Relationship Temper Tantrum Over Therapy?

[Dandelion]

My boyfriend started therapy for the first time a few months ago. He didn't like going at all and would be distant on the days of his sessions. I figured it was to be expected since he was finally being forced to talk about the things he's been bottling up - that would obviously make him uncomfortable. Aside from his setbacks on therapy days, his overall behavior has gradually improved since he started going.

Recently, he was unable to attend his therapy sessions for about a month because of having to travel for work. Now that his trip is over, he made his next appointment to start going back and then proceeded to throw an almost child like temper tantrum over it.

He told me he hates therapy, denied that it's helping him, and referred to it as "useless". I asked him to explain how therapy isn't working when things started getting better and easier only since he started going. He said he didn't know, grumbled about how he hates it, but agreed to still go.

What do you make of this? It's like he doesn't want to admit the therapy is helpful. I think he still has issues with the reality that he needs help. Is this typical?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Imagine the worst thing that has ever happened to you in life, and then imagine having to talk to someone about it weekly. Maybe that'll give you a bit of perspective on why he is throwing tantrums. I'm sure that a part of him knows its helping, but it's so much easier to say it isn't, and thus there's an automatic out for not having to dig up those horrible emotions on a weekly basis.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I experience the same behavior when I'm terrified of something. My body is engulfed in overwhelming anxiety like the flames of an out of control fire, and then I basically behave like a cornered animal. This can happen over what outsiders may consider ridiculous or petty reasons, so to behave that way over therapy seems quite normal to me... especially when you consider what it takes for a person to believe that they need therapy. Most people won't go unless their world has crumbled around them.

Have you ever considered therapy for yourself? Do you go and pour out your daily struggles and your past transgressions? Do you submit to being judged by someone? If you do, then you might know the feelings of shame (deserved or not) and embarrassment that come up when admitting one's beliefs. You may understand being terrified that those beliefs will prove to be the reason that the traumas happened, or that people turned away, or that things aren't going well at home now.

It's quite frustrating to me, that people often think it's so easy for a diagnosed sufferer to seek help, especially when I know so many people who are clearly suffering, but whom wouldn't consider seeking help... they just go undiagnosed and pretend like they don't have a mental disorder... all the while, those who are diagnosed carry the weight of "getting help" for it and saving their relationships.

I think it is quite understandable that everyone is reticent to go to therapy. I think it would be kind of you to graciously accept his outburst, considering how unwilling he's been to discuss such things in the past. I think it would be useful for you to feel gratitude that he is going and getting help, not necessarily to tell him that... but to feel it nonetheless. I think it would be considerate of you to seek the help of your own therapist who can help you be a better supporter by shoring up your boundaries, easing your own fears, venting your frustrations, and getting some outside encouragement and consolation in times of need. Though, perhaps you have more in common with him than you thought, especially where your beliefs about the need for therapy are concerned. Do you think he has no pride?

Pride can destroy many relationships. Tread carefully then, on his "need" for help. After all, you are seeking advice on a mental health forum on the internet from people you don't know, and whose mental health is either diagnosed with a disorder, or undiagnosed... or you may hear from a supporter who sees a therapist and has no mental health issues. That would be a lucky find for you because you would see that it's not so bad to go seeking advice in person from someone who would learn the circumstances, and possibly meet your sufferer.

I hope you can make sense of his outburst now, anyway.

 

[Dandelion]

Thank you so much for the advice. I truly am grateful that he goes to therapy and I have told him that. It's been a learning curve for both of us. One of the things I've learned is to back off when it comes to asking about his therapy. I didn't understand how hard it was for him at first, but I can see now that it takes a toll on him so we never talk about details, only when his appointments are. That's seemed to work for us because I'll know when to expect his distancing and give him the space he needs.

This outburst caught me by surprise because its been awhile since he's had any outbursts at all. I handled it calmly and didn't take his anger personally. He's been doing so well and, considering that he's still willing to go, it really didn't feel like anything more than a momentary tantrum so I just let it be.

The reason I posted was more to see if other people experience the same type of feelings toward therapy. It makes perfect sense to me that he has the reactions he's he having because of the reasons you've given. I just wanted a little reassurance that this is "normal" and not a red flag of any sort. Having a little insight helps me be a better supporter to him and I'm trying to find that sweet spot between having patience and understanding while still having healthy boundaries.

Thank you for your responses! It really does help.

 

[rightkindofme]

I generally am spastic and hateful and I cry a lot for 2-3 days after therapy. I can't go every week. :-\

 

[lala]

I figured it was to be expected since he was finally being forced to talk about the things he's been bottling up - that would obviously make him uncomfortable

The feeling of being forced is hard for most people, it is especially difficult for those who live with PTSD and have often lived through horrible situations where the felt powerless. You can not force somebody to confront the most difficult things in their life.

I think "supporters" often trick themselves into thinking that therapy will fix all the problems and make it okay, but there is no magic bullet, it is an ongoing process. Each person has to take the journey in their own time and it is normal to retreat from therapy when it becomes to intense. That is why control of treatment belongs to the person being treated and can not be forced.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Dandelion you are a credit to your sufferer. If only my partner had been understanding.

Lala you are so right re the one in therapy having to be in control. For me gaining that control through my therapy is what keeps me going.

 

[LizardViolet]

Dandelion, your sufferer is lucky to have you. You're doing a good job. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Dandelion, your sufferer sounds a lot like my sufferer.

My sufferer hates therapy as well. He gets sulky about going, then sleeps most of the day after his appointment. I don't blame him... it is horrible and draining. He does, however, go to his appointments. He knows they really do help him, he just hates the whole process. Likewise with doctor's appointments and dealing with the VA in general.

I think he still has issues with the reality that he needs help.

I don't think any sufferer likes the reality of needing help. I'm just glad mine goes and gets the help he needs, whether he feels like it is doing him any good or not. I try not to nag if he has one of those days where he just cannot even cope and reschedules his appointment. As long as he goes regularly, it is all good. I take the approach of 'as long as you reach the destination, the route doesn't matter much.'