Taking The Plunge

[Krackerjan]

I've been diagnosed with complex ptsd, hallucinations / psychosis and dissociation, with sleep phobia and night panic attacks (I forget the big words) after several years of extreme violence. I'm having difficulty finding out info or access to psychologists so I can cure myself so I am hoping to learn from this forum. Nobody will advise me, but when I make decisions my family jump up and say "you can't do that! You're doing too much!", yet if I make no decisions, they say "You should be getting better and back to work". I can't win!

I have horrific sleep experiences, with panic attacks and sensory hallucinations keeping me safe by preventing me from sleeping (which is when the violence happened). I never sleep until dawn and if I do fall asleep, I am quickly woken by vivid nightmares of my own gruesome death (complete with gore and disgusting movie special effects) which continue even after I wake up... freaky stuff... very unsettling. I have auditory music hallucinations that are apparently psychotic experiences, but I think they're just a stress safety valve thing because the music is quite nice. Everyone says "you must sleep", but I bet they wouldn't put an arachnophobic person in a room full of spiders, yet they expect me to jump into bed and doze off. Yeah sure.

I blank out for hours at a time, often 'waking' up after standing in one position for half the day... or walking along the road talking to myself. How embarrassing! I babble, can't speak clearly and my words come out wrong.

I have been trying to get help for 8 months and so far nothing.. psychologists always booked out, or just things go wrong. After all this time, I've only had 2 sessions of 'help' and they were useless because I already know stress exercises... and I need more than just lessons on how to squeeze my hands to release tension. I was so annoyed with that psychologist, what a waste of time.

I really need to get better, I just hate living like this, so I hope I can find some help here

 

[Gamereign555]

Hi and welcome. I can relate to your sleep issues, I had many of them just a few months ago and fortunately I think medication and therapy helped a lot, finding a therapist you can get a long with helps.. Finding a psychiatrist is pretty hard for a lot of us, but I do know most general doctors can and are willing to prescribe medications for these kind of hypnagogia, night terrors, things like that. Or have you already given up on your doctor? In my experience doctor's like to know you have a therapist before giving out some medications. If there are multiple clinics in your area chances are one of them has a psychiatrist though, but are they willing to take on another patient is another question.

The blacking out... I have seen this being spoke of in the forums lately, maybe there is somebody here who can relate. It sounds quite scary though. Sort of like sleepwalking or something, maybe from medication? Well again, welcome to the forum and I'm sure plenty of people here can identify with you.

 

[Krackerjan]

Hi gamereign, thanks for responding.

it's like sleepwalking, except whilst awake. I also sleepwalk whilst asleep (and have always done it occasionally, prior to ptsd). I find clues when I wake up, like the front door being open, or lawn clippings in my bed haha.

Is hypnagogia something to do with panic attacks during sleep? I heard the doctor use a word like that, about me.. he reckons I have panic attacks while I'm falling asleep, but to me they feel like living nightmares. I usually wake up and the full nightmare continues, like I'll feel the vibration of the heavy footsteps approaching me, or see a man looming over me, .. and the worst one was where I couldn't breath at all because I was dreaming I was being strangled by a shoe shop girl lol.

It's all very scary and isolating, isn't it. I've dropped all contact with friends and family. It's just too hard to deal with people at the moment, so I've locked myself in until I find a way to get better. I'm determined to find the answers.

I have seen a psychiatrist once, he prescribed some weird mind altering pill called risperdal. I'm not really happy about taking pills, but I'll give it a month or two then decide whether I'll drop it.

I have seen a psychologist twice this year, but she is always busy and not helpful at all. Is a therapist the same as a psychologist?

 

[Gamereign555]

Hypnagogia or Hypnagogic is like when you see or hear things in the very midst of falling asleep or waking up and it usually invokes a panic response. You might hear somebody saying something really close that sounds startling, you might also be in the same room you fell asleep in inside your dream, you wont know at first that it isn't real. But when you do realize that its a dream you freak out because it cannot be so, you wake up in your dreams sometimes adding to the panic, when you finally do wake up for real you might be in a sort of paralyzed state, aware and thinking about the dream, scared and just staring at the wall. It's hard to explain but it's worse than any normal nightmare is that has a story to it and then you wake up. These episodes are nothing like that and typically they occur just as you are going to sleep, a few miniutes into sleep or just as you are waking up. I have never heard of it happening while sleep walking, but it certainly seems to be in the same realm, a state of mind suspended between conscious and unconsciousness and perhaps dreaming.

Disassociation is something I have regularly sometimes, but there is also Depersonalization and Derealization, these two are often referred to as dissociation but they are not the same thing. It basically makes me feel like I didn't understand a word people say to me sometimes when were talking face to face, I just blankly agree and say 'yes'.

Depersonalization is like when you suddenly feel disconnected from yourself, and things you might look at feel disconnected from their surroundings as well, for me it feels like I got pulled back inside my head, its a very very bizarre feeling. Some associate this with 'out of body experiences' because your head actually might feel above, behind or below your actual self. If you could imagine looking at your Tv and then walking back away from it while looking at it, naturally everything around gets smaller as you go away from it, but the TV doesn't...that's another example of how derealization feels.

Derealization for me felt like, I suddenly got confused and briefly wondered where I was, I looked around and didn't exactly recognize what the objects were that I was looking at.

There seems to be no real barrier to these 'events' either, as I have experienced them both awake and while dreaming or while in Hypnagogia. And I believe they are closely related events only separated by 'when' they happen. Fortunately for me medication has gotten rid of these happenings. In my case I think it was related to crazy high levels of anxiety.

Psychologist like doctors usually like to specialize in something, the kind you probably want is called a trauma therapist. If you can't find one, you can get a list of many therapists at the dept of mental health in your area. Or human resources. The list I got includes type of therapist, experience in the field and maybe a breakdown of how they like to approach their goals with you.

Doctors are also specialists really, but finding one that deals solely in mental conditions is pretty uncommon. But most will probably know enough, including GP's.

 

[Krackerjan]

that was helpful information, thanks gamereign :)

The psychiatrist used the word hypnagogic (I think) but when I asked what he meant he said "panic attacks as you're falling asleep". I prefer to think of them as severe nightmares with 'real life' effects that continue after I wake up. They are very very very scary nightmares and I'm convinced they could kill me because of their ability to stop me breathing. I also bash myself during the nightmares, thinking I am fighting off a violent person. I've woken with black eyes, cuts and bruises.. and of course it's impossible to explain these injuries to people when they ask.

I'm not sure if I have dissociation, depersonalisation or derealisation..or none... but I can blank out anything by going on the computer.. the world could be burning around me and I wouldn't perceive it as real. When I have no computer, I just do weird things like stand still with a single thought stuck in my mind for hours, or walk aimlessly & blindly... even onto the road. I've lost count of the times I've nearly been run down!

I have an appointment next week with a psychologist who specialises in EMDR, to assess me.. so I'm hoping he can quickly fix me! In the meantime, I'll browse through this forum because the best people to help, are those who understand the weirdness of this disorder. The problem in my region, is very few psychologists / psychiatrists, so it's hard finding one who will accept an appointment.

 

[Sazza]

Just to say welcome KrackerJan, i hope you get the help you need soon and find the support you are looking for here.