What I'm gonna write here may not be helpful at all, so please it ignore if it isn't.
What you're experiencing, I've experienced in therapy. At leasat your therapist is patient and doesn't make you feel like something is "wrong" with you, and she affirms your feelings.
It took me awhile to really know what it is I need from a therapist. I knew it all along but I was ashamed of the need and I did not want to face it. But I need validation and a lot of it. I need to hear it alot and I need encouaragement even when I'm resisting. I need to be told "good job" when I push a little or some things just start coming out of my mouth that comes near to the topics I don't want to discuss. I told my therapist this exactly when he asked me, "is there anything I can do that will help you feel more comfortable" Well, he scolded me and became very defensive and acted like I was accussing him of something, and said, "I told you once on the phone what you went through is traumatic." His tone of voice (and I have it on recording so Im not f*cking crazy) had the conotation of "I shouldn't have to tell you again."
However, where I am at now in my therapy is: I see no point in therapy if I'm not ready to talk or do therapy--that includes any form of therapy: art work, play acting, emdr, writing, etc. If I'm not willing to push and talk with this guy then I am just going to quit. Now for awhile my SI was too strong, so I needed to just go talk to someone on a regular basis. I have this secret life of struggles, and I refused and still refuse to talk to any of my friends about it. So going to therapy served as "stabilizing' force, (for lack of better word) for those very long roller coaster shit rides.
Ive been on an even keel for a couple weeks, so I will not return to therapy. It is too much of a masochistic thing to do right now. There is no need to stir this crap up, I can manage now as long as I don't stir this crap up anymore. Yes, I'm still limping along, and get overwhelmed and have a hard time just "processing" so I have to take care of myself. I have to shut down, hide, whatever on occassions... I don't owe anyone anything. This is the opposite attitude I have lived with for my entire life.
So, if and when I am ever ready to tackle the entangled webs of my whacked out past relationships and childhood "traumas" I will deal with it then. For now, I'm not going to go back and just sit there to frightened to talk, then sit there so dissociated I have no memory of leaving the therapist office or how I got home. It's not worth the pain, worth the time, or worth the money.
