Talking about sex in therapy…?

[barefoot]

So....I didn't take any action before (at the time of this OP) re speaking to my therapist about sex. But we've sort of been circling it for a couple of sessions...my avoidance of sex (well, any physical contact really!) has become further embedded and the whole topic is bothering more.

I raised it more directly with her today. I was surprised by how much feeling came up. We didn't talk about it for very long as I'd faffed around talking about other stuff for three quarters of the session! But I felt really teary and shaken...in fact, my hands were really shaking at the end.

When I think about sex...about having sex or any other kind of physical intimacy really...I'm now aware that I just feel so frightened. I knew it was 'anxiety-making.' But the strength and depth of this fear has taken me by surprise.

And I feel so sorry for my partner who I adore so much and who I know is so safe and loving and caring. And I hate that, even the thought of her kissing me, just makes me feel so afraid.

This time, it feels likeT is wanting to dive in and connect the dots with trauma etc...she said I was doing heavy processing today....so I think I'm possibly
on the path of where I wanted to be in my OP back in 2021. Which feels sort of good. And terrifying. And I don't know what I can realistically hope for.

After a couple of years of pretty much no sexual intimacy, and the realisation now of all this fear....is it realistic to hope that I may get this aspect of my relationship back on track? Did anyone manage to do this with their partner after working on it in therapy? What does 'working on it in therapy' even mean/look like?!

Feel like I'm currently stuck between a rock and a hard place....feel scared to have sex but don't want to be in a sexless relationship....but don't want to actually have sex....but don't want to not be having sex.... Ugh! I'm driving myself a bit nuts with this at the moment!

Would really appreciate it if anyone has experiences to share. Or any support/encouragement very welcome too - feeling a bit shaken and vulnerable!

 

[OliveJewel]

forget all about it for a year and a half?!

I’m amazed you could return to it! Thought threads were locked after a year!

I'm driving myself a bit nuts with this at the moment!

Sounds kind of like impatience. You’re cracking into a big deal thing. Give yourself time to orient to the issue, allow things to bubble up.

sort of good. And terrifying

Anything worth doing takes courage. You don’t have to be perfect, it’s a process, with plenty of circling. Sounds like your body-mind is ready to take a look at this again. There is no timeline. It’s good that you are even willing to face it. You can do it! You are safe enough now.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think you're really brave tackling this. And, from the outside reading along with you on this forum, it is understandable all this feeling came up. And whilst that might feel unsettling, it might also be really healing? Like your T said: processing a lot.

You ask if these things can be worked through? Well, why couldn't they? If we can work through other aspects, then why not sex/intimacy?

 

[barefoot]

I’m amazed you could return to it! Thought threads were locked after a year!

Threads do get locked but you can use ‘Contact Us’ to request a thread be reopened. Sideways kindly opened it up for me.

Sounds kind of like impatience. You’re cracking into a big deal thing. Give yourself time to orient to the issue, allow things to bubble up.

Hmm…ok…yeah, that might be true… ;)

You can do it!

Thanks for the encouragement :)

whilst that might feel unsettling, it might also be really healing?

Yeah…I always struggle a bit with this idea of healing because…well, I don’t know…maybe because I haven’t really felt it…but perhaps this is an important piece that will really make a difference?

You ask if these things can be worked through? Well, why couldn't they? If we can work through other aspects, then why not sex/intimacy?

Yeah, I guess so. And I’m definitely not suggesting that this is a more difficult thing to work through than anything else. I guess at the moment it’s hard to see a way forward as getting things back on track means a) I’ve got to do the work in therapy and make progress. And then, when I’m at that point b) I need to get into action and c) my partner has to get into action! It feels like all those stages feel like they are all a long way off. Which maybe goes back to @OliveJewel suggestion of impatience!

 

[Freddyt]

Work through it with your T. They learned how to deal with that stuff. It's all part of being human........and with trauma there's a ton of stuff that gets messed up and sucked into that vortex even when its not part of trauma.

I have found my T knows when I'm ready to deal with some things. Difficult and complex as the subject matter is - I would trust my T knows the right time to tackle it.

 

[KathK]

I have a very trusted GP and ironically I couldn’t bring up sex with any therapist, however I was able to speak with him about it when I was in a solid relationship and struggling with wanting to explore consenting sex with my partner though struggling with flashbacks when I became aroused. Thankfully my partner was loosely aware of my CSA history and never pushed me, in fact kept checking in with me and when I had to stop we just cuddled. For me I guess having an understanding partner, a form of gradual exposure therapy with my partner, and an awesome GP helped me be able to speak about it (at least with them) and I actually got to the point where I could enjoy sex before we broke off our engagement after 5yrs together (long story but mutual decision and our mothers both have unresolved issues which were impacting our relationship).
So yes, in a way I did discuss sex in therapy, but with my GP. Interestingly it also helped when my son was nearing puberty and I was able to have open discussions at the level he was at about sex (consent, respect, safety). I think it can be useful, but make sure it’s someone you trust and who understands trauma including how during rapes physical arousal often still occurs which can be confusing for anyone, especially a child like I was.

 

[barefoot]

I have found my T knows when I'm ready to deal with some things. Difficult and complex as the subject matter is - I would trust my T knows the right time to tackle it.

Yes…my T does seem to be taking a more direct, therapeutic approach this time compared to the earlier things I wrote about previously in the thread where I didn’t think she really got it/could help me work on it. I think you may be right…that this time, the way I am talking about it/am being impacted perhaps has perhaps shown her that now’s the right time, so she’s going in!

@KathK I’m glad you were able to talk to your GP and that it was helpful for you.

 

[barefoot]

I spoke to T again yesterday. Two days in a row, oh dear! After we’ve spoken I have a massive spike in anxiety because it’s been stressful and difficult to talk about and I feel very heightened and stirred up. And when that wears off I just feel incredibly low. I know all probably to be expected. Just feel depressed and can’t shake it off.

T said yesterday that we will sort it. That was re the whole sex thing. Not about feeling low.
She seemed confident and determined.

 

[Freddyt]

T said yesterday that we will sort it. That was re the whole sex thing. Not about feeling low.

When the time is right........................