient and that it is hard to find a therapist that knows all three disorders. All of them a trauma therapist can generally treat. So as long as there is a psychiatrist (either the therapist themselves or a seperate PDoc) to prescribe meds.
She may need inpatient but going off of just this info I wouldn't say that would be necessary but I'm not a Dr or a therapist.
Seriquel XR (extended release. Now in the US the generic Quetiapine XR) is prescribed for borderline and bipolar and it is a medication that dumbs down intensity of emotions and helps bipolar to not get as manic or as low. So that by itself can have a huge positive effect.
There is hope but it all rests on her shoulders to move toward help.
